Tuesday Funnies

In Dallas, TX, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini-skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic, and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

We don't need no water
Work has been interesting the last couple days. On Friday, someone's car caught fire and it had six-foot flames shooting up from the engine. It wasn't clear what caused the car to burst into flames, but when I pulled into the parking lot that morning, a fire engine was there dousing the car. I and a couple others checked out the remains some time that morning for a quick breather, pretending we were CSI agents or some shit. The engine was totally done, and the dashboard and front seats were nicely charred. Good thing the driver wasn't driving the car at the time, though one would think this sort of thing would happen when the car was in motion. Wish I had my camera handy.

Today was interesting because of a catastrophe in the break room. The break room is a small 5' by 5' room with a sink, a fridge, a mini fridge, a microwave, and not much else. The fridge there is supposed to be cleaned out weekly, but it hasn't been done in months. You could smell it with the door closed. It was disgusting. Science experiments have been growing in there for weeks, and today there was an upside-down half-gallon of orange juice without its cap on one of the shelves. Not sure why, but needless to say, a lot of the orange juice didn't stay in the half-gallon container. It was fucking disgusting. It's bad enough that this one fridge serves most of the 300-person crew that works where I work, and for it to be treated like shit is unacceptable. I wanted to take a pic of it tomorrow, but someone took initiative and cleaned it all out, throwing away everything that was in that fridge. It's a little known secret that there's another full-size fridge in the mail room, but that's really far away and no one uses it. I kept my shit there today.

I'm hoping tomorrow that maybe the Kool-Aid Man will burst through the wall or something equally nuts. I'll bring my camera just in case. Survey Says...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||| 26% Stability |||||||||||||||| 63% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Accommodation |||||||||||| 50% Interdependence |||| 16% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical |||||| 30% Artistic || 10% Religious |||||||||||| 43% Hedonism |||||||||| 36% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||| 30% Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43% Conflict seeking |||||| 23% Need to dominate |||||||||| 36% Romantic |||||||||||| 43% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||||||||||| 43% Dependency |||||||||||| 50% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||| 30% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 70% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50% Female cliche |||||| 30%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test at similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot:
secretive, organized, clean, rarely worries, solitary, high self control, dislikes large parties, prefers organized to unpredictable, prudent, observer, tough, self reliant, very good at saving money, introverted, perfectionist, mind over heart, not controlling of others, hard working, confident, resolute, solitary, does not make friends easily, finisher, does not like to stand out, very practical, intellectual, unsympathetic at times, honest, respects authority, follows the rules, cautious

You be the judge.

I never considered myself histrionic, but that's probably because I didn't know what "histrionic" meant. Even still, I don't know why I scored so high there. I love love love recognition, but I don't make any efforts to get it from others. I have gotten much more pompous over the last 12 months, though.

Though I'm not preoccupied with death nor do I give a damn what others think of me, I am awfully paranoid. :) Nothing to see here. Move along.
Haven't really had anything to write. Not much going on. Yet strangely, I don't have much time to write. By the time I get all of my shit together, I have roughly an hour to an hour-and-a-half to twiddle my thumbs. That time I usually spend surfing the web for God knows what, harassing friends online, or playing a game. Then the cycle repeats.

Actually, if you want a rundown of my oh-so-exciting life, it goes something like this each day:

-- I wake up about 6:00 using my cell phone as an alarm clock. I then hit "snooze" like two or three times and get up around 6:20 or so. I'm not entirely sure why I do this, because throughout my life, I always used a normal alarm clock and got up without hitting the snooze button. I kinda had to, or else I wasn't going to work or I'd be late for school or I would run into conflicts with my college roommates' schedules. Now, I keep the same wake-up time I did as if I lived 30 minutes away. I guess some days I like to be there early, but most of the times I just snooze for another 20-30 minutes. And I even brought my alarm clock with me. It's plugged in, but I don't use it. It's too far away for me to hit the snooze button. :) Might as well keep it at home. Or set it to 6:30.

-- I do my typical morning stuff, including breakfast (90% of the time it's cereal. Love it. ), which I somehow manage to complete 10-15 minutes faster than I ever have in college or living at home. Not sure why that is, but I think it mostly lies with my shower. The shower in my apartment heats up in under five seconds, and it has awesome pressure. I'm in, I'm out, I'm on with life. Woo.

