New Year's Toast

Drunk guy: Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Drunk girl: What's that mean?
Drunk guy: It's an Irish toast.
Drunk girl: Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Drunk guy: Huh?
Drunk girl: That's French toast.

Found via Bits & Pieces. End-of-the-year links and videos
Gotta purge my shit, so to speak.

Note on the Google videos: you can adjust their size using the "down arrow" pull-down thing in the bottom right corner of the player. For some reason, things default to full screen, and that can look pretty crappy and pixelated.

* Car in the snow getting towed.
* Redneck surfing.
* Deer boxing. Only on pay-per-view?

* Anyone want their hymen repaired? Apparently, it's becoming all the rage. There's better ways to invest your thousands of dollars than pain and discomfort, no?
* 40 things that only happen in movies. I think all women should investigate strange noises in their underwear.
* Wired's 2005 Foot-in-Mouth Awards. Haha Sony.
* You can buy communion wafers in Canada. I don't know why the media is just picking up on this. My father has been buying them for my sister for several years. Me, I prefer the fresh squeaky cheese curds. Yum! Bonus points if you get some french fries and gravy to go with it.
* I don't know Joel, but he has a novel idea for winning the love of his life back through charts and graphs. Didn't work, though. Poor guy. Haha.
The sick and twisted among you will enjoy this. I found a bunch of... uh... "funny" comic strips. Though clearly after reading these, you'll know why this stuff ain't printed next to Fox Trot or Doonesbury.

A Softer World, currently showing a racist strip
on sex in hotel rooms
on being a doctor
on fireworks
on breasts
on abortions
on dares
on getting beat up

Not sure where I found that site initially. Found a link that lead to another link to another link to another...

The humor on PBF is more to my liking. I must have laughed my ass off (or "LMAO" as the cool kids say it) on the Mittens one for hours. Here are some other winners. Tuesday Funnies


Found via Bits & Pieces. Something's fishy
Apparently I opened up a special can of fish:



Dolphin-safe tunafish? What does that mean exactly? You can feed it to your pet dolphin? Or were no dolphins harmed in the making of this tuna?

I never thought dolphins gave a damn about tunafish. Squids, on the other hand... you don't want to be messing with those! Happy Boxing Day!
Christmas turned out to be better than I expected. I actually enjoyed the time spent at my father's for Christmas Eve lunch. His wife was unusually pleasant, which is about time. She has a history of not talking to me or my sister, or even coming up to visit when my dad comes up for whatever reason. I think maybe he slipped some mood-altering medication into her food.

Christmas Eve dinner at home involved a much smaller group of people than usual. It was alright, though. I think this is the first year in which my cousin has given me scratch tickets that I won any money on. $4! And I've been getting them for years! Rock on.

Lunch over at the sister's house Christmas day. Consisted mostly of her husband's side of the family. I might see them once or twice a year, so I never remember their names. Makes it a bit weird trying to strike up conversations.

Loot-wise, I can't complain. I didn't ask for anything. :P Normally I just get cash and gift cards, usually to Sears for some reason. The only time I go to Sears is if I have to buy gifts for someone there the following Christmas. I got two of them last year, and I sold them on eBay for about 90% of their value. No sooner did I do that, I was offered a job at the place I'm now working for in Keene and I had to go to Sears to get some business casual swag. Damnit. Of course, this is another year in which I could have benefited from a Sears gift card, because almost all of my jeans are falling apart, especially in the crotch region. At least I don't tuck in my shirts, eh? I'm not sure if having holes there is a good thing or a bad thing (ladies?), but it can be pretty damn drafty in this cold weather. Some days, I bet I could snap off my genitalia like a graham cracker. Not pleasant. I probably can't bear children now, 'cause my sperm are frozen. Never really gave any thought to having little Jeromes running around the house, anyways. Not being able to have little Jeromes might be doing the world a favor. ;)

Oh, loot. Right. Yeah, I wasn't given any cash or Sears gift cards this year, which is a first. I didn't get too much, but I did get a lot of stuff for when the day comes that I do move to Keene: new cookware to replace the horrible set I have stored away in the attic. Toaster oven. A crockpot! I can make all the chili in the world! Too bad I've never had the stuff. Seriously. So now that I have all this stuff, I gotta find a woman to use it all and make stuff for me. Any takers? (Kidding! Though seriously, if you want to, I'm not gonna stop you. ;))

