"Is that a God damn?"
Tagged another four caches this afternoon, bringing my total to 56. I was originally aiming for 11 today, but since I got significantly wasted last night, I didn't get up as early as I once proposed. (Like I was gonna turn down an invite from two ladies... I'm trying to reestablish my pimp hand, after all!) Sometimes I like to fuck myself up. It's usually worth it. It's good to live within walking distance to all of the bars.

Anyway, I set out to do 11 in or around Winchendon, MA. I had my first out-of-state find today! Unfortunately, the bulk of the caches -- the original five caches that I wanted to find before upping the number to 11 -- were in Otter River State Forest. And the gates were closed. I didn't have the time to walk the extra miles. I found two caches en route to Otter River State Forest, and given how long it took me to find them, it was unrealistic for me to be able to make 11 finds. So I cut these ones from my itinerary.

There was also a pair of micros I wanted to find, but one was in a busy intersection. Not a viable find at noon time. The other was across the street from a lady who was raking her front yard. I didn't have the hours to "wait it out."

I may head back next weekend, hopefully a couple hours earlier. Hit the micros first, then explore the gated off forests. Maybe add some others to my route.

I found a gold geocoin in one cache. It's not real gold, obviously. It's kinda neat looking. I didn't take a pic because it's not recessed enough for one to make out anything. All trackable geocoins have a serial number grafted into them, and this one is one digit off from the numeric representation of my birthday. If only I was born a little sooner... If it was a perfect match, I'd be tempted to "muggle" it and keep it forever! :)

I do have a pic of a beaver dam from one of New England's eight wildflower sanctuaries. Those bastards sure keep busy. Get your frilly bloomers ready!
Just so you are aware, one week from now is No Pants Day. Plan accordingly. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
I took a two-hour nap this afternoon. I was surprised to have slept that long. It probably will mean I'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight. Great. But anyway, it's a good thing I woke up when I did, because five minutes later, Keene Police stopped by saying they had a warrant to search the premises. At first they were trying to talk to me, but it turns out that my neighbors across the hall were the ones in trouble. I guess that means my meth lab is still in business. (Just kidding! Don't bust me!)

Anyhoo, they were looking for the same guy responsible for triggering the smoke alarms last week. They searched his place and recovered some marijuana and shortly thereafter, my neighbor came home and they arrested him right then and there. Possession with intent to distribute. Supposedly not his first drug offense. I doubt his bail will be cheap, but I found it funny when his "friends" stopped by his apartment after he was taken away talk to his roommate and they were like, "I have 30 bucks. Will that bail him out?" Not quite, Sunshine.

I went inside his apartment this past weekend and it was half the size of my place! Yet he gets many visitors over every day. Now it all makes sense. Tuesday Funnies
Almost forgot!

A guy drives up to a farmhouse, and knocks on the door. You see, he's a wealthy man, and the farmer's daughters have reputations of being absolutely stunning.

The farmer answers, and the guy introduces himself. "You see, sir, I am a very rich man, but I am unmarried, and need a wife to bear my children and carry on my name. As your daughters have the reputation of being up to my standards, I'd like to marry one."

The farmer thinks, and says all right. Money's tight, and this guy seems nice enough. Handsome, too.

Farmer goes into the parlor, and gets his firstborn daughter. Brunette, 25, and an absolute knockout. The man and the brunette go out on a date, but the man comes back saddened. He tells the farmer that his daughters face, well, it's too angular, you see. Not so much as you'd notice, but enough.

Farmer goes, and gets his second daughter. 23, blonde, and even more beautiful than his firstborn. They go out, and the same result. She's a little cross-eyed. Not so much as you'd notice, you understand, but enough.

The farmer's getting frustrated. He goes and gets his last daughter. 21, redhead, and looks like she just stepped out of every man's fantasy. The wealthy man is starstruck. He must have her.

A dowry is agreed on, they wed, and two months later, she finds she's pregnant. When the child is born, it's the ugliest kid on earth. Cross-eyed, lumpy skull, weird birthmarks, the works. He doesn't even look like his father.