-- I go to work from about 7:30-4:30. Sometimes I'm there earlier. Sometimes I stay later. I get overtime every week. Bring it.

-- I go home, where I usually dick around until I'm hungry. Take a nap, pay bills, put away dishes, walk around outside, run some errands, do some online stuff, whatever.

-- Eventually, it's feeding time. Then cleaning time.

-- Then I'm left to my lonesome for a while until it's time to go to bed. The bulk of my onliney goodness comes then. And with my recent progress in getting in touch with people that might have forgotten about me, it's not as lonely and pathetic as one would think. Kinda sucks when no one is around to chat with, but I have enough little side projects to help kill time until I have to go to sleep.

Saturday is probably my roughest day to get through, which is also my only day off each week. I go home late in the afternoon to get ready for work Sunday morning, but until it warms up enough for me to do some geocaching, I tend to lose what sanity I have in the morning. I don't know anyone around here, so I can't hang out with anybody. And the only people to invite me over for fun times live three hours away. Not really worth the trip if I gotta be in Concord the following morning. I hate Saturdays. Nothing to do. Kinda miss the overtime shifts I used to get during the holiday season. Sigh.

As you can tell, my life doesn't have any high adventure associated with it. My moments of awesomess or my latest rant typically involve other people. Kinda hard to pull that off outside of work lately. Though I could write about my randomness I do at work, they're almost always "you had to be there" scenarios. And I bet you want to read about me getting shampoo in my eyes as much as I enjoy having it happen. That's about as exciting it gets over here at Camp Grondin for the time being. Can't wait for something cool to come along. In case it's quiet here, it's because I'm dead.

Me: cooking chicken at my apartment is weird because of the lighting
Me: the lights kinda give off a yellow hue
Me: instead of being a clean white
Me: so i can't tell if my meat is still pink or whatever
Ray: LOL
Me: so if i'm not online tomorrow, i probably died from somanella
Ray: cool, can I get your computer. ;)
Me: hehe

Tuesday Funnies

Tongue Twister
----------------------------

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this clerk with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.' So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'Thanks for ruining my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

Ryan Newman sucks.
Apparently the Nascar season has started today. I didn't think Daytona would have been this soon. I would have thought I'd have another week to get my shit together and win some more money, but it looks like I missed the boat this year and I won't be able to partake in any of the trash talking that goes on between my fellow colleagues at my place of part-time employment. Damn.

I'm not a fan of Nascar -- well, I used to be back in like middle school -- but having the fantasy Nascar league was a cheap bonding experience for me. It's not necessarily male bonding, either, for we have had a few ladies mixed into the ranks the last couple years. They're not good at talking trash, though, whereas I love to do it if I'm fielding a team that's good enough to back up my semi-bogus claims. :) It's a good time killer. And I need all of the time killers I can get. :p

I'm kinda bummed out that I was too late to sign up, but with no TV, I don't believe I can play competitively anyway. After working on Sundays, I'd go home or to a friend's and tune on the race and keep tabs on what's going on with the drivers. And if I'm home, I fall asleep halfway through the race because seriously, what's so exciting about cars driving around in circles? :) I do it for the money and the swooning of the women (assuming they're not busy fawning over Dale Jr.). After all, chicks dig dudes with fantasy Nascar winnings.

Nascar.com does have a "Pit Command" feature, though, which may prove useful for strategists. But if I can't actually see the race, what's the point? Radio is gay. I got my first apartment care package on Friday.
And I find it amazingly adorable that she actually noticed what I had and what I still needed.

And no, it wasn't from my mother. T'was the same friend who was willing to make the 4+ hour trip to help me move. Ah, the pimp hand... ;)

I was surprised by the size and weight of the box, and I couldn't have guessed what was inside. I find it pretty neat that since I took my last pictures, I did go out and buy a couple knick-knacks, but the not the things that ended up being mailed me. Perhaps there's some sort of psychic connection between her and me? Hmm... Freaky.

