Tuesday Funnies
Consider it a birthday present, Chris. :)

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll: Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things: Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Random thoughts.
I got a letter two months ago about a recall on my car because of corrosion in the pawl pivot area. My car was fine two months ago, but I think that corrosion has been happening the last few weeks, because you can hear my door locks trying to lock over and over again without actually catching. It does it all day long. Even when my brother-in-law goes to work at like 4:00 in the morning, he can see the inside light of my car turn on and off as my car tries to determine whether the doors are open or not. I probably should get that taken care of. This makes it imperative that I complete my move to Keene as soon as possible and get my car serviced there, because those ass clowns at Hillsboro Ford aren't touching my car ever again.

I don't expect to be fully moved in for quite some time, but I hope that I can take up full-time residence some time over the next two weeks. I can fill in the furniture and storage gaps as needed shortly thereafter.

I really need a haircut. My hair is pretty ridiculous.

I noticed that computer pricing in retail stores is getting to the point where it would be hard to build your own computer with similar specs and do it for cheaper than buying one straight from a brick-and-mortar store. There still seems to be a lot of wiggle room if you're going for top-of-the-line components. But for entry level and even some mid-level setups, Aunt Floe would be better off getting that Gateway package than having you build one for her. Sure, you sacrifice some upgradability by buying a retail solution, but I have yet to replace more than two or three parts in a computer before I pawn it off and build one from scratch all over again.

I am somewhat miffed that Jack Bauer (of the show 24) has yet to say, "There isn't any time!" or "We're running out time!" or anything of that nature. That was like his trademarked phrase back I when I used to watch the show in its first seasons. Hey, is Kim Bauer dead? Haven't seen her this season yet, and she was quite the cutie, albeit somewhat of a bitch during the first year of the show.

I also like it when they build up the ambient music to the point that you know some badass character from the past is about to appear on the screen, and then that person shows up with no reaction from me. I missed the last 1 1/2 seasons, so the supposed badass in question is just another random person as far as I'm aware.

All the hot girls at my work are smokers, and that makes me sad.

I'm feeling the urge to shoot some pool, but I don't know of anywhere to do so. Well, there is a bar in Keene, but that's not local. Yet.

Please stop with the snow and sleet already. I'd rather see lightning like I saw three weeks ago. That was crazy. Design on a dime
Moved some crap into my apartment today. It was mostly kitchen stuff and the little things you don't think you need until you realize it too late. Things like an egg timer. A toilet paper roll holder. A cutting board. Various cleaning supplies. Et cetera.

My place isn't as big as I once thought it was. Well, I never thought it was big, but it's clear that I'm in dire need of more shelving and other forms of storage. I don't have a good place to put most of my small appliances, and I don't have a good spot to put extra linens or bathroom supplies. I was hoping to squeeze a recliner and a 7' couch into my living room, but I'm gonna have to give up one or the other. Space is becoming a luxury. That's funny, because I don't really own much, but I think once you add up all of the little stuff and all of the stuff in my mother's attic that will never see the light of day if I don't take it, it's gonna get a bit cramped. I guess that will be ok, because I don't expect to entertain more than one person at a time.

And I haven't even loaded in any furniture yet. I'm gonna have to look for tall and narrow fixtures. My ceilings are fairly high. I need to buy a step stool if I want to reach the top shelf in my cabinets.

Maybe I should just call in the crew of one of a dozen shows on HGTV to fix my "problem" before it even becomes a problem?

It's hard to lose stuff in my new apartment, but I somehow managed to lose some spare batteries and the carrying case to my camera as I took some pics of my sweet little shanty. It was hard to take any good shots of the bedroom and living room because they were "too close." I'm not gonna post them at this time; I'll retake a few of them after work some day this coming week. So much done, so much to do...
Not much writing this week. I'm a busy guy. I got shit to do. But I can give you a quick synopsis of my week (not in chronological order):

I've totally been shafting myself when writing my income on apartment applications. I take my monthly income after taxes and multiply by 12. What I really should have been doing is multiplying by 13, because I've been taking account for 48 weeks of pay (assuming each month is 4 weeks long) instead of all 52. I wonder if that was part of the problem I was having.

