This may be cool.
I saw a commercial about how to evade telemarketers. Telemarketers suck. Especially when the same credit card company calls you over and over again to offer you an "unpassable deal" with a low interest rate and a grace period. They don't understand that if you weren't intererested the first time they called you, you probably won't be interested the next ten times they call you. Assholes. But never fear! The TeleZapper is here! The joys of college
Congrats buddy:

Auto response from Keith:
parking fines: $677.48
books: $3,104.14
meal plan: $4,775.16
computers: $11,375.79
tuition: $91,985.00
total cost of a 4 year over priced stay in troy, ny: $130,307.03

taking your last week of college off to vacation in the carribean:
priceless
=========================
there are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's student loans.

Does anyone else want french fries?
Alright. How's everyone doing today? That's great.

I'm doing ok, I guess. I'm doing as well as one can do in a cold, rainy locale where the sun has not been visible in approximately three or four days. Cloudy days like these make me feel just so-so. It doesn't quite give me the motivation I need to complete a project or do anything worthwhile. It's kinda unfortunate. But oh well, I'll survive.

Speaking of projects, I seem to be trucking along just fine in this corporate site I have to make. Right now, their existing site contains nothing but black text pages on solid white backgrounds using default link colors. Only one third of their pages work, too, heh. That makes them "w1nnars." I've got a couple site mock-ups I intend to present to them as potential site designs early next week. I hope they like. I'm pretty sure they will, although the designs themselves lack any real detail and functionality and little trinkets that can make some websites come alive. There's no sense in doing that if they still don't really know what they want for a site, you know what I'm saying? But that's ok; I forgive them. Last thing I want to do is go crazy silly with one design and then find out that they hate it.

After they got a rough idea of which one of my oh-so-sexy templates they'd like to use (or maybe we'll brainstorm a new template?), then I may go to Kinko's and scan their letterhead and other specialized forms of paper and make various borders and title logos with it. Normally, I'd use my mother's scanner for this sort of job, but it's a piece of shit and I can't get it to run properly. Now, if I could convince them to buy a digital camera to show off their fine institution and their classrooms and stuff. Can digital cameras be rented somewhere? That'd be cool.

Then I can get make some other mock-ups, see what they like, maybe do a little fine-tuning after that, and get a static site up to replace their current hunk of Dreamweaver mess. Hehe. Then comes the fun, dynamic e-commerce stuff. Whee! It may be time to dust off those ASP books. :)

So, yeah. I think I'm gonna troll for food now. I'm a big fan of eating. Yum.

And if you're bored, you can take some gay little online tests like this superhero one (I got a 6 of 10) and this spelling one (13 of 16). I found them over at Weblog Wannabe while I was hunting the net for worthwhile posting material. No dice. I type too much.
Heh. Five-minute majors
-- Hockey fights logs.
-- Hockey fights.
-- Hockey fights; lots of Domi stuff.
-- Hockey fighters.
-- Video clips of hockey fights.

-- Metafilter.

I love this sport. How to pay off your college loans
Any of the following should work:

* Get a real job.
* Own and run your own porn website.
* Sell your 13th century Celtic relics on eBay.
* Be an army of one.
* Amputate your feet over the web.

Take your pick. Mullets and More
What gives Rod Beck his incredible power to suck at pitching? What hairstyle has gone terribly out of style in most parts of the country? That's right, the mullet! The freedom to actually have a mullet and not get your ass kicked is what makes America a great country, my friends. And now you can see all sorts of funky mullets and read funny stories about them on the net! Wow.

On another note, I received a heart-warming poem today through e-mail. It's about friendship and since you are all my friends, I would like to share it with you:

Friend,

When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, ... stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ... I pledge until the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Ah, brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? I haven't posted in a while
Because I'm a jerk? Because I am too good for you? Because Jerome's mom has kept me waylaid (and I really mean way laid)?

No. Well, maybe.

Its really just because I have been really busy with work and when I haven't been busy with work, I have been doing some behind the scenes work on some super secret projects that we have coming up. Like maybe a solution to the Yahoo!/Geocities bandwidth difficulties. Or perhaps a solution to the Yahoo!/Geocities pop-in add to the right ->. Maybe we are just ditching Yahoo!/Geocities altogether, ok? This place will be bigger and better. Also, Jerome has been doing a lot of work on aesthetics and Feng Shui (when he has been able to pull himself away from Civilization 3, or his collection of goat porn), which should be up, just about soon. Great work! Also, since Mike is the newbie, he gets the beating stick. Until we get some other newbies, that is. This is what hasanyoneseenmypants.com should be all about.
I guess Alison beat us to it.

This link was found at Blues. I Can't Feel My Face
Novocaine is cool while your getting a couple of teeth bored out but it's damn annoying after the fact. I've been trying all day not to byte my tongue because I certainly won't feel it. I think the dentist went a little Novocaine happy. Damn him.

I got a couple of interesting links from my buddy Pete today. The first is a site worth checking out in you spare time. It's damn funny and has some excellent movie reviews (check out the review for Monster's, Inc.). The second link shows how damn horny American's really are. I mean come on, 14 partners in one year! I'm bringing that average way the hell down. Frankly, my naive mind refuses to believe it and I think the survey is full of shit. Still, it's pretty interesting if you start cross checking the columns (for example, look at Japan). I know, it must be that pimp Jerome who's causing those ridiculous numbers! ;) "Oh, hello. I was about to have a three-way with the mistress and the sheep."
Triumph rules.

But anyway, it is time for me to drop some phat nerdy science hymns to you, my brothas and sistas.

This was bound to happen. Human cloning. Of course, the involved research groups aren't interested in the cloning aspect of it, just the "infinite organs" part of it. Maybe there won't be a shortage of kidneys and livers for transplants ever again. However, I must question how one could go about creating a fully developed organ without it ever being part of a fully developed clone. I mean, can they get wool from the cloned English sheep if it was never born? I don't think so. And I'm pretty sure no human clone is willing to die just because someone else's heart is failing. And now I'm going to drop this line of thought because there is way too many ethical concerns and debates involving this subject matter.

BT sues Prodigy because of a hyperlink patent. It makes you wonder why BT chose to attack Prodigy when everyone and their mothers uses links on their webpages and stuff. A website would pretty useless without them! People over at Shacknews are guessing that Prodigy is a rather wealthy company struggling to remain in the ISP game. A big court case could make them tap out. The result? Easy money for BT.

If you don't really feel like splicing a Playstation controller to use with your PC, you can buy this little adapter instead. I learned about this while making sure certain URL's still worked for the upcoming revision of this site, in this case, Overclockers Online. Time to Upgrade... Your Brain
How cool would it be to plug in an extra RAM chip into your brain every time you need more memory? Or how about learn stuff Matrix-style? According to an article on Wired.com, this may soon be a reality. Of course if the chips loose power they'll be erased and you'll forget to do things like take out the garbage or brush your teeth or something. If this sounds OK to you then your set. If not, you'll need some RAM that doesn't loose it's information when power is lost. Mmmm... technology...

Tip of the day: Don't bother with the coffee-cake muffin from Dunkin' Donuts. It sucks. Stick with blueberry! Yay!
You know that tourist guy that floated around shortly after the WTC attack? You must. Hell, Jonny mentioned it a while back. Well anyway, it seems that a couple websites (companies?) decided to exploit those doctored photos for their own benefit (traffic?), but it appears that he has been found.

And his November clothing may have something to do with his Hungarian blood.

Also, check out touristguy.com. Check out the galleries. There's a lot of quality doctored pics there. I like the Stay Puft one and the Blue's Clues one in particular.

BTW, I found this story over at The Sexual Hypertextual Vegetable. Don't ask. Test
I did something bad... Trying to fix it...

Nice. All better.

Game on! I found this somehow...
You may be interested in seeing it as well. It's fun at Microsoft's expense! Thanksgiving Rocks
Happy belated Thanksgiving everyone! I hope all of you had as good as a Thanksgiving as mine. I ate, slept, and watched football. Can't get much better than that. Unfortunately I had to pay for it by raking leaves all day today. Oh well, at least I didn't have to work! BTW, did anyone see the Celtics game tonight? They were up by 15 at the half and blew it!! Sucky sucky... My horoscope

The Sun is in Sagittarius and the Moon is in Pisces. Your friends will be glad to teach you a thing or two if you let them. No need to pay for expensive classes. The person who knows what you need won't take your money anyway, so just ask.

