Tuesday Funnies

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"That's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives and eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"Not really I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; I pee every morning at 6:00 no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?"

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

This is the kind of silliness my mother feels the need to forward me. Not sure why. Tuesday Funnies

Football Joke

Football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours for the Arizona Cardinals.

One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Dave McGinnis immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the Cardinals players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Oh snap! Tuesday Funnies

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally...

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Haha, athletic chicks. Tuesday Funnies

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

Tuesday Funnies

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Tuesday Funnies

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they fi nd an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I"ll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He"s gone.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Other management lessons. Tuesday Funnies

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Yeah. Tuesday Funnies

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

Tuesday Funnies

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense mom ents. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.

Tuesday Funnies

The Audit

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows Up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant Lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain By saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS Finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ed. "How About a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ed says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite My own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ed removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw Drops.

Ed says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I Can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ed isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost Three grand, with Ed's attorney as a witness. He starts To get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ed asks. "I'll bet you Six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your Desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, And never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks Carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage That stunt, so he agrees again.

Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although He strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the Wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all Over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just Turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed's attorney Moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ed Told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty Thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all Over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Funny, but I can't deal with the unncessary capitalizations. Too many for me to even bother fixing. I'm anal like that. Tuesday Funnies

Foreplay

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

Tuesday Funnies

Taking a break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the mornin to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Tuesday Funnies

One Wave

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

"Her Majesty" and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Tuesday Funnies

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yellsback, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Golfing is March? What? Tuesday Funnies

Subject: lifeline

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Tuesday Funnies

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."

Tuesday Funnies

A big old redneck walks into his local bar with a huge grin on his face.

" What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything..."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found her head..."

Tuesday Funnies

Daddy's Little Princess

When I was a baby, someone had given me a little "tea set" as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Tuesday Funnies

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

Tuesday Funnies

Train Ride

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let"s pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That"s a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Go get your own blanket!"

After a moment of silence... he farted.

What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits.

Tuesday Funnies

Miracle

Little Johnny, an altar boy, runs into the rectory and yells to the priest, "Father, Father, a man just came into the church on crutches, stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both of his legs, and then threw away his crutches."

The priest exclaims, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle! Tell me, where's this man now?"

"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said Johnny.

Tuesday Funnies

DEAF SEX

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since
they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes, "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left
breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

Tuesday Funnies

Golf

Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven't been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It's my hobby, my passion, my first love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we're baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I've been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip?"

Bah, summer jokes during the winter make me emo. Tuesday Funnies

TRUE LOVE?

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right af ter you savedhim. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Tuesday Funnies

INFREQUENTLY
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

A SERVICE
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 senators in front of the door.

Tuesday Funnies

PREGNANT WOMEN

A gorgeous woman gets into a taxi. She says, "To the airport, please."

After a few minutes, the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says, "You're third pregnant woman I've driven to the airport today."

The woman, indignant, says, "You must be kidding. I'm not pregnant."

The taxi driver says, "Well, you haven't arrived at the airport yet, either."

ARGUMENT

A couple was driving down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Tuesday Funnies
Tuesday Funnies

REMAIN SILENT

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."

ENJOYING IT

A guy arrives at his friend house and finds him beating his member with a hammer. "What are you doing?" the guy asks.

His friend says, "I'm masturbating."

The guy's baffled and inquires further, "Masturbating with a hammer? Are you enjoying it at all?"

His friend says, "Yes, every time I miss it."

SALESMAN

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money."

She proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Tuesday Funnies

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried, too; first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

Tuesday Funnies

Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".

You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Tuesday Funnies

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, completely drunk. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender kindly tells the guy he can't give him a drink because he is already drunk. Angry, the guy stumbles back out the front door.

About five minutes later, the guy stumbles through the side door of the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink and once again the bartender says, "No, you¹re already drunk." The guy stumbles back through the side door.

A few minutes later the guy stumbles through the bar¹s back door. The guy walks up to the bar, looks at the bartender for a moment then says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at, anyway?"

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea.

Tuesday Funnies
Two for one special today, just because I'm such a swell guy.

The game

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he searches the 'net, and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Your drivers license tells it all

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend"s house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Tuesday Funnies

Dinner

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh.

She asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.

The guy is amazed. Everything has been SO incredible. "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Ba dum bum ching. Tuesday Funnies

Golf Lessons

An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the Club pro.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her Golf Pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," was her reply.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole."

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Tuesday Funnies

Ghosts

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Right.

In case you need more shit-related comedy, check out this Japanese video about using the toilet. See you in hell, Nazi teardrops! Tuesday Funnies

Confession

Young Schmitty was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.

The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Schmitty, indeed it is a sin... Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Tuesday Funnies

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Tuesday Funnies

Money

A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who worked for him.

One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.

The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"

"Yale," the man answered.

"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Yackson," came the reply.

It took me a second, too. Hey, they all can't be winners. Tuesday Funnies
Most of these are pretty lame. But meh, whatever.

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this Taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

13. A man takes his rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

17. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week... and pulled a mussel.

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.

"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

21. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Tuesday Funnies

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your pecker is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Also, a video on if business meetings were like messageboard posts. Pwned! Tuesday Funnies

Baseball

Three baseball fans are out back of the All Star game and see a naked woman passed out in the street.

The fans (Yankees, Mets, Red Sox) all take off their caps and place them on the girl.

The Red Sox fan covers 1 breast, the Mets fan the other, and the Yankees fan the genital area.

Along comes a cop and sees this suspicious activity and questions the men about what they are doing.

He then takes out his notepad and tries to put the crime together He lifts off the Sox hat, puts it back down, does the same with the Mets hat, then gets to the Yankees hat... he takes it on and off the genitals a dozen times and then starts writing something in his notepad.

One of the guys says "Hey, what are you doing, Officer? You some kind of perv?"

To which the officer replies "Nope, it's just that when I usually look under a Yankees cap, I see an asshole."

Dated, but still relevant. Tuesday Funnies

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

So hot! Tuesday Funnies

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice..."

"So I switched the heads."

Tuesday Funnies

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Had to check the archives to make sure I didn't post this one once before. It's old as dirt, but still amusing. Tuesday Funnies

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

In case you wanted something with a little more balls, you can check out Louis CK's video about the Catholic Church. It's great from beginning to end. Not safe for work. Harsh language.

If that was too extreme (wuss), here's a funny 911 call video Louis did as well. He's a silly bitch! Tuesday Funnies

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

Tuesday Funnies

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

Git 'er done. Tuesday Funnies

Sad Story

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch. "Do you have any stories you can share with me?"

The old guy says, "Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it."

"Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?" asked the reporter.

"Sure do," said the man, "One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it when we found it."

"Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?"

"Sure do. One time, I got lost!"

Stupid three-part jokes. Tuesday Funnies

A pig walked into a bar and asked, "Do you serve root beer?"

The bartender said he did.

"I'd like one, please," the pig said.

After the pig had finished, he asked to use the rest room.

After the pig left, another pig came in and asked for two root beers.

This pig then asked for the rest room just like the first one had.

Two more pigs came in. One ordered three root beers and the other four.

They too used the rest room.

When a fifth pig came in, the bartender said, "Let me guess, you want five root beers."

The pig was shocked. "Why, yes. Yes, I would."

When he was done, he started to walk out. The bartender was confused.

"Don't you want to use the rest room like the other four pigs did?"

"No, I'm the fifth little piggy. I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

I hate corniness. But since I had to read it, you should suffer, too. Tuesday Funnies

New Rooster

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer, explains his problem and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph. The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money." Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM!

He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

The cock of the walk. Tuesday Funnies
A joke from my mommy:

I rear-ended a car this morning...

I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

Tuesday Funnies
Two for Tuesday!

Communication

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you tell me your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Yessa!

Horse Racing

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name of Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks, "What was that for?"

His wife said, "Your fuckin' horse called."

Tuesday Funnies

The Stuttering Cat

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that can stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!"

That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'fffff, fffff, fffff'...

And before he could say 'fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!"

Tuesday Funnies

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant.

"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."

"Yes, Sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, "So, Garge, how was your day?"

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, Sir," says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this! And what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs. She said, 'Help me, I haven't seen a man for five years.'"

"And what did you do, Garge?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

Mother sends me silly stuff. Tuesday Funnies

Subject: Understand English...