I ended up getting things like a calendar, sugar, coasters that match my kitchen table, a small basket, blank recipe cards, and a bunch of other things I probably would not have thought to get myself. Makes my kitchen look a little more inviting. It was quite awesome.

Thank you, Courtney. You're a superstar. I like cartography.
I haven't fully figured out if I happen to live in a good or bad part of town yet. Through my explorations, it doesn't seem to take long to go from "nice area" to "rundown area." Main Street is nice and quaint, for example, but some of the lesser known streets coming off of Main Street look like they should send a wrecking crew through there and start from scratch again. There are some old (what I would guess would be) factory buildings that look pretty crappy from the outside, but it looks like some of the floors inside are quite nice and are being used for various professional services. Some homes look like they should be (are?) evicted, but that might be a result of the flooding back in October.

It also doesn't seem to take long until you know you're in a college area or a middle-aged area. Houses with people sitting in chairs on the roofs remind me of my college days, and there are a slew of bars and pizza places within walking distance. But then there are some really nice family homes and offices within a stone's throw of them. It's also weird to see these little brick-and-mortar shops, as tiny as they are, being right next to some huge monolithic buildings I assume belonging to Keene State College. Something seems out of place here.

I also don't like doors that say "ring door for delivery" but there's no sign nearby to indicate what exactly they supply, or what bar or restaurant you are at.

I've also come to the conclusion that it's not worth driving to anywhere on Main Street. Park far away and walk. The traffic is fucking nuts, even on a Thursday night. From the crazy rotary with traffic lights around it to the lack of four-lane driving to the street parking to the random one-way streets that -- for whatever reason -- can take two lanes of traffic but have a double yellow line down the middle, Keene is in dire need of traffic solutions. The townspeople were totally unprepared for the growth they have experienced in the last 15 years, and I bet they wish they didn't vote down some of the solutions before it was too late. Four more weeks until spring!
And I can't be more excited!

Although this winter has been pretty mild anyway.

I like it when the temperature drops to 40 degrees after summer and people are complaining about how cold it is. And if we have a random day in February that reaches 40, everyone wants to throw on a pair of shorts and play some Frisbee.

It's actually 57 degrees right now, which is fucking nuts. The Weather Channel has been telling me that it was gonna be 20 degrees for this half of the week every day for the past 10 days. Buncha liars they are. If I knew any better, I would have gotten myself ready to do a quick cache this afternoon. Oh well. I'll probably hit some up this weekend anyway.

Now if it was only 40+ degrees indoors where I work... Ah, Valentine's Day.
Yeah, that pretty much sums up my thoughts about it.

Didn't get anything personally this year, though that's no different than any other year. It's a chick holiday anyway.

Two years ago, I bought chocolates for six lucky ladies because I am such a pimp. Actually, two of them told me to get them some, and they told two other people. I didn't really mind -- they were cool and all -- but I figure if I was buying for these four, there were two others I thought much more highly of, and if these four were getting something, two others deserve at least ten times as much. Though I wasn't looking to court any of them (women require time and money, and at the time, I had neither), it was neat to see how much a simple box of chocolates could more solidify existing work and friendly relationships in the following months, particularly with the ones that didn't tell me to buy them anything. One woman was so close to crying, I was surprised yet touched.

Last year, I bought for three of the six (the other three left my store because of their fear of their love for me), but only could deliver two of them.

This year, I bought for no one, which is a damn shame. I've somehow managed to lose contact with all of my ladies from my now-part-time work. Sure, a couple of them have the information necessary to call or email me or whatever, but I'll be damned if I can get a response. :(

I guess I could try the same thing at my new-full-time place of work, but it's a much different atmosphere there. Most people there are career-oriented, not love-starved twits (though one of them has proclaimed their love for me already). And the vast majority of them are taken/married, though that didn't stop me the last couple years. :) Hmm. My pimp hand is weakening. Need to do something about that...

Happy Valentine's Day to the ladies who read this site. (Call me?) Tuesday Funnies

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary.
============

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no Long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4-inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, Master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and:

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN... That hurt like heck! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there?