I haven't moved in yet, but everything is squared away and I can move in at any time. I took a look at some furniture this guy at work is trying to get rid of, and I'm gonna take most of it. Not sure when he can help me move it in, but I hope to be ready to claim full-time occupancy maybe next weekend or so. Still need some other furniture pieces and to get a hold of Time Warner for some sweet 'net action. Maybe basic cable, too. Anyone have a TV, TV stand, and/or couch they're looking to get rid of for cheap?

I don't like writing checks. I like automatic billing. Now I have to write two checks a month -- rent and heat -- and get pissed off when they don't cash in my checks for a couple weeks, screwing up my amount on hand in my check register.

I should probably do direct deposit, because now that I have real bills, I won't have as much luxury to hoard all of my checks for a month and deposit them all at once. I have enough stored away that I can probably get away with doing this still, but if my cute little teller girl that totally loves me is working 30 miles away, it's not gonna be worth the trip to go up and do it. Maybe there are some hot teller girls in Keene that can learn to want me, too?

I'm not getting much back from my federal taxes. Then again, I never have. I owed them money last year. Everyone else around me seems to be raking in the dough. Probably because everyone else is married and/or has kids.

401k plans should be as simple as choosing how much you want of your pay you want to go to retirement. I don't understand why I have to choose how I want my retirement money invested. Makes me worried that if my mutual funds bomb out, I'm gonna be living in a cardboard box or never retiring.

While people at my part-time place of work always complain about their pay, I consider myself well paid for what I do, especially with my latest raise kicking in: I replace price signs and scan them for accuracy. Tough life. And my stock options haven't kicked in yet. There's quite a lot of profit there if the stock stays at its current price.

According to my full-time job's informal review, I rock the hizzy. I scored as high as possible or above average in just about every category. People look up to me (Really? I'm not an all-knowing seasoned veteran!), and I've been partly responsible for breaking down the barriers that once existed in the department (probably because I don't know or care about office politics). I think my biggest "weakness" is that I haven't networked with anyone outside of my 20-person department. I've never had a reason to, though, so that's hardly my fault. I want to, both from a professional standpoint and the fact that there are quite a number of hotties working nearby. ;) I gotta reestablish my harem now that all of my lady friends at my part-time job have quit or transferred. Sniff.

There's a post-holiday work party tomorrow night and a lot of people are surprisingly bummed that I'm not going. (At sign-up time, I didn't have an apartment locally and I still work Sunday mornings.) I guess I'm the life of the party?

A woman that comes in to partake in my mother's services feels she can play matchmaker with me. Problem is, I make shitty first impressions (I'm not gonna talk to you if I don't know you) and I'm not really looking to "hook up" at the moment. Blind dates are pointless. Though if I could have a "guide" through my zany adventures in Keene or a sidekick to hike with, that would be nice.

I heard my ex-roommmate-to-be talking on the phone with someone about finding herself a roommate. Makes me wonder if I just wasn't what she was hoping for or if that landlord's rent deal has expired.

I'm tired. Every day. All the time. I need more sleep. But whenever a snowstorm rolls through, I wake up much earlier than I normally do so I don't have to deal with slow traffic and to account for the slower overall speed I'll be traveling at. Plus with all of the stuff I've been doing after work, I don't really have any time to unwind before I have to go to bed.

Hey, Trace Adkins: Dave Chappelle called and he wants you to stop making money off of one of his popularized expressions. Unoriginal prick.

Time for a nap. Ciao. Tuesday Funnies
Got you a two-fer today!

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I'm big in the Philippines.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jerome!

1. If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and Jerome would be as small as a pea.
2. The first American zoo was built in 1794, and contained only Jerome.
3. The ace of spades in a playing card deck symbolizes Jerome.
4. Baby swans are called Jerome!
5. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat Jerome, though it may feel uncomfortable.
6. The porpoise is second to Jerome as the most intelligent animal on the planet!
7. India tested its first nuclear Jerome in 1974.
8. Jerome can usually be found in nests built in the webs of large spiders.
9. The Jerome-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand Jerome-fights take place there every day.
10. In the Spanish edition of Cluedo, Jerome is the victim.

