Tuesday Funnies

Amazing Italian!

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

I chuckled, but I don't get it. Is there something about the Italian stereotype I don't know?

Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFJeGbQkDDg
Jon: cruel, but hilarious
Me: pwnage

A little "first to find" action.

Found It! May 29 by Max Jerome (350 found)
Booya!

Co-FTF with swhorfe. It's nice to see that I'm finally able to claim an FTF after 350 caches. :P

The signal was a little bouncy, so as I decoded the hint by hand (more accurately, by head), swhorfe looked for the appropriate area. Only needed the first sentence before he found it. :)

[Took nothing. Left nothing. Signed log.] Thanks!

Finally. I'm so fucking tired of being the second to find a cache. To be able to FTF ("first to find") one feels like a curse has been lifted from my weak and feeble second-to-finding ass. This cache was posted online this morning -- I logged on this morning before work on a whim -- and we were able to tackle it immediately after work. Actually, we left a little early to beat anyone else that was thinking the same thing. :) I'm surprised we beat all of the retired people to it, though.

But why settle for FTF'ing one cache when you can FTF two?

Found It! May 29 by Max Jerome (351 found)
Epic!

Co-FTF with swhorfe. Actually, he pretty much found it on his own once we got within 50 feet of it 'cause he's a punk. He took the TB, though he may not be able to log it for a while because he's internet-less at the moment.

Those looking to use the parking coordinates will have to travel southbound on Mine Ledge Road. We went northward and hit a "gate" .6 miles from the coordinates, but .23 miles from the cache. We bushwhacked the whole way there. Had to watch out for private property signs along the way.

Nice little spot up there. That camper has seen better days. :)

[Thanks for the cache!]

Eat it.

The camper in question got smashed by a fallen tree. And thus ends one saga...
Hopefully, a new one will begin.

I've worked my last shift at a place I was employed for nearly five years. To say I won't miss the place and what people remain (and those that are gone) would be a fallacy. I got a lot of history there. It was a little rough to punch out for the last time and to make my rounds. It wasn't so much emo-like as it was... well... you remember how Kill Bill Vol. 2 ended where Uma Thurman's character was laughing and crying on the floor of the bathroom in the motel room she and her kid were staying in? No? Watch it again. It was kinda like that. Except I wasn't on the floor laughing and crying. But I can see where she's coming from at that point. It's not so much the release of a burden but some weird sense of accomplishment. But it had to be done. Now, I can attempt to have a life.

That's really my main goal right now: to have a life. I worked too much for one to ever develop.

I'd like the record to show that my manager there is easily the best "boss" I've ever had. Over the years, he's pulled so many strings for me it's ridiculous. He was more than willing to give me hours when external forces would disrupt my cash flow even if there weren't hours to hand out. He worked hard to keep me on the payroll when others didn't see the value of overbudgeting my department by one head for someone that (usually) worked only once a week. Knowing how the business works, I should have been dropped a long time ago, and to know I'm the only person in his eight-year tenure that he was willing to accommodate and make exceptions for means a hell of a lot. It's nice to know I'm worth the effort.

Thanks 'Dre. You're peerless. Tweakin' out
I figure with me leaving my place of part-time employment tomorrow, I'd tweak this site a little to update my information. Nothing too fancy thus far... just some side bar crap and the "about me" page got revised. I'm sure I'll mess with it more as the week goes on.

I found a nifty tracker that ranks all geocachers by their number of finds by country as well as by state. As of the tracker's last update, I've recorded the 69th most finds of all New Hampshire-based cachers. Not too shabby. I think that's pretty good, actually, given that I don't have easy access to Manchester, Nashua, or Portsmouth, where there is quite a pile of caches. Then again, I can easily dab into Western Massachusetts and rake in the numbers if I was so inclined.

I recognize most of the names in the Top 50. I bet mine will be there soon. I'm also in the Top 9,000 across the country. Caches are a little sparser in New Hampshire than in most places, what I can say.

