Tuesday Funnies

Ghosts

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Right.

In case you need more shit-related comedy, check out this Japanese video about using the toilet. See you in hell, Nazi teardrops! Disc golf incompetence at Tully Dam



I'm having fun with this camera. :D

Haven't done the whole frolf thing with the Mitchell in a while, and it kinda shows with our subpar performance at Tully early this morning. 'Ween.
There was a Halloween party at a few of the bars in town last night, and Nicole and myself headed out to see all of the costumes. The one place we spent the night at was giving out prizes for best duo/group costume, best... uh... something else, and another prize for the sexiest costume. Apparently, a lot of girls were gunning for the sexiest costume prize last night, as the place was inundated with skankiness and revealing clothing.

Lukily, I recently bought a Canon SD1000 to replace my still perfectly functional Nikon Coolpix 2100. It's a lot more compact -- the size of a deck of cards -- and is capable of making video clips, which is the wave of the future. I brought it with us to take pics of the better costumes, but I quickly realized that I was better off just giving Nicole the camera and letting her get pictures of all the hot chicks. It's less creepy when another girl goes around asking girls if their picture can be taken. ;)

But there were so many good costumes and whore-like outfits that we killed the battery to my new Canon and we had to make a quick trip back to my apartment to get the Nikon so we could get more photos.

Some of the better costumes include a hottie dressed as Fergie, Rainbow Brite, a cheerleader with "M.I.L.F." across her shirt, a girl dressed up as candy corn, Stewie Griffin, a giant penis, Bamm-Bamm and Pebbles, and a Super Trooper with a bottle of pancake syrup. Several of "the usuals" existed as well: doctors and nurses, devils, etc.

I don't know what pictures I can get away with posting online, but I think I'll be safe posting the ones where you can't see the people's actual faces. That being said, check out Lila and Bender, the DJ dressed up as a chicken, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the Knights of Natty Ice or something.

We had a party at work on Friday, too, but I didn't take any pictures. Most of the women in my department were dressed as if they were in the 80's. Nothing says "so hot" like sweatshirts with the collars cut off of them. Hopefully, I can get someone else's pics sent to me and perhaps share them with the world at a later date. Never gonna come back down.
I've noticed the last couple years, regardless of how silly gas prices become, they always go up when winter ends. They remain high throughout the summer months, but typically tank after Labor Day comes and goes. This year, the whole "price coming down" thing never actually happened. So I did some homework over at GasBuddy and found a graph of NH gas prices over the last three years that affirmed my beliefs. As much as I would like to sit here and bitch about the price of gas, we still get it good compared to most other countries, and the price has remained steady when crude oil keeps climbing in value. I did notice that the cost of propane to my apartment went up 30% last month, though. Hmm.

Working with groceries in a country that relies heavily on trucks to deliver product, the price of gas is one of the reasons for a record number of food price increases I've noticed the last several months. I think the price of coffee has gone up substantially at least four times since Katrina. Lots of Downy items and other cleaning products went up drastically a couple weeks ago, and cooking oil is expected to do the same thing. Food prices are going up faster than the cost of living.

It's not enough for me to alter my shopping and driving habits significantly, but I've noticed "sales prices" now being what used to be "regular prices" and other shit trickling down to the consumer level. Inside jokes ftw

Me: i don't understand my fucking neighbors
Jon: no?
Me: toddlers should not be awake at 10 pm
Jon: that's true
Me: when i was wee lad, i think i was always in bed before 8
Me: maybe even 7
Me: but no
Jon: fuck being a wee lad, it happens half the time now that you're 28
Me: ha
Me: naps ftw
Jon: touche
Me: é
Jon: accents are for gay europeans
Jon: that sould go on your website
[...]
Me: would have been better if i made some sort of comment about correcting you like i'm jake
Me: CRIMONY

Tuesday Funnies

Confession

Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.

The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Schmitty, indeed it is a sin... Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

You can't stop them, or contain them.
The fucking Patriots are so ridiculous this year. They have each game won before the first quarter ends. Every team they play against look like a group of kids with Down syndrome.

Tom Brady has more touchdowns midway through this game against Miami they're currently playing than most starting quarterbacks expect to get for an entire season. He's well on pace to shatter Peyton's single season touchdown record of 49... he may even get 60 at this rate.

And critics thought the Patriots needed videotapes to win games. Maybe other teams should figure out how to cover the freakish monster that is Randy Moss or get through the offensive line first. Pumpkin Fest 2007
... is today.

Last year, I went around taking pictures before running away for the day to avoid feeling as cramped as a can of sardines, but this year, I'm just gonna take off immediately. I don't feel up to doing the same thing this year. I haven't been feeling well the last couple days; my body is fighting off something. I probably shouldn't have gone to work yesterday. And last night, I slept for 12 straight hours. Rock.