Got a neat earth-tone beaded necklace on a leather thread from my nephews (my sister has one kid, but I consider my brother-in-law's kid to be a nephew, too). It's kinda nice. Not into beads, but I can see myself wearing it. It's an interesting choice of material. I'm not interested in silver, gold, or platinum, and I have been wearing a well-concealed wood pendant on a leather thread for the past couple years. I don't flaunt it; takes too much work to explain the symbolism of it all when people notice it. I do a good job of keeping the cord out of sight. So it's kinda neat that they bought something for me that I would wear when they don't ever notice me wearing "jewelry."

Got some other stuff, too, but nothing else noteworthy.

I'm starting to appreciate birthday and Christmas cards more and more as the years go on. After getting a record high in Christmas cards last year, I got a record low this year: two. One per parent. Sniff. I did get a nice warm and fuzzy email, though, so maybe I can count that as #3. But to be fair, I only sent one card out, so uh... I'll have to work on that whole giving and receiving cards thing next year.

Short day at work today. Most of the accounts we deal with daily had the day off, so there wasn't a hell of a lot of work to do, even with half of our staff. I'll take this time to get shit ready for selling on eBay. Nothing good, though, and only a couple items. Nothing of worth. Stay tuned. Fa la la la la...
I was overcome with glee when I made it to work this morning. Someone had left a bag of goodies on my chair, filled with candy and all sorts of little knick-knacks. I thought I had a secret admirer or perhaps a fellow coworker felt the need to get me something. No one signed the card. I was feeling the love. Then I realized ten seconds later that everyone got a bag, courtesy of our new department heads. On further inspection, I found some company-branded goods like an ornament and water bottle. There went my sense of joy; I wasn't any more special than anyone else. :p It was nice while it lasted.

Might as well purge some links, because I might not write for a couple days:

Pez mp3 players: because you want to be retro and modern at the same time.

The iWipe: because computers are everywhere, even in the bathroom.

Sex advice from booth girls: because if you can't ask eye candy your sex questions at a video game conference, then this world isn't worth living in.

Harry Potter books cast protection spells: because you never know when you'll trigger a magic missile booby trap.

Merry Christmas. And if you're not Christian, Merry Christmas anyway.

I'm not playing this politically correct bullshit. :p "Somebody throw me a frickin' bone here..."
"I'm the boss. Need the info."

Someone needs to explain to my why I can't get the ball rolling on anything that involves events with other people. Usually, if people want to do something that somehow involves me, there's this I like to call "a plan." This is where those involved come together and work out details like where the event will take place, and bonus points if you can also pin down a time. Usually, that's all I need to go on, but other details such as an "itinerary" of sorts would be a welcome addition.

Apparently I'm asking for too much, because I have multiple plans involving different people and not a single one of them is amounting to anything. (The plans, that is. Not the people.) Kinda defeats the purpose of seeing other people if those other people seem to have lost interest in seeing me. :( "Coffee makes me nervous when I drink it. Mmm."
Sorry, no Christmas funnies today. I'm tapped out. I have some funny Christmas pics I'd like to share, but I can't seem to access them in my work email account from home. It's weird. Some attachments I can open. Others I can't.

Holiday party at work today. I think my "Secret Santa" recipient was pleased with his gift. It turns out that he drew my name as well. I got him some scratch tickets and some hand warmers (he hunts), and I got a DVD of Sling Blade. I've never seen the movie, and I find it quite amusing that I got it. There's people at my part-time gig that say I have to see that movie; I assume I must have mannerisms similar to Billy Bob Thornton's role or another character in the movie. Either that or they think I'm retarded. And here I get the DVD at my latest full-time gig. Funny. Spares me the rental fee. I hope it turns out to be good.