I spent a couple hours today putting together what will be about... revision #732 for this website. Since I seemed to have acquired two pairs of hands in making sure something gets written on a daily basis, it seems that the site needs a little less "Jerome Jerome Jerome" and a little more... eh... whoever those other guys are. ;) I think I have settled on a layout and now I'm populating the page with a bunch of links and other goodies. Everything is going a-ok.

But I guess if my horoscope is correct, I need help with something. I'm not sure what that thing is, but if someone is willing to give me free lessons in... uh... whatever, it would be most appreciated.

Any lesson involving domestic farm animals and/or the "two-point conversion" will be ignored.

I've already mastered those.

*looks around* What? Who said that? Foiled by Father Time
The paper got delivered yesterday, but no one knew about it until we picked up today's and yesterday's paper this morning. The newspaper box was stuffed, since the Thanksgiving paper has probably more sales fliers in it than there was newspaper. I took a look at them, since I knew there must have been some sweet deals going on today. And there was. I've been in the market for sweet deals on almost any and every piece of computer hardware out there; I've been looking to replace my current Dell with a bunch of much better crap. As I perused the sales from the big three computer hardware places in Concord, NH (Staples, Best Buy, and Circuit City), I found that after mail-in rebates, I could get a 16/10/40 CD-RW drive for $30! And I don't even have to sign up for MSN for 3 years! And I could get 100 CD-R discs for free after rebates, too! I was kinda ecstatic about that, since I knew that CD-RW's don't go down in price too often. And cheap 16/10/40 drives sell for $75 with shipping, while the better brands can go for as much as $125-$175. I guess that makes the brand selling the $30 drive a little suspicious, eh? The drive itself is made by I/O magic, which, oddly enough, I can't find any reviews about. Another place has a DRT drive for $50. I can't find any reviews about it, either. And if you look at the specs for both of those drives, they are the same, word for word. Freaky. The model numbers barely differ, too.

And then I realized that the sale was good until noon today. I was looking through the sales at about 12:15. Damnit! Stupid impulse sales.

I hope those sales prices get reinstated soon. I'll be in Concord Sunday... I don't understand the marketing strategy of pop-under ads
Pop-up ads don't work too well... Are pop-under ads more likely to be viewed or something? How's that possible, if they just hang out in your taskbar until you realize it's there and then close it? They still seem pretty dumb to me.

Enh. Whatever. More turkey, less thinking, Jerome...

Speaking of which, Happy Turkey Day to all of you site visitors out there. All five of you... ;) About the lamest guy I have ever seen
OK, there is this Star Wars fansite called theforce.net which is probably the biggest Star Wars site out there, aside from starwars.com. Now I admit, I am a fan of Star Wars, so I do read this site, but anyways, yesterday, I saw about the lamest thing I have ever seen on there. You should check it out for yourself. Don't read the rest of this post until you read it.
OK, now that you have read it, dude, isn't that guy fucking lame? He is a contributor for theforce.net, and he asked his girlfriend to marry him on the site! What a total loser! That would be like me asking Jerome's mom to marry me right here on this site, with a big ol' lightsaber in my hand. The best part about this story, though, is that guy got shamed on Consumption Junction almost immediately after he posted. He is the Jedi Pimp Of The Week. At least his girlfriend said yes, since he obviously has nothing else to live for. Weird Science
This is the part of the post where I may write a brief introduction and showcase my exceedingly high amount of wit and all-around awesomeness. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling the least bit witty at the moment. I don't feel like talking or writing, in fact. So, I present to you some links and I'll let you figure them out for yourself.

-- Something about the sound barrier.
-- Something about spinning things.
-- And this is just cute.

And make sure you eat way too much turkey tomorrow. Then take a nap while watching football or the Buffy marathon on FX. If you're one of those types of people that enjoy watching the parade on TV instead, well, you deserve a thorough, vigorous beating with a wicket. You bastard. ICQ is tweaking out...
...playing a "Happy Birthday" tune, much to my surprise. On further inspection, it appears that today is Mike's birthday. That means you'll have to email him or message him or comment here and say bad hurtful things about him becoming another year older. I'm bored out of my mind.
Someone give me an idea of what to do.

I have things I could be doing, but I don't feel like doing them. In fact, I don't feel like doing anything that I could be doing, but the drawback is that I become bored and I need something to do. And thus begins the inescapable vicious cycle. I've been thinking of becoming an ambassador like Carson Daily... All Five Horizons Revolve Around Michael Stipe's Soul
This isn't extremely current news but since I haven't been posting for that long I don't feel bad. Hell, I wouldn't feel bad even if I were. Anyway this post is for all you Pearl Jam and R.E.M. fans out there. Personally, I'm a huge Pearl Jam fan and not so big an R.E.M fan but I can deal with them. ;) Apparently, Eddie Vedder (and yes, I know he wants to be known as "Ed" now but to damn bad! I like the sound of "Eddie Vedder" better... lol, I rhyme) sang with R.E.M. during one of their shows in a Seattle club! You can see pictures, read some dumb story, and best of all, download the entire concert in mp3 format here. Thanks to Five Horizons (probably the best Pearl Jam website out there) for hosting the files. B.T.W check out Eddie's hair cut! It's way short! Gone are the grunge days I guess. ;) Replacing dictatorships with anarchy
That's a slightly modified quote from an article I was thinking of sharing with you. You know, the stories I have been holding back because I didn't want to be overwhelming and the fact that I'm a post whore? Yeah, those ones. Well, I don't feel like sharing them anymore because on second thought, they seemed rather dumb and uninteresting. It's like, woo. Nanotechnology. Big deal. It's still years away. And look at me! I'm designing a clockless processor! You know, crap like that. So I thought of instead of sharing my dated links with you (I provided you links to the better two, which aren't all that great), I'd just sing you love songs and make all of your worries go away. Would you like that? Yeeeaaah... I bet you would...

Well too bad.

On a dissimilar note, I managed to get a hold of Kittie's second album titled Oracle. I decided to aquire it since their first album made me very very afraid of the band. I was hoping that maybe their second album would make me soil myself. Well, it didn't, but it was still pretty scary. It's a lot like the first album. The band's lead singer isn't going to have any vocal chords by the time she reaches 25 if she keeps yelling like a Cannibal Corpse fan.

And I remember when someone tried to convince me that they were going to go pop. Heh. What a tubesteak. Scientists Invent Perfect Dooms Day Machine!
Ok, so maybe the title is a little misleading but it got you to start reading this right? Actually, it wasn't that far off the mark if you ask me. Scientists have actually figured out how to create mini black holes (scroll down to the "Making Mini Black Holes" section). Now stop me if I'm wrong but aren't black holes large objects who's only purpose in life is to SUCK UP EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH? Sounds like we should be avoiding these things at all possible cost, not making them! And if that's not enough, these mini black holes can only be created (in theory) if "there are extra dimensions of space-time we currently don't know about." Oh, ya, oh course... How stupid I've been to forget about all those EXTRA DIMENSIONS OF SPACE-TIME! What the fuck is that!? When I was in school there were three dimensions: length, width, and height. Everyone seemed pretty content with that. Why do we have to go and find more?

In another article, two teams of scientists have actually stopped light which in turn could lead to the creation of desktop black holes. How cool would that be? My boss could bring me all the work she wants and I'd just conveniently "loose" it the black hole. "Oh I'm sorry, that paper has been lost in a black nothingness where its molecular structure has been torn apart." Hehehe... that would rock... Nothing important happened today
Because the X-Files doesn't even bother to tie up lose ends anymore. (PS: 'Nothing Important Happened Today' was the title of tonight's episode). Don't get me wrong, I like Agents Doggett and Reyes, but er, uh, yeah. They end their episodes like I'm going to end this post. In the middle of a sentence. Just you wait and see. Ever notice how they talk more about Fox Mulder now than when David Duchovny was in the show? Face it X-Files writing team, he ain't coming back. And don't even get me started that apparently the whole alien conspiracy has disappeared in favor of the creation of 'super soldiers.' What the hell are the super soldiers for? The X-Files has just gotten very weird, and really the only reason I still watch it is because I'm hoping Agent Reyes and Agent Scully will...