But anyway, yeah. Pumpkin Festival. I'm gonna do some laundry at my mom's and head to Concord to get a pair of new tires. My back ones have little tread on them. One even has a nail in it. So I'll probably do that (since trying to get my tires done in Keene probably won't happen) and cache along the way if I feel up to it. Maybe even visit my people at my old job, if any of them are left.

How exciting. Tuesday Funnies

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

More shopping
Is it wrong for me to be already planning my Christmas shopping? I'm very much one of those people that hate seeing Christmas ads running before Halloween or Thanksgiving arrive, yet I find myself this year already planning that far into the future. Maybe it's because of my job, where I'm making buys on product typically for four, six, or eight weeks from now. Therefore, Halloween and Thanksgiving have come and gone for me in a sense. I'm buying into December now.

What's also weird is that I'm not really considering what I'd like to get as gifts for my family. Some coworkers feel closer to me than those I'm related to, and I've already started generating a list in my head as to who I'm going to get what for when we do our Secret Santa thing at work. And even if I don't draw their name, some are gonna get something from me regardless. A lot of women love me and it's important that they're happy. :)

Speaking of shopping, why is it that I can't find a t-shirt in any store that doesn't have shit all over the front of it? Sometimes, I just want a plain black shirt, for instance, without feeling like I'm a walking advertisement for DC Shoes or Billabong. I don't mind so much a small logo over my left pec or a black shirt with hard-to-read charcoal gray writing, but anything else and I should be given the shirt for free. You want me to promote your shit? Don't make me pay to do it. I don't owe you a favor. 365 for the year.
Suck it.

I decided to keep it local today, and I found five. Two of them have haunted me in the past, and I'm beyond ecstatic to have them off of my "did not find" list.

There's this one cache just south of Keene that I must have tried to find at least five or six times, but I got lucky on my latest attempt because another geocacher had it in his hands! :) I wouldn't have found it today had I been alone. The cache was behind some cross beams inside the covered bridge. I've always been looking around or under the bridge. I was thinking as if I was the cache's hider; I would never have placed a cache there in case a motorist comes and doesn't see you and fucks the searcher's world up. So to have had this geocacher find it in such a rash location, it makes me wonder if the other covered bridge caches I couldn't find are hidden in the same dangerous spot. Hmm.

So what now? I don't know. I'm done with my goals this year. I'm not sure I'm going to do much more geocaching this year, as daylight is starting to become a luxury. I'd like to do a little more disc and ball golfing, too. I could continue onwards so I set myself up for success in reaching #1,000 next year, but I'm not particularly interested in reaching that milestone right now. I'm more interested in coming up with a list of caches on top of mountains and setting out to find them all. Or any cache that brings me to a view, really. Quality over quantity. Peak bagging rules! Networking
My sister's son had his 10-year birthday party with four of his friends. The only adults there were myself, my sister, and her husband. So while the kids were doing what kids do, the three of us just kinda hung out and had a decent time on our own. I never really talked to either of them much -- we don't have that much of a relationship, though her son thinks I'm the best thing ever -- but I seem to have enough going on in my life now that I finally have some stories I can tell and whatnot. I didn't just sit there and keep my mouth shut like I typically do. It was neat.

Nothing particularly momentous happened, which kinda makes me wonder what the point of this post is. Kinda hard to put into words. Maybe it's the start of something beautiful? "My shoes, and my glasses!"
I don't know what it is about Keene that makes shopping in it... well... silly. The city (yeah, I guess Keene's considered a city) has all sorts of department stores as if 50,000+ people live here. But every time I go into one, regardless of where it is in Keene, it seems like I'm always the only one shopping there. Always! And some of the stores close at 8:00 PM, which is just silly because that's when I usually consider going out to run my errands. :) I can understand closing at 9:00 at some level, and 9:30 is pretty common. But 8:00? Why even exist? I really don't understand how some of these businesses make enough money to stay afloat. I also don't understand why this "city" has two Friendly's on the same street maybe 1/2 a mile from one another. Queer.

This all spawned in my head as every night this past week, I felt the need to buy tons of shit. I haven't really updated my waredrobe since getting hired at my Keene company. Also, a crack formed on the sole of one of my shoes, getting my feet wet when walking outside. Totally uncool. So I was really on a mission for shoes more than anything else, but I ended up buying a bunch of other shit along with shoes. Mostly clothes, but some towels and bedding as well. As a side note, only make purchases at Bed, Bath, and Beyond if you totally want to get raped in your purse or wallet. That place is rough. Target and TJ Maxx do a way better job helping you save some of your cake.

During my hunt for shoes, I found a thrift store-like place that carried a lot of brown corduroys. I really wanted to get a pair so I could be like former college roommate FRANK FELLA (it's manadatory for me to yell his name) who had a pair before tearing them while riding his bike, but alas, I couldn't find a pair in my size. So sad. Weiner.