My job is still going well. I'm getting a "promotion" of sorts. Since I've started, I've done primarily the diverted buying into the warehouses of what's considered our #2 region. Though this quarter has been rough, I've been traditionally wrecking the hell out of my goals for each facility each quarter. I'm an asshole when it comes to the pricing I demand, and I buy a lot of shit aggressively. The accounts we do business with respect me, and my manager says I put my region on the map. I've even saved more money than our #1 region a couple days. In a row. That should be nearly a statistical impossibility, because the #1 region does insanely more business than I could ever hope to get done in my region. So what's my "promotion?" The #1 region is gonna be my bitch, and the #2 region will get handed off to someone else. Heh. It pays the same, and involves working with people outside of my department (lots of hands in the cookie jar with this region), and if I'm ever looking to move up in this ever-growing company, it'd be in my best interest to collaborate with some people that work in other facets of the company. I kinda enjoy the almost free reign I had, though. :p Not only are the higher-ups in my department curious as to what I can do with this region, but some of the people we do business with are looking forward to me restoring the region to its former glory. Just bring it.

Shouldn't be much different than what I have been doing. Just more volume. And more restrictions about what I can and can't buy at any given moment. The facilities are significantly closer together, too. Makes it wicked easy to piece together a full truck of groceries.

I really wish it was Friday night right about now. I wanna watch my movie. Better yet, Saturday night. No, that won't work, either. I'm going to my dad's Saturday morning (Christmas Eve), and then people are gonna come over Saturday afternoon at my mom's or sister's. Boozing tends to be involved, and with all of the festivities going on, I doubt there will be any peace and quiet to watch a DVD. Some people may have to sleep over. ;) Hmmm. Sunday afternoon, then? Come on over, and bring some popcorn with you. And a present for me. It'll be Christmas, after all. Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when you were conceived, right?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie and a sweater vest. You like that, fruitcake?

Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch and give your mom my number.

Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Moron.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex because both of your parents are worthless lazy shits. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams.

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater... again.

Santa

How to have a fun Christmas sleepover

Christmas Cookie Ingredients

1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka

Sample the Absolute to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor... mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Absolut to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Absolute. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!

Go home!
People were camping outside my store when I got there at 3:45 AM. We didn't open until 8:00. They were in line in hopes of getting one of the 24 XBox 360's we had in stock. And when I say they were camping, some of them were -- in fact -- camping. Pop-up tents and all. How fucking pathetic. I thought Black Friday lines were bad, and there was also a line when the XBox 360 first came out (we had to call the police for that train wreck), but this is a few weeks after the fact! Do you really need a piece of gaming hardware that has had several reports of overheating and crashing? You might as well buy a computer and buy my spare video card and you'll have something you can do more than play games with. With a PC, you can even download porn!

I'm not particularly interested in console gaming. Games are damn pricey! I don't have anything newer than the SNES. I have a working Atari and NES in my attic. I may consider getting a PS3, though, assuming it will be backwards compatible. I've been missing out on way too many decent RPG's. Hopefully that will have a better launch than the X-Box 360.

Anyway...

Had my Christmas shopping done in the middle of last week. That was until I was forced to pick a name from my department's "Secret Santa" hat. I ended up getting someone I'm not particularly fond of and perhaps someone who hates me. He rags on me a lot in a not-so-jokingly manner. I don't mind being given shit to -- hell, I dish out a lot of it -- but only from those who I've gotten to know at least a little bit. I don't know this guy at all. I think I'd rather punch this guy instead of getting to know him better. Awesome. So after work today, I took care of that bastard's crappy gift as well as some other odds and ends, and back home I went to get some much-needed sleep.

Wrapped up a few presents. I'll save the oddly shaped ones for my sister to wrap or something. ;) Still need to buy cards and envelopes for the two-dimensional gifts not worth wrapping. That and I'd like to send some cards to my peeps I won't see for Christmas. Not sure the cards will arrive on time, though. It's getting to be quite late in the game. Xmas funnies
Expect to see a joke a day for a while, since a lot of these holiday ones are what I'd like to refer to as "time sensitive." They kinda lack their luster if I saved these for Memorial Day, don't you think?

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Holidays!

As a side note, those of you who think that sending a forward out to a specific number of people will yield the answer to some sort of riddle or give you some other present need to get your head checked. Seriously. If all email accounts ran on the same client and had the same exploit, sure, something might happen... most likely in viral format.

Though it is kinda ironic if the answer to the riddle is "nothing" and you wonder why your magic email with the answer never shows up. Sex sex sex
I think most of these came from Blogywood:

Kodak trying to tap into the pervert sector. Not bad, but I still like my Nikon.