To Be Continued...

Stay tuned for scenes from my next post. Stolen from a link over at Camworld...

And while I'm at it, you may be interested to see what Roman "exotic art" kinda looked like 2,000 years ago. What the hell!
OK, so literally all day I have been working on installing a new motherboard in my computer. I had lots of delays due to the fact that I was cleaning up my desk area in the process. I had more delays when the board was finally in, because something was set in correctly. After about an hour of fretting, and discussion with some of my friends, I got the thing working, on bare bones parts, thanks to Mike, our new correspondent. Well anyways, then I had a long phone call, watched some TV, and then finally put all the shit that was not needed for bare bones operation back in the computer. Well, first off by this time it was kinda late, about 2AM, and I start hearing this banging on the wall from my neighbors. They were banging 'cause I was making a small amount of noise connecting wires and stuff behind my desk. Well, fuck them, fuck them in their stupid asses. I never go banging the wall when they are having sex against it, (3 times in one night once). I don't bang the wall when they have fights and throw things. So naturally I'm a little pissed. But what makes me more pissed is that I had to finish putting all the wires together very slowly so as not to make noise. And then to top things off, once everything is all put away and ordered neatly as commanded by the anal retentive guy in my head, the damn thing doesn't start up, seemingly with the same problem it had before. And now I can't rip it all up, since I wouldn't want to 'disturb' the sex heads next door. I am just pissed, since I have been trying to find time to do all this for about a 2 weeks, I wasted a day doing working on it today, its not done, and I am running out of time to get it done. I won't have time at all this week since I am going to a movie Monday night, and Tuesday I am leaving for home and probably not coming back until Sunday. So that leaves all day tomorrow, at least while the neighbors aren't trying to sleep or have sex. Plus I am writing this on my work laptop, and frankly, I just hate using the laptop to type shit. 'ol Kentucky Shark
Well as if there isn't enough shit already on this page, you're going to get a whole bunch more. As my first post, I would like to ensure everybody (anybody?) who is reading this page that I will do my best to keep up with the standards of this page and post a bunch of nonsense. Here's a random thought: why is Bob Dylan such a good song writer and such a poor singer? Hmmm...

THIS JUST IN!
Special Ops forces in Afghanistan have photographed Osama Bin Laden! More news to follow at ten.... Boo Boo Baba Dee Dee
I have lots of computer-related stories for you, none of them are funny and they are mostly thought-provoking and will most likely be skipped over for stories about sheep shearing. Unfortunately, I don't have any stories of the latter, but I will see what I can do in the upcoming days. For now, you can take a look at some game-related computer stuff. I will dispose the more hardware-related stuff and this neat pic I found at a later time.

Yeah, I'm a post whore.

* If you're one of those Civ-playing dorks (myself included), you may like this little piece about taking out the Taliban, Sid Mune style. If you don't know squat about the different wonders in the Civilizations series, this article probably won't make too much sense to you.
* Nice, a $366 box! I wonder how much the winning bidder would have paid if there was an X-Box in it! And how much does an X-Box go for, anyway? $300? $400? Can you say "Winner?"
* There's a Playstation 3 in the works? That's news to me. I mean, the PS2 just came out last year...
* This story has nothing to do with anything. Read it anyways. Und keine eier!
Some background information for you: GARBAGEman is this dude in Germany who I have been shooting the shit with for... I don't know... a long time. I think his real name is "Jurek" or something. He speaks English pretty well. It ain't perfect, but it's good enough. I think that's all you need to know.

me: Hey, schreibe ich auf Deutsch! [translation: Hey, I'm typing in German!]
GARBAGEman: wow........not bad.......some wrong er......well what ever......it has to be: "Hey, ich schreibe auf Deutsch!"
GARBAGEman: but not bad.....*lol*
me: Ich verwende Englisch zum deutschen Ubersetzer. Dieses Marken ich ein Uberbrucker, schatze ich. :) [translation: I am using an English to German translator. That makes me a cheater, I guess. :)]
GARBAGEman: Tell me the name of this "Ubersetzer". [Ubersetzer = translator]
me: http://babel.altavista.com/sites/babelfish/tr
GARBAGEman: OH MY GOD! Stop using this piece of crap!
me: lol!
GARBAGEman: once I used this program and translated your site................
me: hehe. I bet that produced some interesting results.
GARBAGEman: ..in a perverted kind.........
me: if you translated my perosnal website and not my Garbage website, that makes sense. :) so much random shit gets written there. :)

Full-contact women football, coming to a town near you.
Well, it's coming to a town near you if you live in the California-Nevada-Arizona area. But anyway, will this do better than the XFL? Probably not, since it isn't at the national level and it isn't being televised. But it might be entertaining to hear the women trash talk. My guess is that each team is nice to the other team instead of belittling one another with "your fatha" jokes. But who knows? Maybe there's a lot of bitch slapping going on. Or maybe I should just shut up while you ignore the link. Guess who gets to make a commercial website?
Hmm... let's see...

Oh wait, that would be me!

It's time to do the dance of joy! Your typical meaningless conversation

Keith: Jon!
Me: KEITH!
Keith: JON!
Me: Baker!
Keith: Sheldon!
Me: BAKER!
Keith: SHELDON!
Me: Keith-o!
Keith: Jonny-bear!
Me: KEITH-O!
Keith: i have washed my hands of this

3 Links for y'all
And no more than that, because you've been naughty. I know what you're doing in there. And its a sin. And if you ever do it again, you'll BURN IN HELL... Mark my words, lad, you may think you're alone in there, but God's watching. Don't do it again.

The first one is about a new movie that is being made. With Bruce Lee. Who's been dead for almost 30 years. He died. This has to be ultra-sacreligious. I mean, what's next? Will they bring back Brandon Lee to do a new 'Crow' movie? The Title: The Crow 8: You Know How They're Always Saying The Worst Is Yet To Come? Well This Is It Folks. The Worst. The Tagline: Starring Brandon Lee. He's dead. Our Next Movie Project will be to team him up with his father in a movie called 'Angry Dragon'. He's Angry because we are soiling his dead corpse. And not figuratively either. We actually dug it up, and are taking turns shitting on it.

The second one is about Mullah Omar, the leader of the Taliban. In the article he says: 'We will not accept a government of wrong-doers. We prefer death than to be a part of an evil government' which pretty much means he'll be getting married to Eva Braun before enacting a marriage suicide pact. He wants the 'Extinction of America' and I'd say that out of all the political and religious groups in the world, his has the best chance to do it. Err, I mean, the worst chance, considering that his government has been routed in the past week or so, losing Afghanistan's 4 largest cities to a small, poorly organized army whose most advanced units are on HORSEBACK.

The third one is about the war in Afghanistan, which lends credence to my statements above concerning the Taliban's losing streak. However, there was one very interesting quote from the first paragraph of this article, and that is: 'The United States said it was ``tightening the noose'' around Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan on Thursday as it bombed away at his Taliban protectors who said their increasingly dire situation was part of a grand plan to destroy America.' So uh, let me get this straight... they are intentionally losing power and dying fighting battles against guys mounted on HORSEBACK, because it is a surefire plan to win the war, spread Extremist Islam, kill every American, and destroy America in the process? I think I just pissed my pants. Does the Taliban think they are Rocky, fighting the big scary Russian dude in 'Rocky 4?' Rocky's strategy to beat the big scary Russian guy (played nobly by Dolph Lundgren) was to wear the Russian guy down by letting him punch him, so as to avoid being punched. Good strategy, eh? The rest of the strategy is this: after big scary Russian guy is worn out from punching you so many times, he'll be all punched out, and then really, all it will take is one punch from Rocky. This great strategy came only after Rocky witnessed big scary Russian guy kill his best (and only) friend, Apollo Creed, with one punch. (Note to self. Boxing Ruin Brain. No Box. Eat. Go Sleepy.) I wonder if Sylvester Stallone has been sending scripts to Afghanistan? "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."
-- A sign in a Hong Kong Supermarket.

"Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs, brains, and other diseases."
-- On a bottle of Chinese medicine.

These and other examples of poorly translated English can be found here. There's this guy named Mike...
... that now has the ability to post to this site if he wants to. Whether he will or not is up to him; he wants to see what this Blogger nonsense is and see if it would be useful for breathing life into a really dead project known as thesevoices.com. So, uh, you've been warned.

Family Guy is on tonight. Woot! However, one may see Josh on Smackdown tonight perhaps at the same time... And it also looks like ABC has something interesting coming up at 9 PM. Dilemmas, dilemmas. Record one, watch the others? Maybe. It's times like these where a TiVo might come in handy. My VCR is pretty dusty and gross inside.

"Bueller? Bueller?" My video card's fan is pretty loud
And my new hard drive makes this loud "winding down" sound when I shut off my computer.

Not that anyone cares... Anyone have a spare wagon tongue?
It's time to go into the time machine and set the year to about 1983 and relive the moments and magic of the Apple IIe computer! Back then, most elementary school classrooms were equipped with this fine piece of machinery. Most of them had a small container chock-full of educational software like ELIZA and some type of programming language called... damn, I don't remember what it was called. I want to say "Turtle," but I think that might be the Windows version of what I'm thinking of. Someone go do some research and find out what I'm talking about.

But anyhoo, those were the days in which education crossed with gameplay actually produced cool games. Who could forget such classics as Number Munchers, Odell Lake, some game whose title I can't remember but you had to build the Transcontinental Railroad, and Oregon Trail? OK, Odell Lake didn't teach you much more than the fact that if you're a whitefish, you should make a shallow escape from the Mackinaw trout. And Oregon Trail didn't really teach you anything other than the names for fancy diseases like "dysentery" and "cholera." You could also write funny things on your tombstone if you died on your way to Chimney Rock, and it was probably the only game where shooting things was acceptable. Hell, you had to for survival. And it didn't matter if you killed Bambi and her sister along with three buffalos, you could only haul back 100 pounds of food and let the rest of it rot while nearby Indian tribes gasped in mortification at your wanton destruction. Ah, those were the days. If only there was a way to relive those classic moments...

Oh, there is! Just go to the bottom of this web page and download the game and the emulator to run it! Then, you're set for some intense 8-bit color action! Just be careful when crossing the river! Some vulgar pick-up lines
And not so subtle.
Thanks to random email and/or my sparkling wit!

• While wiping your face: 'Let me clear a place for you to sit'
• 'Hey, it looks like your socks are having a party. Why don't you invite your pants on down?'
• 'I have an 8 inch tongue and I can breath through my ear.'
• 'How's about letting my snake loose in the grass?'
• 'So tonight I was at this bar and I met this slutty girl, and I told her some stupid story about being at a bar and she took me home and we did it. Hint Hint.'
• 'Want to help me test out the shocks in my car?'
• 'I might not be milk, but I can sure do your body good'
• 'I write for a website called Against The Grain.'
• 'Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.'
• 'Your legs are like peanut butter, smooth and easy to spread.' (And made from peanuts!)
• 'Can I explore your genitalia with my genitalia?'
• 'Would you like to attend a LAN party with me? I have my LAN party accessory kit and everything.'
• 'You remind me of an award winning trout. I can't decide if I want to mount you or eat you.'

Update: Josh claims to have successfully used the first one. Still working that Ferris Bueller mojo, no doubt. (See below). Find your own wyrds
I came across this gem of a website while searching on Google for Deee-Lite, the group responsible for a certain song called 'Groove Is In The Heart' which is just about the best Techno-Jazz-Hip Hop-Trance-Funk-Retro song involving a slide whistle ever. I guess I shouldn't make fun of people who put their poetry on the web for all to see, but its just so damn hard not to.

So tonight, our good friend Josh called into work sick. He works the third shift from 10 PM to 6AM. The only problem with this is he was not sick. Also, he went to see a WWF event at the Pepsi Arena in Albany. Also, that event will be airing on national TV at 8PM on Thursday on your local UPN channel. Also, Josh was very near the front and will be on TV several times. Also, he did his very best to look ill on camera. Good luck Ferris Bueller.

Warning, the following link is SCARY. Watch the transformation from the Dick Cavet Show to the Freak Show. I put this link up because this transformer's 30th anniversary show aired tonight on CBS. I want a scary little leprechaun nose! Thanks to Niru, aka Nuri, who gets no URL link because I don't even know if she has a URL. And she may have already won ten million dollars, but she'll never know because we have no way to contact her if she doesn't have a URL. So I'm keeping the money and quitting my job. I'm going to raise sheep in Montana with that special someone. You know who you are. "The good Lord said he can get me out of this mess..."
"... but he's pretty sure, you're fucked."

In the last few days, the Northern Alliance has gone from controlling a mere 10% of the country to over 50% of it, including Kabul.

KABUL, Afghanistan (AP) - Ignoring appeals to stay out of the capital, Afghan opposition fighters rolled into Kabul on Tuesday after Taliban troops fled. Residents, freed of the Islamic militia's restrictions, celebrated by blaring music from radios and shaving their beards. [...]

The United Nations reported that alliance fighters executed 100 Taliban in the northern city of Mazar-e-Sharif after capturing the city Friday. Abdullah denied reports of killings. [...]

There were signs the Taliban were abandoning cities in the south, possibly to wage a guerrilla war from the mountains. A Kandahar resident contacted by telephone said many Taliban appeared to have left the city, except for uniformed militia police.

Bring it. Looks like the war in Afghanistan is half over, but I bet capturing the other half of the country won't be quite so easy. Then there's the battle of taking the cockroach-like Taliban out of the mountainside...

I wonder what Taliban objectives will be like once they have nothing but metamorphic rock to call their own. They will probably just hang out in caves for the next several months, sending small bands of soldiers to throw stones at some important anti-Taliban official's house and then scrambling when they turn the outdoor lights on.

If you're interested in some photos of some dead guys outside of Kabul, click here. You may have to go to page 2 or 3 or 4 to see the photos, but they are there. Yay, Latham!
There's a little capital district love for y'all.

Looks like a company over there figured out to make fuel cell generated power pollutant-free. I guess that's a good thing. Now if they could only find a way to make the Troy area not look so much like ass... I don't think Allah himself could help Troy out in that sense.

I stole this story from MeFi. Football is a funny sport.
I think the Rams need more rushing yards. I mean, wtf? Faulk only had 183 yards in the first half? What a slacker. I can see why the coach didn't let him play during the second half.

And holy crap, the Patriots are over .500! Yeah, I don't understand it either. Don't get too used to it, the Pats have to play the Rams and the Saints next. Heh.

And as far as the Vikings are concerned, they can go fornicate themselves with an iron stick. They're such a talented club, but everytime I open a new IE window and I see their game score in a corner of the screen, it keeps getting worse and worse and worse. And the games left in their season aren't going to get any easier. I have a suggestion for Dennis Green: STOP SUCKING. This might give you a chuckle...
It didn't give me a chuckle, but it was designed to give someone a chuckle. Perhaps it was designed to make you chuckle? I don't know. I guess there's only one way to find out. Click below.

Aussie Win2k A Friday night out.
I didn't do anything noteworthy last night, but it is a clever phrase to represent another chunk of links that I have had for a long time, waiting to stuff your fat faces with. You can tell I've had them for a while if you check out the date on some of the articles, like the first one.

Anyway, here's my quick story to dispose of the links.

-- It's Friday night. You decide to go to bar and play "Drink the Beer" with a buddy of yours. The only thing is, are you supposed to drink it or smoke it?
-- After a few rounds, the women at the bar are starting to look nice. Now's the time to see if you can find a hottie. Bonus points if you can convince her to come to your place. Even more points if the person is a celebrity.
-- Good job. You found a lone yet fairly attractive girlie girl. And she has been enjoying your company. Perhaps she would like to take a ride in your BMW?
-- Nope, she doesn't. Oh well, you're too drunk to drive anyway. I guess that blows your chance for the sex later on. But at least maybe you can get her number...

The end.