And here are Ten Top Trivia Tips about other people I know:

1. Tradition allows women to propose to Shelley only during leap years.
2. When provoked, Sue will swivel the tip of her abdomen and shoot a jet of boiling chemicals at her attacker.
3. Bob once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest.
4. If a snake is born with two heads, the heads will fight over who gets Ray.
5. Gilbert can not regurgitate!
6. Courtney will often rub up against people to lay her scent and mark her territory.
7. Only fifty-five percent of men wash their hands after using Mike.
8. All gondolas in Venice must be painted black unless they belong to Jennifer!
9. Jon is the world's tallest woman.
10. In Japan it is considered rude to talk with Christina in your mouth.

The Surrealist has all sorts of nifty things. Screencasting sounds fun!
Much like most of my days spent scouring the net for information, I take a few unexpected turns and forget what I was looking for in the first place. I was initially looking for broadband service provides in Keene, NH, then found myself looking for weblogs from people in or around Keene. I somehow came across Jon Udell's weblog, more specifically, his Google Maps walking tour of Keene.

Then it hit me: that's what I want to do. With my trusty GPS and the awesomeness of Google Maps, I can make an interactive map of various cross sections of Americana. Or New Hampshire, anyway. I really want to get into using my digital camera more. And once my move is complete, I want to document my findings of this town I know nothing about. (Except that the elephant scene in Jumanji was shot here.) It was kinda the main purpose of starting up this website in the first place: to record my offbeat shenanigans and see the world for what it is. I don't think I'm gonna pull a Jon Sheldon and tour the country anytime soon, but to show people parts of the world no one knows about is a good start. Now I just figure out how to do it.

What's neat is the apartment I thought I would have is next to the cemetery in Udell's walking tour "screencast." It's right on Beaver Street.

He also documents the October NH flood in a 20 MB screencast, and the 2005 Keene Pumpkin Festival with a 35 MB movie.

Rock on. "Five by five."

"At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. And then you're like... that's where Spike slept. And there, that's where Anya and I drowned a Separvo demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place."

-- Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer in regards to moving out of his parents' basement

I don't hate the place I currently live, but I think the quote could be handy for once I move. Looking forward to my future memories of fun times.

Speaking of moving, that's happening soon.

I finally found a landlord willing to make me a tenant, and I put down a security deposit and paid my first month's rent today. I still have to sign the lease and call the heat and utilities people to put those things under my bill, but aside from those, I'm good to go. I should be able to move in as soon as Wednesday.

It's a first floor one-bedroom apartment near the center of Keene. You walk into a tiled kitchen, the bathroom is to the left, and straight ahead you'll notice that the living room and bedroom are carpeted. The whole thing is in neutral tones, with the walls being like a cream color, the tiles more of a gray, and the carpet is some sort of brownish color. Each room has a window (except the bathroom) with gray trim. I'll put some pics up when I get some.

I'm not incredibly excited about having a new place to call home (I rarely get excited about anything), as I don't feel it accomplishes anything. I don't have a feeling of independence, because I achieved that once I got a job that paid well enough for me to live on my own. The only real satisfaction I get out of this is that those people hoping to room with me when Spring arrives can no longer get me to shack up with them. Oh, and my commute will be drastically reduced, saving time and gas money. Plus I can have whoever I want over whenever I feel like it without having to worry about potentially pissing off someone else. Yay privacy.

I'm somewhat concerned about what this may mean for my mother, because we live in a huge house but because her back has been horrible in recent times, I've been the one doing a lot of the lifting and moving things between floors. There's stuff that has to be moved daily because of her many in-home businesses.

Now comes the fun task of acquiring shit and moving it into my apartment. I don't own much, so I'm gonna have to bargain hunt. I don't really want super nice stuff, because this (hopefully) won't be the last place I claim residency at. Should I find myself in a position to get married or have a family or own a house, I can splurge on good furniture then. But for now, hand-me-downs will do, and I can always "upgrade" various pieces later. There's a buddy at work who is getting married soon, and all of his furniture is in storage waiting for someone else to claim them. I'll probably take some of it, and he's willing to help me move it in. I might take some stuff from my existing bedroom, and the remainder may come from "Corner Cupboard" ads in the Concord Monitor. For that stuff, I hope to rely on a close friend I haven't seen in eons and for some reason, is willing to make the 2 1/2-hour trip to Concord and the subsequent 1 1/2-hour journey to Keene. That just baffles my mind that she would be willing to do such a thing for me, 'cause I can't honestly say that I would have done the same for her. There are very very few people I'm willing to go that far out of my way for, and the fact that she wants to make plans to make this happen... well... it's quite touching to say the least. I wasn't expecting help, and for someone several hours away willing to dedicate the day(s) to help me out... damn. That's fucking impressive.