Google video search results for "hot girls making out." It's work safe. And not what you'd expect.

The top 100 female-to-male cities in America. I'm on my way to North Center, Mass.

Deaf people hump too loudly over at some school in Sacremento.

And to finish it off, how about a funny from BadGirl's Hotbox?

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Frosty meets Mortal Kombat
From a guy I work with:

As a child, I was always attempting to "push the limits" on my seasonal decorations. From simple things as a two headed snowman, to the Santa that had been hit by a car, I felt that holiday expression was an important issue. So, without any further delay, I present to you: "My Front Yard: 2005".

There are like 20 children that live on his street, too.

On a somewhat similar note, Police whack giant snow penis. Nice headline. Awww...!
Here's your site for the day: Cute Overload. The kittens and chipmunks are ridiculously cute. It's a really tough choice as to which of the showcased animals I'd like to throw into the washing machine first. Which one do you think would shriek the loudest while pawing the door of the dryer wanting to get out? I think this cat would put on a good show.

I'm so mean. I hurt them because I love them.

In reality, I'd let them all live their life. Except maybe for the sugargliders, since they give me flashbacks of bats flying around my room. Sons of bitches. Flying mammals are evil and have no business being alive. Boneage
I have cousins that had a bunch of Legos as kids. I didn't have any at the time. Legos were (and very much still are) the shit. One year in my youth, all I really wanted as a Christmas present were some Legos, too. The problem with Legos, though, is that they aren't remotely cheap. Sure, you can get a generic bucket of parts for almost nothing, but if you wanted a cool looking house or an airport, those sets are gonna set you back some serious cash.

Instead, I ended up getting these dinosaur lego-like things that, after scouring the internet forever, turned out to have been called Bone Age. They were pretty cool, and significantly cheaper. Really heavy toys, though. I swear they must have been made out of lead. Each dinosaur could be torn apart and rebuilt into two other things, and that dinosaur could be combined with other dinosaurs in its clan (aka "group") to form some crazy-ass fortresses of death and mayhem. I entertained myself for many weekends at my dad's with them. It's a shame that the product line went under. It might have been for the best, though, because the packaging on some of those toys look pretty risqué. What self-respecting dinosaur has a tail that shoots off its ass? I'm not sure if it is in the midst of battle or if Zur startled it by touching its special spot behind its skull.

That pterodactyl one pissed me off. Its face consists of four parts that hinge to another piece that acts as the back of its head. The four parts don't lock into each other, so the head never lined up nicely. And if you transformed it into the helicopter thing, The helicopter blades would frequently hit the rudder. Piece of crap.

I did eventually get Legos one year. A few sets worth maybe 120 bucks all together. When I outgrew them, we gave them to my neighbor when he was having a yard sale. He sold them all for a dollar. That bastard. He could have gotten so much more. What a lucky kid the purchaser must have had. Tuesday Funnies

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:
"Red............cherry"
"Yellow.........lemon"
"Green..........lime"
"Orange.........orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all a honey-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue: it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh my god, they're assholes!"

More random stuff
Hot Sauce Labels -- in case you couldn't tell, it's a weblog dedicated to hot sauce labels. I guess the use of profanity and distasteful pics are ok if you have a product with habanero in it.

Mayor wants to ban death -- why, is it considered holy ground to Duncan Mcleod and his sword-swinging kind? I've heard that the Highlander was a documentary and the events happened in real time...

Hel Looks -- See how stylish the people of Finland are. Actually, I'll spare you the effort: they aren't. It's like mixing up clash, punk rock, and mullets all together.

Word Oddities and Trivia -- "Antidistablishmentarianism" has nothing on "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis!"

Christopher Robin gets a sex operation?

The Constitution is "just a god damned piece of paper" to George W. Bush.