Played in the woods a little after a short work shift today. I've found nine this weekend. For those wanting a tick tally, I found six on me today. That puts me at eight for the year thus far. It's good to see that I'm still popular with these bugs almost one year to the day. Next douchebag that knocks on my apartment door unannounced is gonna taste my fist.
I have this sketchy neighbor I met some time last week. He knocked on my door, and I couldn't really fake that I wasn't home because I was watching an episode of The Shield or something at a nice volume. So I had to answer. We shot the shit for a couple minutes, then he asked to borrow two bucks. I gave it to him and he left.

I don't think I'm ever gonna see those two dollars again. What exactly can you buy for two bucks, anyway?

Anyhoo, someone was just knocking on my door repeatedly. I think it was the same guy. I didn't bother to answer. Though it's possible that he was gonna pay me back, I'd rather that he just keep the money and never speak to me again. I don't want him to start thinking we're pals or that I'm loaded or something.

I don't like any of my neighbors. They're all like 20 years older than me and I suspect most of them ate paint chips as children. Loud.
I figure if I'm gonna splurge, there's no reason for me to go half-assed with the home theater system I cannot even use yet. So I decided to go with a pair of Klipsch F-3 floorstanding speakers (review), which have about the same retail price as my 32" LCD HDTV does currently. Of course, I'm not actually getting them for MSRP, which makes it beautiful. Now I just need a receiver and maybe some better cables depending what they come with. Oh, and a big enough living room that can actually support it all. Details.

Though I won't be able to use the speakers immediately, speakers take forever to drop in value, so it's not really a concern. I think we've had the F-3's on display at work for the last three or four years, and there's no sign of them going anywhere for a long time.

Busy weekend coming up. Drinks tonight, and hopefully some hiking tomorrow depending how late I'm up and how wrecked I get (I love to binge). A long shift of working follows on Sunday. Hopefully I can squeeze in a little hiking before I work my very long shift on Memorial Day. Preferably without ticks this time, either. :) Tuesday Funnies

Children comment on the sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea, you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule, age 7)

Kids may or may not be adorable, but I know for sure that this one is getting owned. Youtube.com! You're still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question...

Haven't written anything lately. I'm a busy guy, what I can say. Sure, a bunch of shit happened -- some probably being post-worthy -- but I don't see me having a break from the intense cimeatic action that is my life for quite a number of days to come. I kinda like it like that. Being kept busy outside of work gives me a feeling of livelihood, which is something I haven't experienced in quite some time. Wicked.

I'm not entirely sure what I want to report on that I feel is both fine to disclose to the masses and is exciting enough to write about. Hmm...

I have less than a week until I am done with my part-time shenanigans. They're gonna make my last two shifts (Sunday and Monday) long as hell, too. For Monday, I volunteered to do the most time-consuming project that a member of my department would routinely do. It'll probably take me about 12 or 13 hours to complete. And since I'll be working on a holiday, I will be paid time-and-a-half. That will make for an excellent pay day.

I'm thinking of picking up some Klipsch floorstanding speakers for shits and giggles. We get an incredible deal on them for working at my part-time job. I wouldn't use them in the apartment I have now, but I figure at some point in my life I'll get a bigger and better place (though it's really hard to beat the location I'm at) and I'll be able to have a kickin' sound system. Then all I would really need is a receiver, but finding one with HDMI ports on it that costs under $300 is impossible at this time. I'm planning for the future!

To have all of my dvd's at my place now is awesome. I don't own many (just the good shit worth buying), but the end table I used to use to hold them on just wasn't cutting it anymore. I bought this little stand of sorts and it fits perfectly beside my awesome TV. I used to keep a good chunk of them at my mother's, but alas, I don't need to anymore.

I kinda wanna go caching. I only found three after work Sunday because the weather sucked so bad all weekend. I went in the rain. I didn't care. But now it's nice and warm and sunny and I really want to take advantage of this shit.

Potential driving range action after work tomorrow. I only divotted once when we went golfing, so clearly my issue is that I'm not getting under the ball enough for it to soar through the air. That and I find it uncomfortable to bring the club back any further than as if I was making a chip shot. It's too awkward. Then again, I don't really have any form to speak of. I doubt I'm hitting them right.