Jealous? Clearly, you are.

For some unknown reason, the folks of Oscar Mayer showed up at my place of work today to give free weinermobile rides and pawn off their excess supply of weiner whistles and postcards. Knowing that we may never see the weinermobile again, Sean (swhorfe), Nicole (lolBrown), and myself had to take full advantage.

Though I didn't ride the weinermobile, supposedly it is equipped with six deep bucket seats, a sun roof that they call "the bun roof," a hot dog-shaped dashboard, and the shifter is off to the left (instead of the right) of the driver. Plus some other stuff. Hmm. I wish it had some hydraulics. Then, it would be a complete pussy magnet.

Anyhoo, I managed to successfully hug and pose with the legendary beast, and lolBrown got to ride it, lick it (almost), and pose with it as well. swhorfe did nothing cool, but instead decided to take a bunch of pictures and some video clips.

Knowing that it'll be months before he uploads the videos, I took the liberty to do it myself. There is one when we first see the vehicle and another one when lolBrown disembarks from it.

lolBrown and I posed at the back end of the Weinermobile and its fancy Wisconsin vanity plate. And you can see the custom dashboard from the front end of the Weinermobile.

Wicked hard. Fantasizing
I'm sucking balls at this whole fantasy football thing so far this year. The people I drafted first haven't done anything thus far, and it shows with my awesome 2-3 record. It's not until you get to my 6th pick that someone actually puts up decent numbers. But so far, this entire fantasy football thing has been very bizarre. Most of the people that were picked first in the first round overall have yet to do anything. Players that should be touchdown scoring machines are being held to 20 yards a game. Then again, the season is young and it doesn't matter how well you start. It's how you finish. You want players that get hot at the end of the season and carry you through the playoffs. And being in a 10-person league where the top 8 go into the playoffs, there's no reason for me to panic.

I'm also in another league where you pick which team is going to win each game versus the spread. I'm very horrible at this. Over the last two weeks, I got eight games right out of 28. But that can be tied in with the weirdness I'm experiencing in my other league: star players aren't performing for whatever reasons, and the deadbeat teams are upsetting the teams you expect to win. That and the whole "spread" thing kinda fucks things up. I expect the Patriots to beat the Cowboys this Sunday, but are they going to win by at least six points? I don't know.

I'm also doing fantasy hockey this year in an attempt to reacquaint myself with the NHL. I only recognize 3 of my 18 players' names. :) I don't have high hopes of the fantasy hockey thing achieving my goal, but we'll see. But hockey rules! Go Penguins! Tuesday Funnies

Money

A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who worked for him.

One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.

The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"

"Yale," the man answered.

"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Yackson," came the reply.

It took me a second, too. Hey, they all can't be winners. I should cache northward more often.
The area around Claremont, NH is incredibly beautiful. Some of my geocaching adventures Saturday took me up to some impressive vistas, pictures that postcards are made of. Sadly, I didn't have my camera on me, nor can I find anything on Google image search to do it justice. But it was breathtaking. From the tower on Green Mountain, you can get an awesome view of Mount Ascutney in Vermont. From the top of Arrowhead, you can view all of Claremont with Ascutney in the background (best I could do :/).

Mount Ascutney is essentially Vermont's version of Mount Monadnock: it's a random rock that towers over everything around it for no apparent reason. Both mountains are about the same height and the same prominence. I'm totally scaling that bitch some time soon.

My manager at work has started up geocaching. I guess he went with his brother-in-law about a month ago and got hooked.

Strangely, my sister is also familiar with it, though she didn't know I do it excessively. She's not remotely close to up-to-speed with techincal gadgetry, yet she has heard of the hobby before. Hmm.

Ten more to go, by the way. I'm not sure I want kids.
Though I'm beyond conviced I can do a way better job than the mother across the hall.

The apartment next to me has finally been rented out. It used to be occupied by two guys, and I never really heard anything from them. But now, a family with a toddler have taken their place. And the kid's room is adjacent to my bedroom. The walls are pretty thin over here. And the kid doesn't shut the fuck up.

I've first noticed the child's existence today, and I already want to punt its face like it was a soccer ball. I got pretty fucked up last night, and though I wasn't hung over, hearing the spawn squeal this morning filled my being will all sorts of aggression. The parents are going to love me blasting unrated Opie and Anthony reruns over the screeching of their stupid daughter.

So now there's a kid next door to me and across the hall, both about the same piece-of-shit-I-want-to-kill-you age. This is going to be great. Perhaps my dream of getting a bigger place will come sooner than later if I have to deal with these shenanigans. Tuesday Funnies
Most of these are pretty lame. But meh, whatever.

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

13. A man takes his rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.