Stupid Computer Tricks -- not so much "tricks" in the common use of the word, but people doing retarded things to their PC's and wondering why they don't work afterwards. The sweet smell of commercialism
I woke up at 4 this morning. That's quite the luck, because that's what time my alarm was to wake me up, but I forgot to set it the night before. I did my morning things and was out the door. Though I thought I was ten minutes early for work, it turns out I was 50 minutes late for work because as we get closer the Christmas, the store opens sooner and closes later. Part of me thought that today was a day in which I should have been at work an hour earlier than normal, but I didn't really care. :) Not that it would have mattered, because my alarm clock was never set. Next Sunday, I have to be there for 4 AM. I'm thinking of getting completely shitfaced Saturday afternoon, because there is no other way I'm gonna be able to sleep and feel rested when my alarm clock goes off at 2 in the morning. Binging is fun.

On the plus side, I don't have to work the Sunday after that (Christmas) or the Sunday after that one (requested it off to go drinking in Boston).

I'm feeling somewhat disconnected from my store. Not so much from my fellow employees (though I don't recognize many faces anymore), but since I've only worked once a week for the past seven months, I don't really know where any specific product is kept when customers come up to me looking for help. Locations for items are always changing, and with all of the crap they pile on in our store for the holidays, you're never really sure where a specific advertised item is being displayed. You can't really ask another associate for help, because everyone is busy. It also sucks because the inventory is always changing, and there's all sorts of cool toys that we sell and I don't know a damn thing about them. Kinda hard to help the customers out with their questions. Though I'm technically not a stockholder (though I do have stock options) nor am I sales person, so I still don't really care. :)

Had some visitors while working today. My sister and father came in together to see me and buy some shit. Couldn't really mingle with them since I had my own stuff to do. But when I did, I don't think they paid attention much or showed any interest (ie, cared) about anything I was saying, which kinda added to my day of disconnection. Fear me and my one-person family. And then they wonder why I don't ever have anything to say...

I also had my ex-roommate-to-be come up to see me, which was kind of a surprise. Keene to Concord is a lengthy trip. She was pounding out some Christmas shopping, happened to be in the area, you know how it goes.

I really wanted to knock out most of what remains of my Christmas shopping after work today, but that didn't happen. I ended up staying for an extra four hours at work for a number of reasons, so by the time I got out, it was too friggin' nuts out there for me to want to do anything except bee line home as quickly as possible. I'm gonna have to hope the same thing doesn't happen next Sunday, or perhaps I would be better served making a trip up to Concord some time during the week and finish all of it then.

Fantasy football is reaching its playoff stage. I'll be seeded somewhere between 3rd and 5th going in, though I don't really have much faith that I'll make it past the first round. If one makes it to the second round, you're guaranteed to at least break even. It figures that in my no-money full-time job's league, I'm seeded #1 and I'm totally destroying the guy I'm playing at the moment. Playoffs in that league started today. I have no reason to believe that I won't be the champ when the whole thing ends in a couple weeks. Figures that we weren't playing for money. :P Bragging rights will have to do. Christmas Stories
Man, 33, seeks puberty -- But if he grows up, he can't be a Toys 'R' Us kid!

The Religious Symbol Dictionary -- In case you wanted good tattoo ideas or something. I'm kinda impressed (and scared?) about how many oddball symbols I know the meanings of. I mean "oddball" in the most sincere way, pagans. Please don't kill me.

Hanging Santa -- Freedom of speech or a way to scare children?

They should take down Paris Hilton's display first. Pompous bitch. What does she have to do with Christmas? She's better off making a holiday porno.

Santa has a weblog?

A french fry box holder with a built-in reservoir for ketchup! The perfect gift to show you care!

I don't know what's going on here.

Some links found from a new source of links for me: The J-Walk Blog. The weather outside is frightful.
There's a lot of snow here. Sure would be nice to have an apartment close to work right about now. So much for that. I have, however, been given the option to spend nights at my ex-roommate-to-be's place if the weather sucks. I was thinking of doing that last night. However, she left work before I did, and not knowing where she lives, I can't really get there, can I? I've asked for her phone number a couple times just in case I need it, but she still hasn't given it to me. Hmm. Don't extend to me a hand to grab onto if you're just gonna pull away. I was kinda looking forward to a night of cribbage action... :/

It took me about an hour to get to work yesterday morning. I got stuck behind four different plow trucks. That was fine by me, though, because I don't like being the lead car / "pole sitter" on a winter trek. And they weren't salt trucks, so I was ok with it. At least it wasn't a 75-minute commute.