To comment on some of the links I have provided above:

Which pic of Michael Jackson is without the makeup?
Car spoilers won't get you airborne.
And they sure have interesting presentations over at Dartmouth. This is sexy...
If I catch anyone I know wearing pants like these, I will bludgeon you about the neck and throat with Jarrod's old beatin' stick. Shame on you for feeling the need to accentuate your junk in public! This isn't spring break, for crying out loud.

I'm awfully violent today. So what? You want to fight about it?

Kudos to Ray for the link. I think. Blog blog blog
God, do I hate that word.

For the uneducated, it's short for "weblog," and is used a lot by people who use Blogger. It can be used as noun (means weblog, like this site) or a verb (to post to a weblog). It will also get you a strike across your face with my hoe if you use this word within my presence.

Am I a... er... weblogaholic? Not according to this little quiz some weblogger made. A score of 44% net me this response:

You are a casual weblogger. You only blog when you have nothing better to do, which is not very often. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you'd post a little more often, you'd make your readers very happy.

I'm not here to impress you toolsheds! ;)

I'll work on it, folks, hehe. So, uh, has anyone seen my pants?
Some time in Spring, my roommate Jake and I decided to register the domain name hasanyoneseenmypants.com since... Well, how can a domain name like that go untaken? It's such a classic! We made a one-page site for it that just said "So, uh, has anyone seen my pants?" and left it that way until RPI axed my account. Now, it points to nothing. Sort of like thesevoices.com, another wonderful RPI project that never got off the ground.

But anyhoo, Jake got the spam below and he forwarded it to me. Keep in mind that hasanyoneseenmypants.com is currently an RPI 404 error.

I need to talk to you about hasanyoneseenmypants.com but do not want to interrupt your busy schedule with a few simple questions that you could answer by email.

My Company builds brilliant Websites and our clients tell us that they make more money than anything else they have tried on the Internet. They are modular and database driven. They include all the popular features, such as a shopping cart, eCommerce enabled, articles, newsletters, member login, contact databases and discussion forums. We also offer a Webmaster module that allows you complete control of editing and content.

I believe our approach represents a fundamental shift in the way you acquire and use technology. Our integration of applications, technology and infrastructure creates a service platform that enables you to focus on your strategic issues rather than on software, technology and infrastructure concerns.

And, all of this comes with a big benefit-LOW-COST for you. You don't have to make any investment for hardware and no IT Department. This means you can increase your operating cost predictability and reduce your financial risk.

We provide you with a choice of functions and guide you through the process of designing a dynamic Website, which will be on the Internet in a matter of days.

I am also interested in discussing other business opportunities we might have with you or your current partners. We offer two moneymaking programs, Affiliates and Resellers, which may be of interest to you.

If you are interested in developing a Website or participating as an Affiliate or Reseller, please give me your best contact phone number and one of my Account Managers or I will call you to discuss this further.

If you are not accepting Website or business proposals or not interested in learning more about our modular Website system, please email me with remove in the subject title.

Sincerely,

Richard Nelson, Sr.
[contact information]

Mmmm... spam... Personally, I never considered a site like hasanyoneseenmypants.com to be a real moneymaking URL. But now that I think about it, who wouldn't love to have a hasanyoneseenmypants.com t-shirt? How about a hasanyoneseenmypants.com thermos? Any takers? How about an AtG shirt to boot? You probably bought me another three minutes!
Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy!

In case you don't know (which is likely the case since FOX doesn't ever advertise the show), Family Guy premieres this coming Thursday at 8 PM, pitting the show against other heavyweights like CBS's Survivor, HGTV's Renovations, and The Weather Channel's The Weather Channel.

For the uninformed, Family Guy is the best. Show. Ever. I'd post some reviews about the show in order to spare myself from explaining it to you, but there really aren't any reviews online. You can find some old ones here, though.

And for the 0 or 1 UK guys that might read this site, you can get the first season of Family Guy on DVD... You bastards.

In unrelated news, I think The X-Files will be premiering its long-winded 300th season this Sunday at 9 PM. Maybe now that whiny Duchovny is out of the picture, the show can start anew and make Robert Patrick (Doggett) the bad-ass he can be.

Note on the Patrick link above: click on his image in the left frame, and take a look at the "PLI" page. Good stuff. I come at you in spurts
Err, at least I post in spurts.

Here are some trash talking comments to use during a poker game. Thanks once again to Maxim. I like Maxim a lot. If you buy it and read it, you'll see why. <plug>

These are vulgar. You've been warned.

Use When: You win with a full boat.
Trash: 'I haven't had a hand like that since your mother jerked me off at last summer's pool party.'

Use When: You just beat your main opponent in a big hand.
Trash: 'Aw, buck up. It's not as bad as when that biker raped you -- ooh, sorry, did I let the cat out of the bag?'

Use When: The drunk dealer misdeals.
Trash: 'Dick. Grow a pair of balls, you cum-slurping party bitch.'

Use When: A player suggests lowering the ante.
Trash: 'Hey, Nancy, go home and send your husband over.'

Use When: You're beat by triple sixes.
Trash: 'Beware the number of the beast. You shall suck Satan's greasy cock in hell.'

Use When: You have to take a leak.
Trash: 'All right, fellas, I'm outta here. I'm as tired as Jerome's wife after her shift at the Penn Station glory hole.'

Use When: A poor bastard loses with a sure hand.
Trash: 'Man, Jonathan here screws your girlfriend, and now this.'

Use When: The dealer says, 'I think Jerome's looking for the inside straight.'
Trash: 'Funny... that's what his wife said to me last night.'

Use When: Someone's smirking.
Trash: 'Thinking about the first time you passed out and got tea-bagged?'

Use When: You win with a full house.
Trash: 'Ha! Bet you haven't seen a house this full since your mom quit working bachelor parties.'

Use When: A player's whining.
Trash: 'What's the matter, just lose your wife's buy-some-real-tits fund?'

Use When: An opponent hesitantly calls your big raise.
Trash: 'Wow... your vagina must be killing you.'

Use When: Someone looks at you.
Trash: 'Nice head.'

Use When: You've cleaned out the last player.
Trash: 'OK, who wants to tongue my balloon knot for cab fare home.'

Jedipants and Gmudrip
Just like old times. Here is a story of Keitho bucking the system.

Keitho: yo
Me: what up?
Keitho: ok...so i got my paper back today for IT rev
Keitho: and when the teacher was handing it back, he asks "i was wondering if you could read you intro to the class"
Keitho: i was like "uhhh...sure?"
Keitho: (10 mins earlier)
Keitho: odin and i are walking to class
Keitho: i say to odin "i bet i got a C- on my paper, if i am lucky"
Me: ha
Me: ok
Keitho: odin says "i know...your paper was horrible, i told you baker, you should have woke up when i told you...most people worked on their paper for weeks...you started at noon the same day it was due"
Me: hahaha
Me: so what'd you get?
Keitho: *inside my head* "fuck, i am such a slack ass"
Keitho: back to class
Keitho: odin sees my paper, i got an A
Me: NICE!
Keitho: after a few more papers handed out, he gets his, a B
Me: haha
Keitho: he yells outloud "BULLSHIT!"
Keitho: i read my intro, and the class goes crazy, calling mine shit, since i am one of the few people that got an A
Keitho: they all attacked the teacher (and me) saying my intro was all opinion
Me: haha
Me: dude, they are all freshman
Me: don't worry about it
Keitho: and that i don't know how to write, and the teacher doesn't know how to grade....and they took it to the writing center
Keitho: i raised my hand and said "dude, i didn't state my opion, i wrote an intro that i tried to draw the reader in...after my intro, i didn't use 'i' at all"
Me: ok
Keitho: the teacher goes "yes, he is right...he is the only person that had a good intro"
Me: hahahahahha
Me: very nice
Keitho: the kid infront of me turns around and goes "dude, your intro was fucking gay"
Keitho: i said "i know, i got an A, what did you get?"
Me: HAHHAHAHAHAHA
Keitho: he said "a C...but still..."
Keitho: my capstone partner comes up to me and says "keith, that intro was ok...i guess i should have spent more time on my paper like you....i started only a couple of days before"
Me: HAHAHAH
Me: Baker, you rule
Keitho: odin goes "he posesses this thing called 'the baker luck', because he wrote it at noon the same day"
Me: the baker skill
Keitho: my partner says "i hate you", and walks away
Me: the same skill I have
Keitho: i think we helped each other jonathan
Keitho: i learned from you
Keitho: i learned it by watching you
Me: HAHAHA
Me: I am going to take a shower
Me: but I am probably going to put this on AtG afterwards
Keitho: so, here is my intro...tell me how gay it was...oh, and the only reason i wrote it, is because i was too short on the paper
Me: ok
Keitho: the title of the paper is "Maine and the IT Revolution"
Keitho: Introduction

After the long drive from New York, I was relived to cross the Piscataqua River Bridge on my way home to Maine. There is just something about crossing it that brings me back in time away from the sky scrapers and busy city life. One of the first things I noticed once inside was the new sign on the side of Maine's only highway saying "If your business were in Maine, you'd be home right now," with a phone number at the bottom.