So that's about where I'm at now. I'll have to get my stuff out of the attic, wash everything, and move small loads into my apartment after work each day. I should also research about what cool things I can make in a crockpot, since I got one for Christmas. I don't expect to be living the high life for the first couple months, so anything cheap and easy yet somehow yummy I can make in it will be a welcome addition to my somewhat lackluster cooking arsenal. That and I should find out who services broadband access in Keene, because even if I don't have a TV or furniture, I need to at least be able to download goat pornagraphy. ;) Tuesday Funnies

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past (well shyness anyway), and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

Maybe winter weather should still be a concern of mine...
I didn't go to work Sunday. I got up, got ready, and started driving in the icy and snowy mess before me. Apparently the plows haven't come through, probably because the Pats game was late Saturday night. But that should be no excuse. I watched the game, and I was awake and on the road at 6 AM.

But anyway, there was about six inches of ice and snow on the ground, and I couldn't see 1/10th of a mile in front of me. It was awful. I couldn't really tell where the road was going and found myself drifting too close to the edge at times. I was hoping that just the plows in my town were tardy, but once I drove into the next town (a typically 5-minute drive that took 15 minutes), that wasn't plowed either. So, I turned around and went home. Fuck that.

I probably should have called out this morning, too. The roads were pretty crappy. There's this section of downhill road that makes a sharp left turn at the end of it. As I slowed down to ready up for that turn, my car started turning on its own. I started fishtailing out of control, and before I knew it, I did a 180 and reached a stop courtesy of the snow bank off the side of the road. There was my cardio workout for the day.

I was able to get out and turn myself around, and upon inspection of my car, I couldn't find a scratch. I didn't hit the snow that hard. I was more concerned about how much this "accident" was gonna cost me than my own health before the impact. I hope this counts as my obligatory winter accident.

I should probably get my car checked out, because on the way home from work, I could sense a vibration. Feels like my rear left tire (the tire that tasted snow) is wobbly, or that there's shit wrapping around my rear axle.

Those new tires didn't work too well, did they? Apartment update (or lack thereof)
I haven't been too aggressive with getting an apartment in the last couple months courtesy of the holidays, but I've been ramping it up this month. I haven't bothered telling you of my conquests merely because it would just be me spewing out the same shit each time: saw a place, didn't impress me, looking for something better. Would probably get rejected if I applied anyway because I lack prior rental history, though I have superb credit.

Maybe I should stop being so picky? A lot of apartments I've been seeing have been on the third floor of houses. That makes them cheap to heat, but because my ceiling is the roof, it makes for interesting room shapes. Like bathrooms you have to walk through in order to go from the kitchen to the rest of the apartment because of how the plumbing is set up. Like triangular doorless closets. Like bedrooms where you can only align the bed in one particular way. It's not like it's gonna be the last place I'm ever going to move in to...

I'm also going in with the expectation that I'm not getting any help to move, which I think is a pretty accurate statement. Hauling furniture up three stories isn't gonna be fun. I'm not even sure how I'm gonna transport it there.

Time is starting to become an enemy. Winter driving is no longer a motivation since the season is half over, but it's more to get some people off my back that think I want to room with them once the college kids vacate this spring. Truth is, let me go solo. It might be more expensive, but I won't have to rely on anyone else. I might not have anyone to talk to, but that's no different than living at home like I do now. While there are some people I wouldn't mind splitting rent with, none of them have any reason to move to Keene. Isn't that always the way? Those currently clinging to me I don't want anything to do with, yet those I'd like to see more often make it logistically unfeasible to do so and in some cases, they seem to be slipping away. Damnit.

There are some first floor apartments I'm looking at this coming week, and I hope one of them will be "the one." I'm not really looking for anything special. Just some sense of normalcy in terms of layout. I've already called a couple places this weekend, so hopefully I'll get a call back Monday, take a look at what they have, and claim one as my own before too many people take a look at it. Plus first floor apartments make it easier to move furniture. Give me a hand truck; I'll go to town.