"How could this be," the man asked his father-in-law, the farmer. "He is handsome, his bride is beautiful, how could they have such a butt-ugly kid?"

The farmer grins, looks over, and says "Well, it's like this. When you married her, she was just a little bit pregnant. Not so much as you'd notice, but enough."

My old job is a funny place.
About two years ago, Something Bad^TM happened. The people up at the corporate level did a restructuring of labor for everyone at the retail store level. In order to have "more people available to assist customers," they essentially halved all supervisor and "assistant supervisor" positions and replaced them with part-time slots. While that might be true, it was mostly seen as a cost-cutting measure. Part-timers get no benefits. It almost meant lower payrolls because of the axing of most sub-management positions. It also meant that there was no hope of ever moving up in the company. It drove most of my better work friends away. With their departure, I didn't feel as inclined to stay, and though I was worthy of moving up in the company, it just wasn't going to happen without someone above me quitting.

Of course it was when I put in my two weeks' notice that the position I wanted would open up. By that point, it was too late. The promotion paid less than what me new job was paying me. Though I still would prefer to be in Concord, there are just so many advantages to my Keene job for me to seriously consider even coming back to Concord on a full-time basis.

Something Else Bad^TM happened a week ago. While most of the stores have been retooled and have been using the new business model, my store has yet to reach this phase. Therefore, the folks in corporate are going back to the old way. People are freaking out again. Manager positions are being cut, and while there are some changes with labor deployment in comparison to over two years ago, a lot of the supervisory and "assistant supervisor" roles are coming back. In reality, most people should relish in the change because it gives them hope of advancement. I can understand the managers freaking out, but the line level people have nothing to worry about.

What does this have to do with me? One of the supervisor positions that I was striving for two or so years ago is coming back, and some people want me to apply for it. While the "assistant supervisor" positions pay shit, the supervisor positions pay pretty well and can receive bonuses for meeting company goals. Though I'm not certain, I believe the starting rate is the same as what I'm making at my current full-time job. That puts me in an interesting predicament.

On one hand:
* I can work with my peeps again.
* I can move to Concord and hang out with my peeps.
* I can get bonuses each month.
* I can do physical work and/or break shit.

However:
* You don't need a degree to work in retail.
* Most of my "best friends" at work have left. :(
* I signed a one-year apartment lease in Keene.
* I'm up for my yearly review next month, so I may make more than a starting supervisor. (Though I'm sure I'm an exception and they would pay more to make me come back!)
* I'll probably be promoted to a salary position in a couple months at my current full-time job, which in turn has various bonuses each fiscal quarter.
* I'm way behind on the learning curve at my part-time job.
* It probably wouldn't be fair to the "assistant supervisor" of my department -- who probably deserves the job and shouldn't be snubbed by a once-a-week part-timer like myself -- though he did volunteer to step down if it meant me returning to full-time status last Spring.
* More responsibility and accountability.
* Crazy hours.
* I can't picture myself ever moving up to a management role. I think a supervisor of a department is as high as I would go.

So what's the verdict? Though I would love to live closer to Concord so I can see certain people, I don't think the pros outweigh the cons. And I really dig the normal hours and the fact that my fellow full-time employees have work ethics. Well, most of them, anyway. It does make me wonder which job will make me super rich quicker, but being rich isn't one of my "end goals" in life. Besides, there's a better ratio of women to men in Keene than in Concord. Much younger, too. :) Did you see the census thing in the post below? Good shit. Long time no links, huh?
There's a bunch of things I was thinking of writing about. Seriously, I could have put together three or more essays above various things. Only problem is, I forgot what those topics would be. Damn. I'm sure they'll cross my mind again later in the week, but for now, you can enjoy the sweet sweet stories I have posted in link format below:

* Michael Jackson's credit card can be yours! Just get a normal Visa, add another cardholder to that account, and you, too, can be the King of Pop.

* On a similar note, the same site has a user that made a prank call to Proctor and Gamble about their "99.44% pure" soap which I thought was rather amusing.