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

And... I'm spent.
Since Valentine's Day is right around the corner, I guess the Food Network had to air nothing but chocolate recipes, chocolate-related art, chocolate-related trips, pretty much all things chocolate. Of course they had to air nothing but chocolate-based commercials about their chocolate-based shows. They kept using the phrase "indulge in your chocolate fantasies," but after watching a couple of these chocolate shows (hey, my mom's a chef so it's either that or HGTV), I can't say that I blew a big chocolately load of epic proportions. I was quite disappointed, in fact. Maybe it was because I was hoping they would show my only chocolate fantasy: someone fucking a peanut butter cup. Come on, you know you've wanted to! How do you eat your Reese's?

The day that VH1 doesn't air a top 20 list of some sort is the day that the wrath of God falls upon us, hopefully in some sort of chocolately smiting. Saturday night, they air(ed) a top 20 "web junk" thing, which is pretty much just short video clips commonly found on the internet. I don't know how you take 20 short clips and turn it into an hour-long show, but it was quite amusing to watch, even though I've seen some of the clips they aired years ago. That's VH1 for ya though: always behind the times.

Snow is stupid, and I was hoping I wouldn't have to shovel again if I lived in Keene. That doesn't help me when I go home for the weekend and it snows then. Oh well. It's a fair trade for the free homemade food I expect my mom to dump onto me each weekend.

I scored a $75 card from a $3 pack of cards. Hello eBay! Should make up for the fact that I dumped $110 to complete a set of cards a month ago, but have yet to receive the cards. Son of a bitch. I think the post office lost them as opposed to me being ripped off, though. I wonder if the package was insured...

I cut my finger on a can of Sprite the other day. Yeah, you're jealous. Yup.
Not much happening the last couple days. Somehow I managed to stave off boredom. I'm not sure what big plans may await me this weekend, but I'm sure they will be as cool and awesome as I am.

I've had a few links stored up for a long long time, and I don't know if I should bother posting them because of how the Internet works: if it's been reported on, it's considered "old news" within two or three days. So I won't. Shame on me for not flooding the masses sooner.

My apartment is colder than Howard Stern's studio. What's weird is that it feels really hot when I walk into the place. The hallway is freezing, and they run the air conditioner in the winter at work. So though 62 degrees is colder than your typical house, it feels like a sauna at times because of the conditions around me. It's winter, so I'm wearing flannels, which kinda offsets the need for heat. It is warm in spots, but because I have high ceilings, it doesn't take long for it to get cold again after the furnace kicks off. Funny how I can deal with this here yet I was shivering like a little wuss if it was less than 68 degrees at my mother's. Hmm.

Speaking of the cold, the Winter Olympics start today. I don't really care for any of it, though I do remember being intrigued by the sport of curling last time I watched it. Those bitches sure know how to sweep! Wednesday Funnies
Can't really fault me for no internet yesterday.

5 LEVELS OF A HANGOVER

One-Star Hangover (*)

No Pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.

Two-Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three-Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.

Four-Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five-Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping our of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare "floater" thrown in. The sole purpose of this "floater" seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing tonight.
Sorry, I'm being such a jackass.

Too much information on those higher level hangovers.

Good thing I never get headaches. Hello, World!
Got the cable guy to come in and install shit this morning. Even with my main medium for contacting the outside world finally restored, I'm not really finding anything to do. There's no one to talk to online at the moment. Ho hum. :(

It was kinda funny when the subcontractor came and tested out my connection. He ran a couple tests, but then he loaded up websites that were listed in the pull-down menu you get when you click on the arrow to the right of where you type in the URL. In other words, he was loading cached pages. I don't even have to be on the internet to load cached pages. So it was a pretty pathetic display of speed. Don't get it me wrong, it was very fast. But the reason it was fast had nothing to do with the internet connection.

But yeah. I don't really have anything to visit. I checked out a couple friends' sites to see if they've done anything with their lives, then I balanced my checkbook online, got the latest weather forecasts, and now here I am. Yawn.

I'm not sure what's in my agenda for tonight, but I suspect I'll be doing some more walking outdoors and just "keeping it real," as the cool kids say. Since I had no 'net access yesterday, I'll have to do some make-up work in regards to the "Tuesday Funnies." Yeah. I'll get right on that.