I also want to get moved in and start geocaching again. I hate being cooped up indoors. Time goes so slowly. I've already found most caches in my hometown and plenty around Concord, and there are about 20 to find in or around Keene. And if I'm hoping to find about 40 this year (I found about 20 last year), I think I'm gonna need an early start. I want to take advantage of the unseasonably warm weather. Dutchess potatoes are yummy.
Tax season isn't quite here, but I really want to get the paperwork for it right now and get it taken care of immediately. I have the free time at the moment. Same with all of my 401(k) paperwork supposedly coming in the mail.

I gotta find out if I should have gotten a raise from my part-time gig, too. My hiring date was in October, but I got a "merit increase" in pay last February, so I don't know when I should be getting my next raise. I'm not really concerned it I should have gotten it in October, I'd get retroactive pay if that was the case anyway. That would probably add up to like 25 bucks. Yawn.

Those of you with Sprint or Nextel phone service really need to change service providers. They are horrible. I don't know how you can enjoy being disconnected every 30 seconds.

Patriots need to get their shit together. This playoff game is scaring me. Survey Says...
I like online surveys. I'm not sure how I was lead to take several of them today, but I decided to share the results to a bunch of them below. Anything is parantheses is my own "flavor text."

Your Birthdate: January 11
Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world.
You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm.
Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche.
Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. (I'm not creative. Just random.)
Your strength: Your inner peace
Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds ("You're distant" would be a better fit.)
Your power color: Emerald
Your power symbol: Leaf (What's so powerful about a leaf?)
Your power month: November

Your Heart Is Green
Love completes you, but that doesn't mean you seek it out.
When love comes your way, you integrate it peacefully into the rest of you life. (or too stupid to see it coming and miss out entirely)
Your flirting style: Laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind...)
Your lucky first date: Walking around aimlessly and talking
Your dream lover: Is both enthusiastic and calm (and susceptible to my chloroform)
What you bring to relationships: Balance

Your Power Color Is Lime Green (Green is coming up a lot, huh?)
At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.
At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.
In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.
How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. (I don't think chicks swoon over self-awareness...)
Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?" (Better yet, "What's for lunch?")

Your Life Path Number is 11
Your purpose in life is to inspire others. (Eh? Since when did I become an inspiration?)
Your amazing energy draws people to you, and you give them great insight in return.
You hold a great amount of power over others, without even trying. (Huh? I have minions?)
You have the makings of an inventor, artist, religious leader, or prophet.
In love, you are sensitive and passionate. You connect with your partner on a very deep level. (Balls deep?)
You have great abilities, but you are often way too critical of yourself.
You don't fit in - and instead of celebrating your differences, you dwell on them.
You have high expectations of yourself. But sometimes you set them too high and don't achieve anything.

How You Life Your Life
You are honest and direct. You tell it like it is. (because sugar-coated bullshit is a waste of my time)
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. (Don't really care what others think of my actions, but some approval wouldn't hurt.)
Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot!
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. (Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness... nothing unusual.)

Your Blog Should Be Purple (Purple is gay, what are you saying?)
You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything.
You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey.
You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say. (What do you expect? I'm the only writer!)

Your Blogging Type is Logical and Principled
You like to voice your well thought out opinions on your blog.
And if someone doesn't [like] what you write, you really don't care!
Serious and blunt, sometimes people take your blog the wrong way. (Get a tissue, Pussy)
But you're a true and loyal friend to those who truly get you.

You Are an Indie Rocker!
You are in it for the love of the music...
And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label.
You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success. (The best bands are ones you have never heard of.)
You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career. (Yes and no... there is no such thing as free will.)

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick
You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! (Not the way I expected, and I wouldn't dare go back in time to "fix" it)
Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite Your local forecast has a chance of doom!
The Weather Channel has been airing promos for weeks now about the top 10 ways weather could totally school the United States, doing irreparable damage to our economy and whatnot. I find it hilarious that if this show is to warn us of potential disasters that would sink us into the Dark Ages, they call the show It Could Happen Tomorrow. Well if it could happen tomorrow, don't you think you tell everyone today, before these disasters take place? I don't want to know that I'll be totally fucked if an earthquake hits the Midwest and I might be planning a trip to Kentucky. I heard their grass is blue over there. Worth a look. I'll get some KFC coleslaw straight from the source while I'm visiting.