* Licking your Toilet Seat is Healthier than Typing on your Keyboard.

* Off of that link, I learned about the CB-7000, the toilet of the future? Perhaps the most fucked up thing I've seen in recent memory. And here I was thinking the future of ass cleaning would involve three seashells. Check out the domain name, too.

* Korean parents powerlevel for their kids. I know MMORPG's are huge in South Korea, but has it really come down to this? If you don't want your kids glued to the computer screen all day, you don't do the grinding for them. You hit them with a belt and send them outside to play.

* Gas prices across the country. This is probably worth bookmarking. Anyone want to do a road trip to Montana? Apparently I belong there and the gas is cheaper. At least I don't live in New York anymore.

* A census breakdown of Keene, NH. I'm sure you don't care, but I thought it was neat. Might as well link it here in case I want to reference it later!

As a side note, I did find the rare and exotic "geo screwcoin" yesterday. Mark me up to 52 now. The pictures I took of it didn't come out well. Not surprising since it's a shiny metal mixed with close-up shooting. One side says, "Screw geocoins! Let's go find some caches!" And the other says, "Of course it's trackable, because it's all about the icons!" (Geocaching.com used to have just one icon to represent travel bugs, but they have since gone completely ape shit with several different types of travel bugs and making a unique icon for each type.) The Flyers will always suck.
I never really cared for the Stanley Cup playoffs when it aired on ESPN2 instead of ESPN most of the times. Hockey is a great sport and shouldn't be bumped to a secondary channel so people can watch PGA golf highlights. Or as is the case right now, a playoff NBA game (on ESPN) or kickboxing (on ESPN2). Where's the hockey? It's on the nearly-forgotten Outdoor Life Network.

Is that where the NHL playoffs should be aired? OLN? It's bad enough that two games are currently being played and I can only watch one of them.

What a sad state of affairs. :( I love the NHL playoffs, even though I almost never pay attention to the regular season. Probably because my team has been at the bottom of the barrel for at least five years. But all of the teams play with so much more intensity in the playoffs. It's great to watch, and there is so much parity between teams. I've often seen 1st or 2nd seeded teams lose in the first round. 51 down. 25 (49?) to go.
Once again, the folks over at weather.com have proven to be a bunch of liars. According to their Doppler radar, Western New Hampshire should have been drenched in rain since noon time. It hasn't even been drizzly by 5 PM. What the hell? I actually planned my adventures today taking account the potential downpours and it turns out that I could have done so much more.

Possibly.

I was originally planning to do a five-cache stint ending in Pisgah State Park, but it wasn't until this morning that I learned that my "end cache" is in need of TLC (maintenance) and that the gates into the park will not be open until May 23. That would extend my hiking an extra three or four miles one-way. I didn't have that kind of time. I had to settle with a mystery/puzzle cache which involved visiting four points on Main Street, Keene, calculating the cache's coordinates based on information from those four points, and then finding the completely unhidden cache miles away. (I covered it back up.)

One cache a weekend is not good enough. I need to maintain a two caches per weekend average in order to double my finds from last year, and about three caches a weekend to reach 100. While I do have a few weekends planned where I may find from seven to ten caches, I do expect to take some weekends off. That adds to the challenge.

Tomorrow, weather.com predicts lots of rain in the Concord area. I still plan to hike to one cache in the middle of nowhere. Not so much to maintain my average, but because this cache has something called a "geo screwcoin" which I have never heard of. I think it's essentially a coin shaped like a flat screw, and can be traded around like a typical travel bug. We shall see. I hope. Tuesday Funnies
I'm just about dry on text-based funnies. So sad. Jon supplied me with this one:

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Also, check out this great video. Owned. Happy Easter!
I didn't do the whole 20-cache hunt like I proposed doing earlier in the week. Things changed. The caches I was thinking of hitting I can easily do at any other time, so what's the rush? The Saturday morning smoke screwed me up for the rest of the day. I was invited out Saturday night, so I did not get up that early this morning. It also meant that I was doing all of my laundry and stuff today instead of getting a head start on it the day before. Gotta take advantage of Mom's appliances when I can. :)

I did find my 50th Saturday afternoon, however, in a nearby cemetery. I don't particularly care much for cemetery caches. Modern cemeteries lack the cool gothic headstones and monuments of centuries past. Significantly older cemeteries creep me out just due to their age and lackluster design. The broken headstones and all of the moss give it a real macabre feeling. I often find myself just staring at such a cemetery for about five minutes before I can go in it. I always forget my zombie repellent, too.