There are some new (yet "older") posts below, but they merely describe my days without the internet. If you don't feel like reading them, here it is in a nutshell: I miss my people, I'm not in touch with many, and Keene has a lot to offer if one is willing to explore it. Day 3
I was not remotely as pathetic Tuesday as I was on Sunday or Monday. Perhaps the whole "missing others" thing has passed. I remember feeling similar when I started my college life. Though I still would like phone calls or emails, I decided to be more pissed off as opposed to sad today.

There was a changing of the guards today, as I was thrown into the fires that is analyzing offers for the our biggest and most profitable division. My successor is not ready to take over my legacy, but he was sick all of last week and that fucked up a lot of time tables. But they let him attempt to run the second division as best as he could. Since this was my first day running the big division by myself, I was moving pretty slowly with the work I had to do. That's to be expected. But the problem is that the other analysts were helping the new guy with my former division. Granted, the new guy isn't ready to go solo, but the other analysts aren't good at their job. I worked long and hard to maintain the pricing I have (and I'm a hard-ass when it comes to nickel and diming potential buys), and the other analysts seem to focus more on just putting orders together and filling cases than trying to maintain a price. It's our job to do both. So now there's a bunch of shit that was ordered with little regard for price. This makes things extremely tough for me, because if someone pays one price for something, you'll be very hard pressed to get the people we bought the product from to go down in price the next time we want to buy it. If we bought it at a higher price from them once before, there's no reason for them to lower the price. And if they are the only company that can get that product, well, I'm screwed.

I'm the best of those with my job title. A lot of people came to me when problems come up in regards to orders I have placed weeks ago. But since the new guy isn't up to speed, people are coming to me on these issues for both divisions. I don't have time for that. I'm already going through my new division's offers at a snail's pace until I'm familiar with the system, and now I get more work dumped onto me when there is no fucking reason those people can't figure out the answer themselves. That's bullshit. Keep in mind that these problems that occasionally pop up aren't even part of my job description. I don't mind lending a hand, but it shouldn't be assumed that I'm gonna do it. It'd be one thing if it came from people higher up the corporate ladder than me, but these "chores" are coming from people at my level. Fuck that. Learn to read the screen in front of you. I got my own shit to worry about. And when I give you an answer you don't like, don't try to have a shoving contest with me, because I ain't negotiating shit. You're better off going over my head. I'm not paid to sort out your shit.

So yeah. I was getting pissy, but I wasn't so filled with righteous anger to blow up on anyone. It's a fun time when that happens, let me tell you.

Called the cable company about the internet promos. They didn't ask me any questions about it and hooked me up with the deals. I guess they were just trying to screw me out of 120 bucks. Asses.

I didn't really accomplish much at home. Trying to figure out what to do with my living room. My walls are pretty boring too, and I would like to get some photos of "my peoples" or maybe some art up. I think an autographed Chuck Norris portrait would look great on the far wall.

I went for a walk to acquaint myself with my surroundings. Plus I had a bill to pay. I didn't really stray too far from my apartment, because without Google Maps to guide me along, I'd probably get lost. I walked to the center of town and peered into the quaint little shops and restaurants they have around the circle. The buildings are so small! A classy restaurant should have more than eight round tables in it, and a barber shop with enough room for three chairs makes my apartment feel like a mansion. Definitely worth taking pictures of. Keene has a nice mix of being small and old-fashioned as well as being a college town. Bars are often filled with people in their early 20's and people in their 40's, with very people between those age brackets.

I wanted to watch the traffic flow around the circle, but it was far too cold for me to stand in one place. So I opted to look around some more and walk down my street up to the point where some guy stabbed his woman. Keene has no history of crime, so they should treat that house like a landmark or something.

I see myself doing a lot more walking around once the internet works again and it gets a bit warmer. I'm looking forward to geocaching around town and seeing neat little locations. Day 2
Monday was a little rough after I got out of work. I didn't really have anything to do. That morning, I got up "early" (also known as my normal wake up time, but since I'm living in Keene, I can afford to sleep in 20-30 minutes) and put my clothes and food away. When I was out of work, I just had my computer sitting on the floor and some random crap like my alarm clock, pens and paper, etc to put away. I installed my water filter onto my kitchen faucet, which turned out to be a lot more work than necessary. I think I'm gonna have to return it, because water leaks at the base of the faucet now. I was hoping to spend a lot of time gutting out my computer and installing that huge-ass fan I bought for it months ago, but I don't have any rubbing alcohol and I left my thermal paste at home, so that wasn't going to happen.