Where is the Midwest anyway? Everyone has a different definition for which states are part of the Midwest.

I assume most of the hypothetical disasters they'll be covering will be similar (if not a complete rip-off) of this LiveScience article that has been out for... oh I don't know... several months. It's all puppet shows and candy canes today.
I don't have a cynical rant today, which is unfortunate, because I feel I was on a good roll. Nope. Don't get me wrong, I have utter disgust and contempt for every living person (probably some dead ones, too), but... I'll share some links instead.

* Expecting to have a shitty year? This calendar is for you.

* Legos are getting pretty nutty. I bet those aren't gonna be cheap.

* Monopoly House Rules. I play the game the way it was meant to be played, but I didn't know of any house rules besides that Free Parking jackpot thing people like to play by. You know, because they can't manage their money properly and find themselves in bankruptcy so fast.

* Firemen have to call the fire department. I'm not exactly sure how that works.

* The Ladder Theory: a must-read so you can understand every relationship you have with people of the opposite sex. Note to self: get rich quick and start beating women. They love that shit.

* Make your own chocolate penis! Women who want a copy of mine are clearly going to need at least two of these kits, though I suggest sampling the original as a fiscally responsible alternative. (I'm so smooth!)

* Penis size varies by country. Clearly the French are the biggest dicks in the world. And in case you're wondering when she says, "You're so big" if she's telling the truth or just not hurting your feelings, well, now you may have a better idea if you read that article. Happy birthday to me.
Yay me.

Not much happened today, but then again, what is there to do for someone who turned 27 on a Wednesday?

My birthday generally goes uncelebrated or lightly celebrated. The last couple years have involved quiet gatherings with the immediate family, though a friend of mine last year did the unthinkable and took me out on a cold and snow flurry-filled Tuesday night. Aside from maybe the last two or three years, I don't really think I've had any sort of party on my birthday over the past decade. Oh, and on my 21st (I still have the "gifts," roomies :)). So I don't really expect anything to happen when I turn another year older -- hell, I don't feel any different -- but it usually bums me out that no one outside of family notices that my birthday occurred. I'm very good with remembering birthdays of friends and other details, and I try and make an effort to at least email people when their day comes (though admittedly, I don't know all of your birthdays. Tell me.). Hell, I still email "happy birthday" to acquaintances I've only hung out with for like two summers and I haven't seen in nearly ten years. Yet there are people I've known for 20+ years that apparently don't know when my birthday is. I always remember theirs; it'd be nice for them to return the favor. My basic low-level expectations for others are obviously unrealistic. And people wonder why I have trouble relying on others. Stupid little shit like that is really really huge to me. Remember details.

But anyway, I guess this is supposed to be a day of joy and awesomeness, so I should stop taking my bitter pills.

Kudos to my cousin Elise for calling me at work. That's a first, and it was pretty cool.

Can't really do anything tonight, so I suppose I'll buy some vodka and cranberry juice and throw myself a party once Friday gets here. Woo. Tuesday Funnies

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything: the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Yay tastelessness. My whole life is a lie.
Or feels like one.

In our cafeteria, they serve London broil at the carving station twice a week. I don't know why they serve it so much, but I'm guessing we bought one too many truckloads before the weekly movement forecast took a dive, and now we're stuck with eating it all. I also think Rocky is out back in the freezer, tenderizing the meat with his fists in order to get ready for his next movie.

Some time during my day off, my former manager's office was swapped with another guy. I don't know who this guy is, nor does he have anything to do with my department. I guess he must work with advertising, because he had a few posters of ads up in his new office. One was of London Broil, $2.99 a pound.

Now judging by how they serve the meat in the cafeteria -- a huge slab of cooked meat on a cutting block -- I would have thought that London broil would cost more than bologna. After all, we used to have pizza and double cheeseburger days in the cafeteria, but the owner of the company thought that was too "low class" or something so now we get to have London broil all the time. But if London broil is so damn cheap, why can't I have my burgers and curly fries back? :(

Maybe we get the "good" London broil, whereas we sell the shit to places like Shaw's. That's what they get for having stupid-ass membership cards!

But still, it was very disenchanting when I saw that $2.99 a pound ad up on display.