I tried to find my 51st near a waterfall in a remote section of Keene. I got to the site, but one must cross the raging river to get to the cache, and I couldn't find a suitable crossing point. There were a couple spots I might have been able to make it, but the risk wasn't worth the reward. If I was making myself sore from playing frisbee, I wasn't gonna trust my (apparently rusty) cat-like reflexes on slippery rocks. This is a cache I'll have to wait for the waters to die down on, and I'll have to bring someone along with me to help me cross. Or perhaps call 911.

Didn't do much for Easter. Went home. Ate food. Did laundry. Went back to Keene.

I noticed that when I was hired for my now-part-time job, the company was within two weeks of its five-year low on the stock market. In the last week or two, it has reached an all-time high. Clearly, this is not a coincidence. I am the epitome of all that is retail! Got up a little earlier than I wanted to.
Some alarm was going off at about 5:30 in the morning. I thought at first it was someone's alarm clock set obnoxiously loud, but upon further inspection (mainly someone yelling, "Where's all this smoke coming from?"), I knew in fact that the smoke alarms in the hallway were going off.

I wasn't sure how much time I had before I would be set ablaze, but I didn't rush to put clothes on and to get my wallet and cell phone. Glasses? Fuck them. But I did bring my shoes.

I also noticed that I'm pretty fucked if there was a fire outside my door. I only have one escape route. Though I suppose I could crack open a window and go through there.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the guy across the hall put some lasagna in his microwave and left. Instead of putting it in there for 2 minutes 30 seconds, he must have put it in there for 23 minutes. Filled the place up with smoke. No fire, though.

This kinda messes up my own plans for the day. I'm so tired right now. I wanted to get an early start on some geocaching, but I still need about two or three hours of sleep. I may have to change my course to account for afternoon foot traffic. Tuesday Funnies

After Ten Marriages, NOW She's Happy!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... Oh God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"Because You're a tax man.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Mike Furir is a no-talent ass clown.
Some jackass going by that name has been spamming the comments section of my older posts. All he does is post a link to some broken site (which I presume should be his personal website) or writes "Mike XXX" a couple times, where XXX is a 3-digit number. It's fucking dumb. I updated to the latest version of Movable Type, which has better blacklisting and spam detection capabilities, so we'll see how well that works out.

Interestingly enough, doing a Google search on "Mike Furir" turns up a bunch of links about how much of a douchebag this guy is. Miss Zoot has an amusing post about him. Yay.
Played in the woods after work today. Went 4 for 4. That's six for the weekend. Woo.

Two were in an area I visited 18 months ago. There was a cache there I found and I remember almost getting busted for it. It was in a high-traffic area under a bunch of rocks. It comes as no surprise to me that since then, the cache has been stolen. The new caches were in the same park, but in low-traffic areas. I attacked them as if I was having flashbacks of the now missing cache, doing little besides signing the logbook and getting the hell out of there.

I'm somewhat disappointed by the growth of my hobby that is geocaching. Yeah, it's great to see more caches out there, but I remember last year having to make special arrangements so I can get to an area with nine caches and tire myself out after finding five. This year, it almost seems too easy to get to 100 caches. The growth seems exponential. Of course, my hometown of Hillsboro is still weak in the cache department, but Concord and Keene and their respective surrounding towns are booming. In all seriousness, I bet I could hit 20 caches Easter Sunday if the weather is nice. My record of five in a day feels so pathetic.