The drive back home was kinda fun. I'm not convinced that packed down snow and a lackluster plow job makes for a high-traction road. It might have taken me 45 minutes to do my typically 30-minute commute. The wipers were earning their $20 value.

I didn't have to work today. There wasn't a real need for any of us to come in this morning. Not sure what I'm gonna do with this time off, but it will probably involve a shovel. Yay. What would Chuck Norris do?
This is too funny to save until Tuesday. I shared this with my coworkers and one of them had to go freshen up in the bathroom 'cause he was laughing out loud and crying. Not so popular with the ladies, though. Not sure why that is. Whatever.

31 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

There's a bunch more at this site.

Kudos to Jon for sending this to me in the first place. Segues
Trading Bibles for porn in Texas. Because atheists don't have anything better to do than making others lose faith.

Speaking of porn, you can own your own porn company through eBay! Limited time offer! Act fast! Then you won't need to trade scripture for smut! You can make your own!

Speaking of eBay, even eBay falls to phishing scams. Fucking losers. Way to get owned.

Speaking of getting owned, the guy on this motorcycle gets totally owned. Who looks before making left turns anyway? I'd like to see a picture of that white sedan driver's face post-collision.

Speaking of pictures, check out some Photoshop fun with classic art. Jesus has got it goin' on! I'd like a framed replica of some of that.

Speaking of frames, New Hampshire has crazy people, too. I bet he wish he didn't put on some weight after high school... though I'm not entirely sure if he completed it if he's trying to bull charge a 9" x 15" window.

Like how I did that? I'm so cool.

Links courtesy from my common sources, all of which are linked to the left somewhere. Tuesday Funnies

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against the wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant
business. The CEO walked up to the guy and asked, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "$300.00. Why?"

The CEO then reached into his pocket and handed the guy $1,200 in cash then screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off was doing here?"

One of the other workers chuckled, "Delivering pizza."

See you next Tuesday! I don't have a clever title or quote. Sorry.
It was fun driving to work today. I knew I needed new wiper blades. I was gonna pick some up yesterday but my owner's manual didn't tell me how long each blade has to be. I didn't have a ruler handy, so I was like "screw it" and continued to drive with my very crappy wipers. I don't think I have changed them once since I got my car about 2 1/2 years ago.

I really needed new wipers during my commute to work this morning. I couldn't see shit. It wasn't snowing or anything. It was all of the salt and crap kicking up from the wheels of the cars in front of me hitting my windshield. My old blades didn't clear anything away, with or without fluid. It just made it worse. By the time I was at work, my car had more white stuff on it than an impressionable Japanese teenager in a bukkake video. It was awful.

I did get blades during my lunch break. They cost 20 bucks for a pair. Ouch. At that price, they not only better make my windshield squeaky clean, but they should come with a coupon for some head from a hobo near the local train tracks. Or something.

Did some Christmas shopping yesterday. Nothing eventful. I'm pretty much at the point now where those who I have left to shop for don't know what they want; and I don't have a clue what to get them. Damnit. I may have to take the cheap cop-out and go for the ol' gift certificate routine.

But first, I must sleep. Yawn. "Piss off, little witches."
Once again, Mother Nature stymies my plans to go play in the woods. I had the intention of doing some caching after I left work, but I was completely surprised to find an inch of snow on my car when it was time for me to go. There wasn't any sign of snow when I left for work... Hmmph. I think I'm done for the year.

Previews for the movie Aeon Flux have been piquing my interest in seeing it. I haven't really seen many (any?) movies since my main movie-going partners moved one and two time zones away, but this one almost makes me want to go to the theatre alone. The reviews of the movie indicate that it could be the worst film of the year, though. And it doesn't follow the story of the animated show of the same name. That's what interested me in the first place: Aeon Flux is a decent "cartoon." It's layered, deep, and thought-provoking. But watching the movie trailer makes me want to see it and it makes me want to gag. The characters don't look remotely like their Liquid Television counterparts, and the premise of the movie appears to be that Aeon is given a mission to kill Trevor Goodchild. In the animated series, Aeon wasn't given missions. She made her own. She is always out to foil Trevor's plans, yet they are also lovers. I hope that's not the "twist" they drop near the end of the movie. Fanatics of the show will rise up and have a mutiny.