Hey Chris: the fancy foods I've never heard of were "arugula" and "boursin." There's another new fancy food this week: focaccia. I guess they're trying to expand my horizons, though I'd take a slab of Mommy's spanakopita over anything any day. Mmm... Don't mind me. Just stroking my ego.
At my part time gig, employees can log into one of many computer terminals and gain access to a wealth of information about the company, products, get forms and applications, and how to do various tasks. There is also a "tips" section that anyone can write and have all other store employees across America to read. I read one such tip this weekend, and though I can't quote it word for word, I'll put it in quotes and in one of my fancy quote boxes anyway:

"We here at [the store Jerome worked two weeks of overnight shifts at] have one of the best [merchandising/inventory] teams in the country."

I gotta stop right there.

I remember working with those geniuses, and despite the 60+ minute commute, they were sending those people home before me. Why? Because we (me and this other guy from my store) were way better than them. I remember going in there and being ashamed of their overstock stacking jobs, their product placement setups, their feeble attempts at making the store look "full," and their inability to put or keep like product together. We spent most of our days correcting it all, then doing the updated product displays people have been working on all night and finishing them in a couple hours.

I don't know who they hired in the last six months, or maybe they think they are the only store in the country, but they were clearly an inferior crew to the "A-Team" my store once possessed a year ago. Here's a free tip: you gotta spin every other TV box 180 degrees when they are stacked 12 feet above the floor so you don't have a Leaning Tower of Pisa effect. If one falls, enjoy the lawsuit.

"Did you know that when unloading product from a truck, it gets touched 5-6 times before it reaches the shelf?"

Funny that your "tip" happens to be a piece of trivia, and a piece of trivia that was actually printed in the training manual when the whole distribution truck unloading process was changed almost two years ago. It doesn't exactly take an RPI grad to count on one hand.

On a similar-but-not-really-similar note, people at my work (both jobs) seem envious of my $20 mp3 player. It was a closeout model that was once $219 and it just tanked to $20 one day. Being the first ones there each Sunday morning at my part time gig (when all the price signs are updated to reflect the latest ad), we were privy to finding and acquiring such awesome deals first. The guy who noticed the price drop got the last unopened box and I bought the display model. People look at it and say that mine is "too big," (insert your own sex joke here) but I'd rather pay $20 for 30 GB of songs than $249 for a mere 4 GB Nano. It's still a hell of a lot smaller than a CD player, so what difference does it make? Jealous. "...my people, they are dying and you talk about coupons?"
Grocery stores piss me off. I don't like the idea behind their "membership cards," which will save you 20 cents on that tub of cream cheese you're buying and maybe $3.46 by the time you pay for everything. Big deal. If the card is free, then you might as well just give me the discount without me having to fill out a form to get it. I have enough things in my wallet and key chain. I don't need another piece of plastic that could be used for identity theft.

I'm not really convinced that it's even a market share or frequent customer thing (though I'm sure that's a big part of their reasoning), because I could (in theory) get one of these cards for all of the supermarket chains in the area. What incentive would I have to shop at one grocery store over another? None. In a pinch, I'm gonna go to the closest grocery or convenience store I can find. No sense in wasting $1 in fuel and 15 minutes of time for 30 cents off my box of pasta. The water is already boiling.

And if the reasoning for their existence is to gather customer data so they can plan future store locations or whatever, they might as well just ask me for my phone number at the register like they do at the department stores. Though I think I'm going to stop doing that, too. I've never had coupons mailed to me like they said I would get if I give them my number. Fuck you. But anyway, these stores never say what they're doing with your data or if they would sell it to interested third parties. I also wouldn't want to accidentally leave my card at the crime scene the next time I murder a man, because I won't be able to get away with it. Not as easily, anyway.

In short, I'll pay you to stop trying to data mine me. Jerk. Yippee.
I took today off work because... well... I could. Because Christmas and New Year's fell on the weekend, I'm allowed to take two days off within 30 days of each respective holiday. So I took today off to get my car registered and inspected. And there went most of my paycheck this week. I needed new front tires ($75 a pop), and it's advised that I get an alignment. If I, in fact, need an alignment, it's probably because of something Hillsboro Ford did when they fixed my car, or perhaps it didn't get done when I got into my fender bender last winter. Damnit. That'll have to wait a while, 'cause I'm not going to that dealership.