I measured my bedroom at home and compared the square footage to my apartment. My old bedroom is the same size -- if not bigger -- than my entire apartment. That's funny. My apartment isn't that big, but it's spacious enough for me and what I need to do. My home bedroom, on the other hand, is ridiculously huge. Probably a side effect of being in the house of a presidential family. (Franklin Pierce's sisters lived there, and possibly Franklin as well. I'm not up-to-date with the history lesson.) On the plus side, my apartment has more cubic footage courtesy of higher ceilings. My ass is sore.
Don't rush to conclusions.

I had this awesome plan today where I was going to get up around 5:15 AM and be the first to find a brand spanking new cache located in Troy, NH. It posted on the internet yesterday. I've never been the first to find any cache, and the weather was favorable enough for me to pull this feat off. (I did have a "last to find" once. Someone stole the cache after I logged my visit.) I could then backtrack and hit some other caches on my back to HQ.

It didn't happen, though. I wasn't motivated to get out of bed. I set my alarm. It woke me up. I hit snooze a couple times. Then I was like "fuck it" and shut it off entirely. Then I slept until 10 AM. :)

The cache was on some crazy dirt road where you'd need an SUV to get within striking distance. Or, you could walk from further away. Unfortunately, my legs and ass are pretty sore because I spent my last couple lunch breaks playing frisbee. Lots of running and throwing. I learned a new throw to add to my arsenal. But anyway, I'm sore. I guess I'm out of shape. :P It was a cool and cloudy day, so I chose to find some other lower impact caches in Keene. Went 2 for 2. I'll probably do some more tomorrow in the Concord area.

I think doubling my caches this year (to 76) will be easy. I'm wondering if I can hit 100 lifetime this year. I'm at 45 right now. The reason I say that is there is a huge number that have spawned in Concord over the last few months. There are a couple clusters ranging from four to seven caches that I should easily be able to find in a single afternoon. I could make a day out of it with an interested friend (if I had one locally). In fact, I think I'm going to need a partner in crime to visit most of them. A lot of the new caches are micro caches, which are usually film canisters with a "log book" inside them. The problem with micro caches, aside from being ridiculously small, is that they are often found in high-traffic areas like inner cities. The only way I can get a micro cache is early in the morning when there are no on-lookers or if I have someone to act as a watch guard so I don't get busted or compromise the location of the cache to non-geocachers. At least I found someone interested in going geocaching with me in Keene. We'll see how well that works out. I can be a fucking maniac with my ninja-like subterfuge skills. He better be able to meet my intensity.

Easter is the only guaranteed Sunday I have off from my part-time job each year (unless Christmas falls on a Sunday). I'm gonna have to plan some sort of "Ironman" marathon of cache hunting. I wanna find like 300 next weekend. I know I won't come close, but I gotta plan out a route and carpet bomb the woods full of awesome Jerome flavor, you know what I'm sayin? Yeah, neither do I. But anyway... there are so many targets, and so little time! Gah! I've already bought some Cadbury creme eggs to celebrate my victory. Hopefully I don't eat them all before then. Cadbury creme eggs are by the far the most superior of all Easter candy. Take your beloved "peeps" and shove them up your ass.

Anyone looking for something to do come Easter? :P Things to remember when dissecting your computer
I finally put my huge CPU fan on the other day. I only bought it back in November. Ran into a couple problems, though. Here are some words of advice:

* If you're unplugging everything from your motherboard, make sure you have your motherboard's manual so you can plug everything in again.
I thought I was all good to go. I had thermal paste. I had rubbing alcohol. I had instructions. Well, some instructions. It wasn't until I unplugged all of those tiny wires for the power and reset buttons, etc, that I realized I was gonna have to make an early trip home. That worked out ok, though, because I started my laundry sooner and I scored some free dinner.

* Don't set small things of value on your gas stove.
I didn't really have a good place to put things. The corners of the stovetop seemed good enough. That is, until one of the long screws that held my old CPU heatsink and fan in place rolled to one of my gas burners and fell down into the hole. I can't spot it with a flashlight. Maybe I can get it out with a powerful magnet, but since it was only a screw, I'm hoping the buyer will have plenty of spare parts laying around should I turn around and sell it.