I think I'm gonna be forced into creating a MySpace page at some point. Rumor has it that will be a convenient medium for getting my high school people together for our ten-year reunion. It would also come in handy for when fantasy football season is back again, as most of my coworkers that were in that last year are now dispersed across several states.

The ladies like getting me drunk. But even drunk, I can't really acquire a taste for wine. Maybe because the bottle only cost six bucks.

Steak tonight. Wanna come over? "The price is wrong, Bitch!"
Ah, the golf. It was alright. We went to Shattuck, which none of us have ever played. It's also rumored to be one of the best courses in all of New Hampshire. It was pretty, but with all of the divots and tee holes I found, I can say I've been to better maintained courses.

Nothing that epic happened. We recorded some videos, which hopefully will find their way to YouTube soon.

I continue to suck at my drive. I didn't bother to drive on some tees because the first 100 yards were all brush and thorn bushes.

My clubs were decent; one of my buddies decided to use mine instead of his because mine were better. :) I'm missing a pitching wedge and sand wedge, though. Not that it really matters, since ever iron or wood I use yields the exact same result: a nice roll for tens of yards. I rock.

I like trying to flip the golf carts.

I think I gained more balls than I lost. I found a ton of them in several brooks that traverse the course, as well as in the thicker foliage. I have several cuts all over my legs trying to score free balls. It was worth it in the end; balls aren't that cheap!

We didn't bring bug spray, which turned out to be a mistake. The bugs were in full force last night.

Everyone is sore today, though we only played nine holes and had golf carts. I'm not fatigued at all, probably from all of the hiking and running around I do at lunch and on the weekends. Pussies.

Tornado watch in effect right now. Time to go caching? Tuesday Funnies
I made no effort to correctly punctuate this fucking mess. Seriously, does anyone know how to properly use quotation marks or capitalization anymore?

WAX is "Not your Friend"*

*This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

*All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

*My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

*It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

*So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

*With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

*Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

*I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

*Everything is swirling and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

*I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???

*WHERE IS THE WAX??

*Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

*Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

*I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

*What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

*I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!

*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

*Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

*So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

*God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!

*I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

*There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or * *hoo-ha?"

*She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

*YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

*While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

*By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

*My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY!!

*The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

*It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

*I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!

*So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

*Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Ladies who want me: you have no idea how much pre-cum I can generate if you can spell properly and know how to use a semicolon. I find proper punctuation incredibly hot. Power trails are for queers.
There, I said it.

I had a fairly decent weekend. It could have been better. It could have been worse, too.

I took a tour of Greenfield and Deerfield, MA, Saturday. Found a bunch of caches. I found every single one I sought out to find, though I did have to back off from a couple because of nearby muggle activity.

Every town in this area of Massachusetts ends with "field." And they all border one another. Greenfield. Deerfield. Hatfield. Northfield. Ashfield. Plainfield. Chesterfield... There's more. Way to get creative with your naming schema for this part of the state, founding fathers.

Sunday was Mother's Day. I have a buddy that runs an online sex shop, so I hit him up to see what he might have kicking around in his "returns and exchanges" closet. Unfortunately, I didn't find anything my mother didn't already own. So I took some weighted nipple clamps and a riding crop just in case and was on my way.

Ok, so nothing in the above paragraph actually happened. I do have connections (seriously), but what my mother has or doesn't have for "marital aids" is none of my concern. *shudder* I got her a hanging basket of flowers and left her alone all day. (Had to work.)

Did some more caching after work Sunday. I was not remotely impressed with the caches I sought out. Concord, NH is so inundated with geocaches that people are just placing them willy-nilly in the middle of an unscenic, trailless set of woods. In fact, I'm considering ignoring caches placed by certain people. Some people just don't seem to fucking get it. Sure, everyone plays the game in their own way, but it's getting ludicrous. I'm getting upset by the lack of quality in the area. Those who play for numbers can do so easily in Concord. Though I intend to hit 500 lifetime this summer (by the end of August would be epic), I'd easily trade a "power trail" of ten stupid caches for one on the top of a mountain peak. Mountain peaks are fucking money. Once I hit 500, that's what I'm gonna do. Fuck numbers. At least until I close in on 1,000. :)