I also took some time to see my bestest friend in the whole wide world. :) I don't get to see her much. (Yeah, that's right, a best friend whose sex is opposite my own. It is possible!) Didn't really accomplish much, but that's ok. I'll take a couple hours of running errands together than nothing at all. I found it quite amusing that the fortune cookies we got at the Chinese buffet place we went to were a little too dead on:

Mine read "You will be successful in your career." On the back, it said how to say "birthday" in Chinese. Funny, because I don't really have a point to my life other than working (so I better be good at it), and this buffet gathering was an early birthday celebration of sorts.

Her fortune is one I'm not gonna write but I really hope comes true. The Chinese word on the back was "telephone," which is kinda funny cause she never calls or writes me back (sniff sniff), and I don't particularly like using mine. Lucky numbers included my birthday and her birthday.

No real plans tomorrow. I suppose I'll cash in my latest paycheck to make up for the hundreds I've spent today. Haven't seen my sweet little teller girl in a couple months, which kinda makes me sad. I liked the excitement she appeared to have for seeing me. I hope she didn't quit or get fired. Otherwise, I might as well enroll in direct deposit.

Gotta mail off my eBay shit that people have paid me for.

Unless something better comes along, I'll probably degut my computer and install this new huge-ass CPU fan I bought a while ago. Supposedly, it's one of the best cooling fans around, and it's silent! While performance is important in a computer and a lot of enthusiasts try to overclock their systems so they run faster and better, I'm way more interested in having mine run as quietly as possible. Computers are too loud nowadays. They sounds like jet airplanes when turned on. I don't want to know mine is on. So that should be a fun project. I might take pictures of it -- the thing is fucking huge -- but you can get a good idea by scrolling halfway down this page. It's huge. And they even make a bigger size!

Then I'll probably make up some sleep. I've been tired all day. Yawn. Buy my shit!
I'm selling stuff on eBay. Buy something!

I also have a USB gamepad controller I didn't bother to auction off. You want it? It's yours for the cost of shipping. Works fine, I just have a newer, more badass gamepad now. Some specs if you care.

Update: Looks like the pricey crap is gone. I love that "Buy It Now" feature. :) Tuesday Funnies
Things to do while your coworkers are on vacation:

Make a note of that
Handle with care
Sprouts
More sprouts
Keyboard trays are for sissies
Today's news
Lock in the freshness

Bonus: this blonde joke is pretty funny! NYEF!

Jon: did you have fun nye?
Me: nye?
Jon: new years eve fucko
Jon: nyef
Me: heh
Me: not that much since i had to be up at 5

[...]

Jon: http://quiz.myyearbook.com/zenhex/quiz.php?id=11187
Jon: New England (MA ME VT RI NH CT)
You are WICKED good, WICKED cold and you WICKED hate the yankees!!!
Me: heehee
Me: Your Results:
Montana
Your boring, you eat mushrooms out of cow poop and then tip the cow. Get a fucking life and move.
Jon: hahahhahaahahahahahahahahahah
Jon: you eat pieces of shit for breakfast
Me: just the shrooms in the shit

Sorry, try again later.
Like with alcohol or something.

Some people are quite clingy to and/or flirtatious with me. Unfortunately, it's usually people that I don't want anything to do with. As flattering as it may be for a woman to tell me she'll get naked if I come over, it would be so much better if I didn't find her completely repulsive. Not only is she physically unappealing to me, but I'm not remotely interested in those that think they are "Ms. Thang."

On a similar note, ugly couples that are also poor should not be telling me that they are thinking of having children. Relying on welfare sucks, and I don't want you pissing in the gene pool. OK? Thanks. Facts about my fantasy football leagues
* My trash-talking manager can't win in the first week of the playoffs.
* I always make it to the semifinals (regardless of sport).
* If you're drunk on draft day, you'll make the finals (proven correct two years in a row!).
* Teams that drafted horribly and start the season strong will falter in the end.
* It's not as much fun to talk shit when you can't see the person you played the following morning. :(
* Week 17 is the most pointless week of fantasy football, but people insist on playing it anyway. Even in a keeper league.
* If you need your Monday night players to perform, they won't do shit.
* People that have to draft every Patriots (or home team) player are dead money.
* If you command two teams, neither team will make the playoffs even if you cheat by swapping players between your own teams.
* I'm $100 richer this year. Woo!