It's also a neat show because Aeon doesn't always win at the end of the episode. She dies in a lot of them, sometimes in a Wile E. Coyote sort of way. Makes you wonder how she comes back for the next episode. It's sci-fi, so I guess they must have gene replication devices or something. Everything is possible in the future!

Maybe I'll just wait for the goat bastard movie to play... Links!
Just purging some links. Now seems as good of a time as any.

* If you ever find yourself on one of those company automated phone services, check this site out first. It gives you all of the "cheat codes" to get to an actual human instead of navigating through menu after menu.

* The condom-in-a-can: coming in a uterus near you... so to speak.

* When I first got hired at my current full-time job, I was playing an email game where we'd come up with our own state mottos. I recently found a list where I guess someone decided to do the same thing except post it online. But I like some of the ones I came up with more, the more memorable ones being:

"Welcome to Alaska, home of America's seal clubbing contest."
New Jersey - the toll booth state (credit goes to George Carlin)
"Welcome to New Mexico, the only state illegal aliens won't run into."
New Hampshire - 69-ing Vermont for over 200 years.

They have some good ones, though:

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

* If you're looking for a cheap $600 notebook (companies don't want to call them "laptops" anymore because they run too hot to put on your lap!), Anandtech has a decent review on many. I'd like to get a new laptop, since the one I have was awesome... for 1997. But if I was to get one, I think I'd like to play with a Tablet PC or a Powerbook. Those don't run close to cheap, though. Hmm. Looks like I'd have to stick with a Thinkpad, because I can't deal with those touchpads. I like that little red "joystick." "... Come play my game; I'll test ya!"
I have no days off from the Saturday that followed Thanksgiving until Christmas Eve. Jealous yet?

I haven't been looking at apartments this week because I came down with SARS or something. It's funny that I got a cold so quickly when the shopping season has just begun. Last year, I worked in retail almost every day during the holiday season and I did not even come down with a case of the sniffles until the beginning of spring! My immune system was the envy of all other immune systems. Not so much this year, though. Grr.

No apartment means no rent, which also means I could pay off the rest of my student loans in full. I'm now debt-free, and a month ahead of schedule! Well, I do have to pay for my car, but at 0% APR, there is no benefit to paying that off in advance. But anyway, having paid off tens of thousands of dollars in student loans -- with interest and having to declare a forbearance for six months -- is quite a remarkable feat for me, given where I've had to work and whatnot. Time to throw a sexy party.

I was given a letter in the mail about a safety recall on my car. Something about the back doors not latching properly when the pawl pivot area corrodes, wherever that is. I'd like to get that taken care of, but Hillsboro Ford is not gonna touch my car. Those fuck stains don't deserve any future business from me. The next closest dealership would be in Keene or Concord, so it'd probably work best for me to get an apartment in Keene and get someone locally to drop me off and pick me up. Damnit.

I used to joke around all the time with my ex-roommate-to-be, who also happens to sit across from me. The person to my right was agitating me, then she (supposedly jokingly) copped me an attitude about a purchase I was willing to make but at a lower price. I was already getting angered by the person to my right, and I gave her a look that she has never seen before: I had a fire behind my eyes and was looking for her to bring it, because I wasn't gonna take shit from anyone. It was quite awesome; because it takes a lot to piss me off, and if you manage to succeed, I will fucking rip you up. I don't care. I aim to hurt. I will destroy you. It doesn't bother me if we no longer are friends or if you die for that matter, for I'll be the one kicking you while you're down and pissing on your grave. Don't believe me? Try it and find out, asshole. Yeah, I have serious anger issues. Kind of a side effect for being a perfectionist (it's a subtle correlation most people won't recognize). I didn't get to explode -- hell, I didn't say anything to her -- but it did shut her up for the last two days. Now her sentences start like "Jerome, if you have time..." or "If you don't mind, can you please take a look at..." It's really nice.

I also have forgiveness issues, so if you want to fuck with me, make it good. There's no getting off my shit list.

I'm getting fired up just thinking about it. :) The ball of hate that lies dormant inside me doesn't get to play too often. And when it does, I relish in the experience. Woo, I better find some Enya or Yanni to calm me down a bit...