Golfing tomorrow after work. I'll get to use my $20 bag of clubs finally. Hopefully swhorfe will get some cool vids to share online of our incredibly horrible game. I wish I could drive the god damn ball. I can chip like a motherfucker, but I got no long game whatsoever. :p "There can be only one, Highlander!"
Not that I expect to get anyone to email me saying, "Dude! Let's go!" from posting this on the site, but if anyone wants to go to The Great Northern Tier Geocaching Tournament: Franklin County, I'll see you there!

GPS rentals available on site.

There's a nearby disc golf course, too! Haven't been there. Guess I will soon, because I'm gonna be caching in Deerfield this weekend (Conway is the next town west). Buying Time
It's getting to be that kind of weather where all I want to do is drink hard lemonade in a lawn chair off of someone's patio or rooftop and watch the traffic go by. Maybe kick it to some tunes. But alas, I don't have any hard lemonade (yet), a lawn chair, or even a lawn to put said chair onto. And my street isn't particularly busy. There is an older people's bar across the street, and sometimes I hear drunkards yelling late at night from there, but nothing remotely annoying. It's not like I live across the hall from a drug dealer.

Since I don't have access to the finer yet simpler things in life such as lawn chairs and rooftops, I've been wasting my last couple week nights catching up on some TV series I follow. It's quite an impressive feat to the simple man, since I don't have cable, but I do have tons of dvd's and whatnot to keep me entertained for the short term. Yipee.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, nor do I know really why I'm even typing. Subconsciously, I guess I just don't want to deal with the dishes in the sink and the trash that has to go out. :)

I'm already looking forward to the weekend, though I don't have any plans at this time. Maybe I can get last weekend to happen again, though I don't know anyone with a birthday this weekend to give me an excuse to go drinking. I'm sure I can come up with plenty of things to do on the geocaching theatre to make the afternoons pass by, but the night time at the moment could be rough if I don't start doing some reconnaissance soon.

I think I've stalled on my daily tasks long enough. The dishes aren't cleaning themselves. :p Maybe I should get a dishwasher from my part-time gig while I still can reap the benefits... too bad I don't have the space for one nor do I create enough of a mess for me to need one. Of course, with a dishwasher, my new apathy would be putting the dishes away after they're done instead of actually having to clean them by hand. Sigh.

I really need more outlets in this apartment. I have like one per room. And the only ones with a ground are in the bathroom (wtf?) and where the fridge plugs in. Would be really nice if I could get my TV protected as well as the air conditioner when it comes time to install that again.

Wow, can I babble about nothing. Tuesday Funnies

Use Your Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use 'big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'big people' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit."

I was initially hurt with his words. And then he pushed me down the stairs and my shoes fell off! My shoes, and my glasses! This is how my days should go.
I've been pretty productive the last few days. It was a really good weekend. If I wasn't drinking, I was hiking. And the weather was nice. Perfect.

I somehow succeeded to party it up both Friday and Saturday night. I don't remember the last time I pulled that two-fer. It may, in fact, be unprecedented since my college days. <dP> dominated the landscape back then!

Anyhoo, a friend had a birthday celebration Friday night, and I boozed up pretty good.

I attempted to cache Saturday afternoon, sweeping from Keene to Peterborough and up to my mother's in Hillsboro. Found one. Did not find two. Could not attempt to find two others because of muggle activity. Not a very impressive outing. But it was beautiful out.

Saturday night was my brother-in-law's surprise birthday party. It was also Cinco de Mayo, so I felt the need to pull double-duty. Unfortunately, I couldn't drink much because I had to work one of my last remaining Sunday shifts the following morning.

Post-work Sunday, I played on the Oak Hill Trails in Northern Concord. Found seven. Had to back away from one courtesy of a muggle. Discovered three travel bugs. Took an untrackable geocoin. Not a bad outing.

Did some epic frisbee maneuvers with Mitchell at lunch time today. He's a little rusty, though. :) It's also getting fucking warm out. I'm liking it.