Driving along the road, it seems as though it is leading to nowhere. Trees line both sides and the road is barely lit. It becomes clear to me now that Maine is behind the times in technology and society, in relation to the rest of the United States. Peaked by curiosity from the sign, I decide to call the phone number. A recording picks up, "Thank you for calling the Maine Better Business Bureau. I'm sorry, we're closed until Monday at 9AM, but feel free to leave a name and number, and we'll get back to you."

This doesn't surprise me, considering I grew up in the state, I recalled that everything in the state seemed to close before 9PM. I am amazed at how the technology revolution seemed to his every place but here. Let's explore now how Maine fits into the 21st century.

Me: did your teacher correct the 2 spelling errors?
Me: I liked it very much, by the way
Keitho: no...he didn't
Keitho: like the word "his"
Keitho: or something?
Me: well, they aren't spelling errors, but yeah
Me: his
Me: should be hit
Me: and peaked should be piqued
Keitho: right
Keitho: oh
Keitho: i didn't realize that
Me: I guess I always notice that kind of stuff since I am an anal bastard

Linkage
Stuff to do while Civ 3! is installing.

Check out The Smoking Gun to get all the best truest dirt anywhere, on anyone. This is stuff that even the National Enquirer won't print. Thanks to Maxim.

Oooh, look mommy! Digital Projection, coming soon to a theater near me. I HOPE!

Speaking of digital projection, download the Star Wars trailer, and see it digitally in May.

I'm going to get tickets to this show, and invite Jerome down to see it with me.

Last but not least, here's a neat website that adds a lot of neat tricks to your AIM profile. SubProfile. Thanks to Morhous. I like bacon.
I got a bunch of random links I want to share with you, the wonderful audience, but they are so random that the only way I could share them is by concocting a post with just a bunch of links in it like I usually do. Unfortunately, I'd rather be an asshole and try and find a way to group the links into different, well, groups. Then I can disperse the links to you, the visitor, as I see fit. I provide the halibut for you ravenous sharks. That's ok, no need to thank me.

Today's group o' links will be nothing besides some weird idea called "the internet." I don't really know anything about it, but all of the "shibby" kids are using it. My powers of inference tell me it must be some combination of Pop Rocks and soda.

* From links at CamWorld, here are a pair of lame t-shirts that fellow geeks would love to wear: the flow chart one and the toilet one.

* Disturbing search requests that have lead to common weblogs like this one. I think this one speaks for itself.

* IM for Dummies! In case you can't figure out how to add someone to your buddy list and how to send that person messages and/or lewd photos of under-aged domestic farm animals, you can pay $9.95 for a book to learn how to do so.

* On a similar note, Cleaning the Fucking Kitchen for Dummies! All of my RPI brothas better read this. Don't make me spam your inbox, Fool! Link stolen without remorse from Blogarithms.

Stay tuned for links regarding ugly BMW's and celebrities without make-up!

Speaking of celebrities:

Q: What do you get when you cross Kid Rock with Pamela Anderson?
A: I guess we'll find out in eight or nine months, huh? Scientists have discovered a new language
Its called 12-year-old-speak, and it may be spoken by a 12 year old near you! However, after about a year of study by talking to my cousin Jeff online, I have gained a working knowledge of the language. Now I present to you my latest findings, from my most recent conversation with Jeff, complete with analysis. Keep in mind this is the longest conversation I've had with Jeff, online at least. In real life, I'm pretty sure he speaks normal English.

Cousin Jeff: u got the weiredest info

A strange first sentence. I quickly deduce that he is talking about my instant messenger profile, which is just a link to this site.

Me: its a link to the website that me and my roommate write
Cousin Jeff: its weird

This could be an English sentence! Perhaps I've made a breakthrough.

Me: its called Against the Grain
Cousin Jeff: da!

I have no clue

Me: have you ever read it?
Cousin Jeff: ya y

At this point, I'm a little concerned that my 12 year old cousin reads this site, since it is pretty trashy on occasion, and has planety of adult themes. Then I realize that his attention span is controlled by Carson Daily, like Alan Greenspan controls national interest rates. Speaking of which, interest rates are going down again today. In my generation, the MTV generation, attention spans are small, only requiring us to sit through 3 music videos at a time. In my cousin's generation, however, their attention spans are so small that they can't even show 1 full video on MTV anymore without breaks in between. That is why I'm not worried that my cousin 'reads' this site, since he probably wouldn't even have gotten this far in the article. Also notice that he asked me 'y' at the end of his message, asking me why I asked him if he read it, but didn't have the attention span to wait for an answer from me.

Cousin Jeff: .do u still hav that truck

I believe he is asking me if I still have my old truck, even though he knew I didn't, becuase he has gotten a ride in my new car, and I respond in kind

Me: no way. you saw my new car
Cousin Jeff: o ya my icon used 2 be geo bling bling

In 12-year-old-speak its really hard to tell where one sentence begins and another ends. In English, the most common punctuations are commas (,) periods (.) and question marks (?). In 12-year-old-speak, punctuation is used sparingly, and often by accident, or by typo. I can foresee future generations where punctuation marks aren't even on the keyboard to eliminate this nuisance. Let me try to translate this one: 'Oh yeah. My (AIM buddy) icon used to be a GEO. Bling Bling.'

Me: ok
Cousin Jeff: goes r bad

I assume he means 'GEOs are bad.'

Me: are you 12? or 13?

At this point I realize that this conversation is going to be an article, so I need to know how old he is so I can give a name to his peculiar dialect.

Cousin Jeff: both
Me: no, come on, give me a straight answer, becuase I am going to write about you on my webpage
Cousin Jeff: if its a moive im 13 if im reg im 12

I believe he means: 'I'm 12 years old, but if I'm trying to get into a PG-13 movie, I am 13." Which to be honest, is a real concern for a 12 year old. I remember it being a big concern of mine.

Cousin Jeff: right

I have no idea why he wrote 'right' here.

Me: ok. makes sense to me.
Cousin Jeff: realy
Me: wow, I forgot all about the days of trying to get into movies
Cousin Jeff: omg

For the uninitiated in 12-year-old-speak, 'omg' means 'Oh my god'. I still have no idea why he typed this though. Perhaps a brainwave analysis could give me a clue. Maybe his generation is evolved and is operating at a different level. At this point I'm going to try to convey an idea to him about what happened 'back in the day'. Lets see if he can follow my communications as I have followed his.

Me: they used to let us into 'R' rated movies by ourselves if a parent bought the tickets for us
Me: I don't think they do that anymore
Cousin Jeff: they still do that

I actually know for a fact that they don't do that anymore, which means, he didn't really get what I was trying to say, which means I have to phrase it better, which you will see later.

Me: do the parents have to go in?
Cousin Jeff: ya
Me: and watch the movie?
Cousin Jeff: do u hav a gf

At this point, its clear he has lost interest in the topic, even though we were talking about it for less than 2 minutes. Damn you, Carson Daily. Here is what is meant by his message: 'Do you have a girlfriend?'