* Have adequate tools.
My fan came with some sort of "fan mate" controller that lets me set its rotational speed. You know, that way I can crank it up if I'm doing crazy 3D gaming, or turn it all the way down when I'm going to bed. Unfortunately, I plugged in this controller but I can't use it and have the side door to my case on at the same time. And I can't remove the controller without a set of pliers. Damnit. <insert cricket noise here>
It is a pretty quiet day here in Hotel Grondin. Normally, I don't mind the peace but I didn't really have anything to do today, so I'm feeling more bored than anything else. I'm hoping someone or something will break the monotony, but I'm not holding my breath. Sigh.

Both jobs are still going well. I realize my time at my part-time job is almost at its end, and some people that don't work Sundays still ask about me a lot. That's pretty nice. My full-time gig has been ok, though they have recently moved me to another cubicle 12 feet up the row. That might not sound like a lot, but it makes a world of difference. My ex-roommate-to-be used to be across from me, and she and I would amuse each other to no end by talking shit and trying to piss each other off. I miss that. :) The woman that used to be in front of me would give me crap every now and then, too. My new adjacent cubemates pretty much keep to themselves, so I feel kinda bored at times. I want to move back to my old spot. Those harassing women want me back, too, but my supervisor won't grant their (and my) wish. Damnit.

I assume my family is doing decent, though I don't have much contact with any of them except when I come up Saturday nights. Even still, it's usually just with my mother, and sometimes my nephew. He always wants to play, and I don't really have anything in my house still that he can have fun with. That and I'm usually tired by the time I go home on Saturday, so the last thing I want to do is get worked over by an 8-year-old. I'd rather take a dip in the hot tub, which I haven't even done once yet despite one being installed in my house for the last six months (wtf?).

I'm starting to toy with the idea of upgrading my computer, which I put together almost a year ago. It's still ahead of its time in terms of performance and capability, but my inner geek always wants something better or faster or quieter. It doesn't take long for new innovation to hit the PC market, and I'm jonesing to do an upgrade, though my PC is more than adequate for what I use it for. :p

I was also taking a look at my transaction register and my weblog entries from a year ago. A lot of cool stuff happened in April and May, it seems. Lewis Black performed sometime around then, and I think he makes an appearance in Concord each year for the last couple years. But I don't see Concord, NH on his itinerary this year. I hope he makes a stop. I'd like to be able to get his book this time around, and perhaps my friend who wanted to go last year but had to bail on me can go this time. Hmm.

I'm not seeing any Lewis Black "bobblehands" dolls available on his website... I would have thought they'd be in production by now.

I miss being "kidnapped." Those are awesome times. (Make it happen again, Chris! :))

I don't miss overnight work. Throw me around in the mosh pit!
So I scored a free love seat after work yesterday. I had to Febreeze it a bit since it was stored in a cellar for a long time, but I can't complain because it's free and it matches the neutral tones going on in my bare livingroom. Came with extra pillows, too. And half a bottle of Febreeze!

It's kinda cool that though I don't have anything to entertain company (TV? What's that?), I can at least invite long distance friends to come over and we can get hammered and they will have a place to pass out. I supposed they'd have the option of sharing my bed with me (giggity), but it's a decent fallback should said company be equipped with a penis.

Tangent: Lacuna Coil's Karmacode will probably be the only CD coming out this year worth me buying. Lots of the tracks start off as if they were Korn songs, but then Cristina Scabbia starts singing and that's the end of that similarity. Their prior work, Comalies is a great CD (set), too. I'd like to check these guys out in concert. It might be too late for me to find someone interested to go with me and make the April 26 New England Metal & Hardcore Festival in Worcester, MA, but I'd be more interested in this year's Ozzfest instead (August 1, Mansfield, MA). A much more recognizable lineup. The main stage owns! Any takers?

Fucking scalpers on eBay aren't too generous with their pricing. Tuesday Funnies

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
NEW COMPANY POLICY
Effective April 4, 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

On a similar note, I'm gonna share another office joke with you, this one made by a dude I work with named Greg:

Play the them to the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials in your head while you read this.