A group of us is penning in some golf for next Tuesday. Finally, I'll get to use my clubs I bought off of eBay over six months ago. Plus all of the balls and shit I got for Christmas since no one knew what to get me.

I really want to get some frisbee golf time in. I'm gonna be a doing a shitload of that once the Sunday thing is over with. Hopefully, I won't lose any more in the water. :)

I miss the mid-90's alt rock music. Just thought I'd throw that out there. I got some Smashing Pumpkin's Gish album stuff playing right now. Nostalgic. Nice and clean.
After much hesitation courtesy of the incredibly horrible experience from the likes of Hillsboro Ford's service department, I finally allowed a Ford dealership located here in Keene to touch my car. I had a recall -- something about a rear door latch corrosion issue -- to take care of for nearly two years, as well as the creaking noise my car was making whenever I was turning right.

I dropped it off yesterday before work, and they called me just under two hours later saying that it was ready to be picked up. Whoa. You know how fucking impressive that is to me?

The creaking was because of some sway bar links, whatever the hell those are. They got replaced and were free under the extended warranty, sans the $100 deductible. Not too shabby.

I noticed that the steering wheel felt looser when I drove it for the first time since getting it back from the shop. But I also remember that I felt that the wheel was tighter after I got it back from Hillsboro Ford many moons ago. So maybe the looseness is actually the "normal" setting.

Now I just need an alignment next time I get an oil change and I'll be good to go. The wheel has been off by about 15 degrees probably since I got my newest pair of tires back in January. Once that is taken care of, and if you ignore the 12V adapter (I don't actually have a cigarette lighter, but an outlet of sorts instead) being dead (with no plans to be fixed any time soon), my car still runs like the day I got it four years ago. Almost just as clean, too. :)

Kudos to David Ford of Keene.

Fuck you, Hillsboro Ford. I still want to burn your place down. Time to breathe
It should also be noted that this Friday is No Pants Day. Wicked fucking hard. Tapping out
It probably should be noted that I put in my separation notice at my place of part-time employment. I've had it. I think four-and-a-half years is enough. I debated sticking around long enough to get my five-year anniversary wristwatch, but I have a cell phone to keep time for me.

It was no real surprise to anyone that I was leaving. I gave plenty of month's notice that I would eventually be quitting. I don't need the money, though they pay me very well for what I do. However, the hours aren't worth the commute. And the warmer it gets, the less desire I have to be working there. I don't recognize many people that work there anymore. I was in it more just for what comradarie was still there and to maximize the stock options. :)

If anything, people were surprised that I stuck around as long as I did. I'm one of them. :) But I figure I'd like to have a life outside of working, and one way to do that is to... well... stop working. Go figure.

No tearing up of notices this time. No jaw-dropping shock, either. I also let my then-supervisor-turned-manager know first, too, kinda to make amends for last time.

My last day is Memorial Day, and I'm not sure I'll even work that day. I may because it's time-and-a-half pay, but I said that the last two years and still haven't gone. It's unclear what plans may develop this time around. Maybe I can get a mix of the last two years because each BBQ holiday (Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day) two years ago, I drank at a friend's. Last year, I geocached and struck tragedy right around each holiday (ticks, ankle, #200... ok, so Labor Day wasn't tragic.). Hmm.

What am I going to do with this new-found free time? Hopefully drink. ;) I don't actually have an established "get me out of my apartment" partner, but I'm working a couple angles that will hopefully yield positive results. Plus, I have a lot of geocaching I wanna get done, and some areas would be easier to geocache in if I could spend a night at a friend's without worrying about having to work the following morning.

And if I get salary job at my place of full-time employment, chances are I will need to work the occasional Saturday. I'll be damned if I work Sunday, too. Tuesday Funnies
I've been sitting on this since January and never read it until just now:

Mammograms

Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

Exercise one:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise two:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

Exercise three:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are totally prepared!

A friend is like a good bra:

Hard to find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always lifts you up
Never lets you down or leaves you hanging
And is always close to your heart!

Cute. But worth passing over.

Yay boobs.