Cousin Jeff: hello

It takes me a minute to respond to his question, since I have to think of an answer to avoid the dreaded 12 year old logic. I don't have a girlfriend right at this moment, but I don't want to tell him this, since it would automatically make me 'gay' in the logic of a 12 year old. I wouldn't normally care about someone's perception of me, but clearly, 12 year olds are not mature enough to handle the concept of being gay or straight, but this is very hard to convey to them. Also, an adult wouldn't think I was 'gay' if I didn't have a girlfriend. But to a 12 year old, this is the only explanation. So while I think of an appropriate answer, he gets impatient, and asks 'Hello?'. I guess this time I can thank Carson Daily, since he has given me an idea to use my cousin's attention span against him and his line of questioning.

Me: do you have one?

I turn the question around on him, instead of giving him a straight answer.

Cousin Jeff: ya u

It didn't work as well as I had hoped since he once again is persistent with the answer. 'Yes. You?' His attention seems riveted to the question of whether or not I have a girlfriend. Perhaps I am wrong about Carson Daily.

Me: back in the day, the parent didn't have to buy a ticket for themselves, or watch the movie. they could just buy the tickets for us kids, and send us in by ourselves.

My last line of defense is to continue my explanation from above about the movie theater policies on 'R' rated movies when I was his age, as compared to now.

Cousin Jeff: o

My foil totally worked, since he is now disoriented and totally forgot about the girlfriend question.

Cousin Jeff: who else u talking 2

Like I mentioned, this is by far the longest conversation I have ever had with him online, so by now, he is running out of questions to ask. So he proceeds with one that requires little thought: 'Are you talking to anyone else besides me?'

Me: no one. I am working

Its true. I am at work.

Cousin Jeff: o
Me: I am going to write about you on my website though
Cousin Jeff: wehat is it about;-)
Me: its mostly just going to be this conversation
Cousin Jeff: im talking 2 my gf

'I am talking to my girlfriend'. He is out sick from school, but she is not.

Me: cool, whats her name?
Cousin Jeff: alexa
Cousin Jeff: shes at school
Me: she's takling to you from school?
Cousin Jeff: in the library
Me: ok
Cousin Jeff: shibby

'Shibby' is a very important part of the 12-year-old-speak dialect. It is a term I have only heard used in the movie 'Dude, Where's My Car?', and by 12 year olds.

Cousin Jeff: whats the websites url

He wants to know how to get to this website, even though he already told me he had been here.

Cousin Jeff: make it shibby john and jeff.com
Me: if you click on the link in my info, you'll get to it
Cousin Jeff: ok
Me: its not up yet
Me: but I'll let you know when it is
Cousin Jeff: ok
Cousin Jeff: how do u hav for xmas
Me: what?

I am obviously confused by his statement.

Cousin Jeff: who do u hav for xmas

Oooh, I guess his 'statment' was actually a question. My mom's family is so large, that we draw names out of hats to decide who we get presents for. (Kids under 18 don't pull names, their parents do, but they have their names pulled). I think he wanted to know if I pulled his name so he could tell me what he wants for Christmas. Again, this is another attribute of the 12 year old. Greed. Its barely November and he's trying to see what he can weasel out of me.

Me: oh. I am not sure, but I think Stevie
Cousin Jeff: shibby
Me: who do you have?
Cousin Jeff: rent the moive dude wheres my car

At this point he's totally lost attention to the Christmas question, since I'm not buying gifts for him.

Me: I've seenit
Cousin Jeff: u hav
Cousin Jeff: when
Me: when it was in theaters
Me: last christmas
Cousin Jeff: ok
Cousin Jeff: chesters the bomb
Me: no no dude, you are supposed to say the chicks are the bomb
Cousin Jeff: whith the guys in the bubble wrap
Me: errr, I don't remember

All this was a bunch of inane babble about the movie 'Dude, Where's My Car?' which is apparently the best movie ever conceived of for a 12 year old. At this point, I'm starting to have attention span problems.

Cousin Jeff wants to directly connect.
Cousin Jeff is now directly connected.
Cousin Jeff:

Cousin Jeff: there car rocks

I am amazed he can still talk about the movie 'Dude, Where's My Car?'

Me: I am going to eat lunch now

My total excuse.

Me: I'll talk to you later
Cousin Jeff: peaceout
Cousin Jeff: dud
Cousin Jeff: e

And the day is mine!
The bat has been detained and released into the wild.

I was just minding my business, watching a bit where the Hurricane was dressed up as a reporter, and I heard the sound of wings flapping over my head. It came from the stairway furthest away from my bedroom. Only a part of wing was in my field of view. It was traveling from the stairway into the living room. I did not bother to look up to confirm the sighting. Instead, I just went upstairs and let my mother know that she's got work to do.

It was kinda unexpected to encounter the bat in the living room, especially since the living room is probably the furthest room from my bedroom. And my house isn't what many would consider to be small. I was also almost certain that the bat was gonna live out the rest of its life in my closet, especially since it was impossible for it to escape from it while I slept last night (if you consider 30 15-minute naps to be "sleeping") and whenever I left my room at night, I kept my lights on. The closet door was not kept in its "impossible to escape from" state when I was awake.

So anyway, we took this twin-sized sheet from my room, along with the broom, and my mother went hunting for it while I just made sure nothing was coming up from behind (i.e., I was too much of a candy ass to go head-to-head with the bat). We heard this old lady that watches the other old ladies that live in my house say, "Was that a bat?" She was in the kitchen while we were investigating the living room. So, Mother (and I, to a lesser degree) headed off to the kitchen, and then down a couple hallways, and the bat was discovered clinging onto a window curtain in one of the old ladies' bedroom. Then came the unmerciful broom beatings. The light was turned on, so it couldn't really fly away. It just made a lot of "I'm really pissed off" sounds and started to climb up the side of the bed. My mother covered it with the sheet at this time. At this point, I think it's important to stress that SOMEONE WAS ASLEEP IN THE BED THAT THE BAT WAS SEEKING REFUGE IN. So, while it was covered in the sheet, my mom beat it a couple times with the broom, got it all wrapped up in the sheet, and then released outside. And yes, the old lady did wake up near the end of the bat's beating. When she asked what was going on, my mom was like, "Oh, there was a small bird in your room and we're going to put it back outside." Hehe.

So there you go.

Maybe this'll mean I can actually sleep for the first time in about three or four days. My horoscope.
This one below was yesterday's horoscope. How fitting:

The Sun is in Scorpio and the Moon is in Gemini. This has not been a relaxing weekend for you. There's been more than enough to keep you busy. This is not volunteer work, however. You'll gain through the effort expended.

And today's:

The Sun is in Scorpio and the Moon is going from Gemini into Cancer. It's payback time. Do something special for a person who did a good deed for you once. If you don't immediately know who, give yourself a minute. You'll think of somebody. But don't tell. Have it be a surprise.

Payback time, indeed! Go Diamondbacks.
Yippie kie yay! I'm starting to like watching Patriots games again.
That touchdown catch that Troy Brown got because some Falcon player deflected it into his hands? Yeah, that's going on the highlight reels.

And that Michael Vick guy? Jesus, he can run at an inhuman speed. He has a fucking cannon for an arm, too. Isn't he the guy in that Powerade commercial that pushed his receivers back five yards when they catch his passes? That's pretty sick. Assuming it wasn't faked, which I'm pretty sure it is. Dear Diary,

On this Sunday, the 4th day of November, in the year of our Lord 2001, I lie cold and afraid. I am sheltered by what used to be my desk. Everything within three-score paces has been reduced to ash and rubble. The flying hellspawn has taken everything away from me. I have been forced to eat the remains of my poodle for survival while I guard myself with an aluminum broom handle. I know I don't have long to live, but as long as the batteries in my spare maglight still work, perhaps I still have a chance of dying a quick death. Otherwise, the soulless beast's pitch-colored eyes will meet my own, and I will be taken apart organ by organ, limb by limb. Just like the others...

Perhaps things aren't that drastic here in Operation: Flying Rat, but the fact that the thing is still somewhere waiting to feast on my sleeping carcass. Sure, a bat's diet consists mostly of eating insects, but you never know.