Bud Light presents: Real men of genius.

(Real men of genius!)

Today we're looking at you, Mr. never picks up his reports from the printer.

(Mr. never picks up his reports from the printer!)

You know that you're a busy man, a key player. And you want to share that with all of us by showing everyone just how busy you are.

(The more paper the more importance!)

E-mails, spreadsheets, Word documents, reports, pictures, cooking recipes, horoscopes, anything you can find on your computer you will print, and leave it there for everyone to see just how busy you are.

(Oh save the trees!)

We have to sort through a 595-page report at 1pm that has been there since 8am to find the one sheet of paper that we just printed. And if that report of yours should ever become out of order, you'll teach us all by leaving the first one, and printing another, seven... Teen more times.

(Hippies would be crying!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Never picks up his reports from the printer. Or better yet, have someone bring one too you. You've made us all completely aware of how busy you are. Because if you don't have the time to pick up your documents from the printer, than you definitely won't have time to make it to the fridge.

(Mr. never picks up his reports from the printerrrrrrr!)

I really hate that printer guy. What a douche. Unleash the beast within. Please.
It's surprising how badly I want to berate some people because I feel I have been done wrong, and I will sometimes intentionally seek out the target person(s) so I can blow off some steam, but then when the conversation starts, I can't bring myself to do it. I don't particularly care for confrontation, but I would think the closer I am to someone, the more comfortable I would be blowing off steam because they know me well enough and we'd be cool again the next day. But the opposite seems to be true. The less I care about someone, the easier it is for me to go ape shit. Probably because I don't really care if the "victim" doesn't talk to me again. I typically aim to hurt. But some friends are too important for me to lose, and if I believe they don't take criticism well, I'm kinda in a fucked situation. I can't blow off steam for fear of losing said friend, but then the ball of hate and spite inside me grows bigger, waiting to erupt over the slightest provocation. There has to be a happy medium. But I have anger issues; I can't get my feeling of discontentment across without hurting someone's feelings. Grr.

And strangely, some of my best comedic work comes when I'm seethingly agitated, but not actually at that "I'm pissed off" stage. Go figure. I don't really like the last two days.
On April 1st, everyone thinks they're a damn comedian. At least on the internet. You don't really see real life pranks anymore.

On April 2nd, the first Sunday of April, Daylight Savings started. Though losing an hour of sleep sucks, I hate even more to listening to all of those lame ass stories people tell about how they were almost late for work or how they forgot to set their clocks or how they could only shotgun 47 beers last night instead of 55. Shut up. I don't care.

Next year, the Sundays in which Daylight Savings begins and ends will change. So be prepared. Your computer, cell phone, or GPS may not update at the proper time. Caring for your introvert
It's a good article. I suggest you read it. I found it off of #!/usr/bin/girl:

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day?
Sure.

Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk?
Depends on how well I know the group or person. Pair me with the right person and I can be deep or unable to shut up. People I don't know well are likely not to hear a peep out of me. Small talk is pretty gay, too. Stop talking for the sake of hearing yourself talk. Quiet time is good.

Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate?
Depends who I'm forced to hang out with. Quiet nights with one person usually win over loud nights with several people.

Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
No, that's that Chloe O'Brian girl on 24. Though if people are acting nice, I often suspect they want something from me.

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
Some people don't get the hint that the reason I don't want to hang out with them is primarily because my lifestyle is much different than their own.

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands - and that you aren't caring for him properly.
Oh crap! I'm infected!

Seriously though, it is a decent read. The only thing I don't really care for is that the author refers to introversion as a "condition" or an "orientation," which to me makes it sound like it could be a disorder or genetic or somehow similar to the "gay rights" movement. I'm not sure if he's ever taken a psychology course, but Myers-Briggs and Jung, despite being popular tests, have so many holes. You can drive a car through some of them.

Now, if you don't mind (and if you do, too bad), shut up and let me tune to my inner peace.