I was hoping to have internet tonight, but calling Time Warner left me with no options sooner than Wednesday morning. They also quoted me at $44.95 a month plus an installation fee (and no, I couldn't self-install it to my chagrin), yet on their web site, they have promos running where the installation is free and it's 20 bucks cheaper for the first 6 months. Though I couldn't verify this, I went to one of the local electronics stores to see if they had any broadband deals, and if I signed up through the store, I could get those discounts. Unfortunately, I went into that store as one of five customers, and I couldn't find an associate to talk to. I was there for 20 minutes and I didn't even get a glance from an employee, let alone a "hello" or a nod from someone stocking the shelves. I took a brochure and left. I probably could have gotten away with stealing if I wanted to be deviant.

It was neat to see that they use the exact same security tools that my part-time work uses. Exact same wraps. Exact same cases. I used to plead with management to get a set of sensormatic panels (the things that beep at the enter and exit doors) in the hallway leading to the bathroom. Too expensive to implement. It was kinda funny to see that the store I went into tonight had a set in the bathroom hallway. Hmm.

Tonight also sucked because as of right now, I have no one to talk to. I don't know any of my neighbors, and I suspect most of them are middle-aged men. There's a child (presumably with parents) on one of the higher floors. No one around my age that I've found thus far. I wouldn't mind hanging out with most of my coworkers outside of work, but they all have their own families to take care of or a second job to go to. I'm within walking distance to most of the popular watering holes in town, but no one is going drinking on a Monday night. Even if they were and I went, I'm not the type to strike up a conversation with any strangers. Drinking alone at three bucks a beer is gay. At least give me a friend to waste my money with.

I really really was hoping someone -- anyone -- would call my cell to see how I've been. My mom called. That helped break up the monotony. I need more phone calls if I'm going to avoid going crazy. It's funny that though I considered myself alone living at home, I wasn't going crazy then. Of course, I had the internet then and was allowed to use my vocal cords. I don't have one and there's no point in using the other right now. :( Day 1
I moved into my place on Sunday.

Sunday was fairly hectic, as I had to buy a bunch of food and get a second set of the things I use each and every day. I also had my clothes, computer, and all of my small knick-knacks to pack up. Plus I had to work that morning. It was awesome. I didn't really have any spare time to fuck around (though I attempted to nap for 20 minutes anyway) or anyone to help me move shit. It was Superbowl Sunday, and I had places to be that night, too. When I finally got to Keene, I threw everything into my barren living room and put away just my frozen and dairy foods into the fridge. I didn't have time for dinner. I had to bank on Superbowl food, which was disappointingly lacking. I had to settle with getting as many calories as possible through peanuts and beer. Yum.

Leaving home wasn't a tear-jerking experience. I never really felt that I lived with family then, since everyone had their own thing going on and I didn't play an important part in anyone's lives. I was just there. I did my own thing in peace and quiet. What was surprising is that I was severely missing friends that I didn't have a chance to talk to (or in some cases for unknown reasons, won't talk to me) before I made my move. I wanted to share my glee with them, have a drink, give them my address, invite them over and whatnot. I was also missing people I haven't hung out with in years, even decades. It was quite a pitiful sight. Updated pics of my place
If you haven't looked at the pics in the post below this one, I suggest you do so first. Those shots are "before." The ones here are "after."

Mom and I whooped some ass in my place tonight:

* My bedroom. Clearly from the darkness you can tell this is where I practice my various pagan arts and incantations. You can also see that the light switch is in the "off" position, which makes me wonder why the fuck I took a picture of an unlit room in the first place. Answer: because I'm stupid.
* My bathroom with a wild dolphin theme my mother wanted to go with. I'm not sure I like it much. Doesn't really look too gay, though. I can always change it later. After Mom leaves.
* My kitchen. Now with shelving! I don't have to keep my cookware inside the stove!
* My Italian restaurant, with matching curtain! I like it, though I need to get a cover for the seats that is either a solid color or matches the table. The floral design thing would raise some eyebrows when I have visitors.
* The corner area near the door and fridge. I'm not sure I need storage there, but it's there for the time being. There's just barely enough space for me to squeeze in a Shark-like powerless vaccuum.
* My living room. Barer then an eight-year-old's poontang. I'm in no rush to fill it though. It gives me plenty of space to practice running up the walls as if I was one of those Matrix guys. Pics of my place
From like, earlier in the week and stuff. Nothing fancy.