I stole the hallway light last night and put it in my room. That way, if I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd be able to tell if he was looking to get his ass kicked. And it did come back. At 5:00 in the morning. It circled my room a couple times and then hung upside down on my bedroom doorway. It sure made my escape from my room an interesting one. I had to take this thin quilt, cover myself in it, and run out of my room while keeping fairly low to the ground. By the time I got out of my room, it wasn't in the doorway anymore, so I shut my door.

Oddly enough, my mom was up at this time. She then tried to catch the bat by ensnaring it in a shoebox. That didn't work out too well. The bat is quick enough for even the most alert people. Couple that with the fact that my mom's motor skills were kinda impaired courtesy to half a night's sleep, well, she just had to give up. "We'll catch it in the morning."

Needless to say I had to sleep elsewhere for the rest of the night.

Morning came. My bedroom door was opened. No bat was found. Go figure. Bats are nocturnal creatures, and they have the ability to fit pretty much anywhere they want to hide. I can't find it anywhere in my room; it's probably hanging out (literally) in my dark, forgotten closet waiting to strike. I don't really want to turn my lights off tonight, and it makes me wonder if I should make sure that it can't get out of my closet by putting shit in front of the door (the closet door doesn't close all the way on its own) or if I should be even more of a pussy than I already am and make myself comfortable on the living room couch. Hmm...

I don't like bats. :p One two three count!
So while I was trying to make the Aztecs my bitch instead of vice-versa, I heard an unusual sound on the other side of my room. It sounded "leathery," sort of like the sound of someone's trench coat brushing up against his or her jeans. It was kinda weird. I turned around expecting to see Superman dusting off his cloak. Instead, I was greeted by a dark flying mammal going mach 5 towards my face!

Looks like I had a bat with about a two-foot wingspan in my room. So, I did what any other rugged male like myself would do in this type of situation: I ran like a pussy out of my room and I went downstairs crying to my mommy. I must have jumped down half the staircase in my shameful rout. She was on the phone at the time. She was like, "What happened to you?" I was like, "I'd like to introduce you to my little friend."

I've had another bat moment in my youth. When I was about 10, I woke up in the middle of night to find a bat circling my room. Needless to say, I almost shit myself. I ran out of my room yelling and I closed the door behind me so the flying fucker of death wouldn't bite my ass while I went to wake up my parents. They sent in our two cats into my room and turned on the light and let the cats go at it for a bit. Then, they eventually got a broom or something and beat the hell of it. I don't know what they did, actually. I was too busy quivering in my sister's spare bed trying to figure out how a bat managed to get in my room. And, of course, I wondered if it would've bit me in the eye and give me rabies or something. Little kids' imaginations run wild, you know.

While my mother talked on the phone, I wondered how to purge my room of this avian evil. I went up the back stairs, shut the door behind me, and I walked really really slowly. As I entered a room or hallway, I turned on the light. Bats don't care for light too much. Eventually, I came across my fat cat in the hallway; he wanted to go downstairs. Well, I wasn't gonna grant him his wish. Instead, he became my protector and my weapon while I searched each room to find out if the bat has strayed.

Eventually, I got within two feet of my bedroom's doorway and the bat decided to fly out of my room, towards me. I just dropped my cat and I ran to the back stairway as if I was a stray antelope trying to escape from a cougar. I didn't know I could accelerate so fast in slippers. I eventually had the "strength" to go and find out where the bat went. I saw my cat hanging out next to the bat; he must have hit it while it was en route to my face. Unfortunately, my cat did not proceed to bite its head off like he does with every other wild mammal (he doesn't eat the bodies for some reason). He wanted me to go to him and pet him. I was like, fuck that. I wasn't sure if the bat was dead. It turned out not to be dead, 'cause once I got within ten feet of it, it flew back into my room. Damnit.

My mother was off the phone at this point. She came up and called me "chicken shit" and some other things as she readied up to properly dispose of the bat. We scoured my room for a while trying to find out where the bat was hiding. Unfortunately, we never found the bat. This all happened around six o'clock, mind you. My mom thinks that it decided to die in the radiator somewhere, since the cat might have messed it up good when he batted it down. This may be the case, since I scanned my room with a flashlight and I couldn't find it in any nook or cranny. So, I think I'm safe.

Unless I get awakened tonight to find it circling my room... The sex and the Halloween
I managed to get a hold of Civ III yesterday. Needless to say, I was consumed by its infectious addictive nature and was unable to post yesterday. I was too busy trying to figure out how to stop being the Aztecs' bitch. I'm still figuring it out, too. Those friggin' bastards have some special unit that can attack and then flee in mid-battle or something, and I can't hunt them down 'cause I don't have any horses in my country. I also ran out of saltpeter, so I can't build any more musketeers than I already have. Damnit.

There are quite a number of neat Halloween stories popping up on your typical news sites, huh? Personally, I enjoy this kid's costume. It takes quite a bit of sack to do something like that in school.

There's also nothing better than a haunted house that scares people with STD's. Who wants to be scared by witches and ghouls when a picture of gonorrhea-infected organs can do?

Anyone ever play a game... no, has anyone even heard of a game named Cho Aniki - Bakuretsu Rantou Hen? If not, you may want to check out a review on it. It looks, uh, "good." We're all gonna die.
Back in the day, I used to be into astronomy. I remember back when I was a young'un that I got telescope for Christmas and I remember going outside and looking at shit during the cold winter months. I even recall my fourth grade science fair project having to do with the night sky and constellations. And in fifth grade, I partnered up with Joe Leroux and we did something about the inner planets. We ended up getting third place or something in our category. It was cool. I also remember doing something about solar energy with Eric Poutre in eighth grade, and this bitch named Ms. Eppig gave us a "D" on it. Oddly enough, we ended up getting a fourth place ribbon for our work. Shows what she knows, the harlot. Ah, good times...

But anyhoo, there seems to be something neat happening up into the celestial skies that folks over in the eastern United States can partake of. It will be raining death from the skies as over 2,000 meteors will be seen in under an hour. For comparison's sake, the "impressive" Perseids shower has meteors appear at a rate of 80 per hour. So, needless to say, it's apparent that it is the end of the world as we know it. Such an event only happens about every 200 years, and it probably won't happen again after 2099.

So, make sure you aren't too drunk on Sunday morning, the 18th. Go outside between 4 and 6 in the morning, freeze your ass off, and brace yourself for a celestial Armageddon.

Sometimes it pays off to live in a hick town like me, eh? No streetlights or smog to obscure the view. Of course, if it rains, I'm fuxx0r3d. Hooray for computers.
A while back, I mentioned something about a video with Athlons burning out and smoldering while the tested Pentium chips remained intact. However, all Athlons aren't likely to burn away into nothingness. If you have one of the fancy Palomino-based chips (i.e., Athlon XP's) and an appropriate motherboard (one that recognizes the chip's thermal diode), they will... uh... do something else instead. I'm not sure what, though, since I think I need Windows Media Player 7 to play this video. And there's no way I'm installing that hunk of crap.

In other computer news, could Counterstrike be the next spectator sport? Beats me. Probably not. I don't understand the appeal of this game. Well, I do understand why people play it (any excuse to blow up virtual objects is a good thing), but I don't understand why many people behave like rats on cocaine over it. It's insanely more popular than any other FPS out there. And it's like three years old. :p Personally, if I was to watch a video game on TV, I think I'd like to see a great Tribes 2 clan match instead... Hey does anyone remember when ESPN2 aired some Magic: The Gathering tournament a few years back? I bet that was fun to watch. Not.

Speaking of which, I need a new game to help kill some time. I think Civ III is out now, but I don't think it shipped with multiplayer capabilities. It's bad enough that Civ III could totally take over my life, but if I can't waste an entire weekend playing it with someone else, what's the point? I'm also tempted to play some MMORPG while I wait an eternity for Shadowbane to come out, like Dark Age of Camelot or Asheron's Call: Dark Majesty. I have friends in DAoC and I'm sure I have a former roommate still playing AC. Too bad I'm not inclined to play $13 a month plus $50 for DAoC if I intend to leave the game in six months' time. And while I'm familiar with AC and since the expansion is only $20 and comes with a free month's play, I don't like the fact that every single new quest has already been discovered and solved (the expansion has been out for what... two days now?), the whole game is just one giant loot fest (no item decay), and PvP is a joke. Hmmmph.