The walls of my place are actually more of a creamy yellowish color, not plaster white like the pics look.

* My kitchen from my living room. I have a bunch of places for shelving from all of the open space. I have to hide my cookware in my stove and my bathroom linens in the bottom drawer near the sink. It even came with free scuff marks under the door! I'm so excited!
* My sink area with a complete lack of countertop space. I'm getting shelving for small appliances and whatnot.
* The stove area, with the bathroom to the right and my uncentered microwave to the left. Figures I notice the crappy placement of such trivial things... crooked pictures on walls annoy me because I'm a perfectionistic bitch.
* My collection of spices from around the world. I don't use garlic powder on anything, though. I suppose I better start.
* My quaint living room with random desk furniture that will be going into the bedroom, located to the left. It ain't big, about 7 1/2 x 10 feet. Just enough room for like... nothing.
* Cable in the bedroom apparently comes through the window instead of a typical coax wall jack.

I'll probably have more pics tomorrow when most of the other stuff is moved in, shelving and all. I'm giddy with anticipation. I want that cup.

Me: http://www.mochahome.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=241
Ray: Oh fuck yes! That guy is a millionare
Me: heh
Me: indeed
Ray: Why can't I think of shit like that?
Me: yeah, no kidding
Ray: Fuckit. I'll just win the powerball
Me: lol
Ray: "OH....I won $100 million....AFTER TAXES....." CyA!
Ray: What would you do with that shit?\
Me: 2 chicks at the same time
Ray: That all?
Me: chicks [dig] guys with money
Me: so i figure i'd be set
Ray: Fuck with that money I'd find a way to transform myself into Chuck Norris so I can fuck three women in three time zones at the same time.
Me: ha
Ray: Roundhouse kick a whole state because I can
Me: use one chick as a condom and screw another chick
Ray: LOL

Chuck Norris meets Office Space, apparently. Velocity = distance / time
Tuesday sucked, but it was short. I was in bed by 7:30 and slept through the night. Too bad the extra sleep I got then was negated the night after when I was up at 3:15 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

I got a bed, desk, and some small stuff into my apartment after work on Wednesday. I also had to make some extra measurments for curtains and whatnot. I took a few pics of my shit in disarray (ok, the kitchen is neat), and I found my spare batteries and carrying case hiding behind my microwave, which is currently over my refridgerator. Why the hell I put it there, I do not know.

I was excited to see that I got mail in my new mailbox. Unfortunately, one was a "new account fee" bill from my gas company, which is fucking gay because they should have asked me for that money when I came by to drop off my deposit. I don't like writing checks. The other was some short local newspaper, and it wasn't addressed to me, but to "current resident." I'm gonna change my name to "Current Resident." Either that or "Randell Squillante." A lot of my spam in my piece-of-shit hotmail account addresses me by that name. That's funny, because I've never used that name for anything. Though I think if I get a grocery store card, that's the name I'm gonna use. I should check to see if any of that spam specifies where I supposedly live.

Got a bunch more crap today -- curtains, hooks, vacuum, etc -- and aside from some basic food and a second set of hygiene-related stuff (razor, toothbrush, comb, etc), I should be good to go once everything else gets moved in this weekend. My living room will be completely bare, so I may have to use that room for yoga or tai chi. Whatever.

Took some pics, but I'm frustrated with having to photoshop everything I take a picture of. It's a waste of time. So you'll have to wait (some more) until I do that. Patience is a virtue.

If you're bored, you can figure out how much force and at what angle it would take to hurl a gallon of water 108 feet with a maximum height of 17 feet. Assume no air resistance. A gallon of water weighs 8.33 pounds. It's important for me to know. Thanks.