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one lady in front of me... an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated...

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."

Tuesday Funnies

Girls of age

What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

Tuesday Funnies

Amazing Italian!

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

I chuckled, but I don't get it. Is there something about the Italian stereotype I don't know?

Jon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFJeGbQkDDg
Jon: cruel, but hilarious
Me: pwnage

Tuesday Funnies

Children comment on the sea

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea, you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule, age 7)

Kids may or may not be adorable, but I know for sure that this one is getting owned. Youtube.com! Tuesday Funnies
I made no effort to correctly punctuate this fucking mess. Seriously, does anyone know how to properly use quotation marks or capitalization anymore?

WAX is "Not your Friend"*

*This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

*All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

*My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

*It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

*So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

*With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

*Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

*I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!

*Everything is swirling and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

*I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???

*WHERE IS THE WAX??

*Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

*Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

*I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

*What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

*I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!

*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

*Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

*So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

*God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!

*I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

*There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or * *hoo-ha?"

*She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

*YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

*While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

*By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

*My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY!!

*The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

*It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

*I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!

*So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

*Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Ladies who want me: you have no idea how much pre-cum I can generate if you can spell properly and know how to use a semicolon. I find proper punctuation incredibly hot. Tuesday Funnies

Use Your Words

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your grandmother. Use 'big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a train. You must remember to use 'big people' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Shit."

I was initially hurt with his words. And then he pushed me down the stairs and my shoes fell off! My shoes, and my glasses! Tuesday Funnies
I've been sitting on this since January and never read it until just now:

Mammograms

Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

Exercise one:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise two:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

Exercise three:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are totally prepared!

A friend is like a good bra:

Hard to find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always lifts you up
Never lets you down or leaves you hanging
And is always close to your heart!

Cute. But worth passing over.

Yay boobs. Tuesday Funnies

Cooter, Pete, and KC, Rednecks all, were working on a cell phone tower. When they started descending, Cooter slipped, fell, and died on impact. As an
ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Damn, someone gotta tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."

Two hours later, he returns carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where'd you get that beer, KC?"

"Well, Cooter's wife gave it to me."

"That's incredible KC...you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

"Well, not exactly. When she answered the door, I said, 'You must be Cooter's widow.'"

She said, "But you must be mistaken...I'm not a widow."

"Then I said, I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are really good at sensitive stuff.

Tuesday Funnies

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day, the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joe told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming, too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.

Short and sweet. Tuesday Funnies

Amish Buggy

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

There you go, tired Jon. Tuesday Funnies

Coming Home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, and I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' And she always acts like she's sound asleep."

Tuesday Funnies

Woody had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a holiday party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Woody, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Woody. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Woody, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

Tuesday Funnies

Dear Ma and Pa,

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next thing will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Mary Lou

Tuesday Funnies

Name Your Wang

A cowboy two steps into a bar, realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine, for instance, is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because 'Quality is job number one.'" Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,
"The name of my penis is "Secret.' Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret?'"

The cowboy says, "Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

Tuesday Funnies
This one is fairly disturbing...

Leprosy

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the World Series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomit. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."

Bad form. Tuesday Funnies
Any email forward that starts off by saying, "This is the funniest story and you suck if you aren't lauging by the end of it" must be great, right?

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish-bad day!

I didn't find this to be LOL-tastic, but to each their own. Tuesday Funnies

A LESSON IN LIFE

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took
two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm not happy... my ass itches."

That one came from Mom. She's silly. Tuesday Funnies
Future Tuesday Funnies available for a mere five dollars. Sure, I'm profiting off the jokes of others, but think of the cabin air filter, people! It's not gonna pay for itself!

IT Department

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"Nope." says IT guy one. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."

"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

Wonder if he got Vista... Tuesday Funnies

REDNECK PICKUP LINES

1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

3) My love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

6) If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

They butchered one of my pick-up lines: "Good thing I have my library card, 'cause I'm checking you out!" Tuesday Funnies

Measuring

Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Ha! Tuesday Funnies

Spanish Class

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House," for instance, is feminine, "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine, "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic,

2) The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,

3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval, and

4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("El computador"), because:

1) In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on,

2) They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves,

3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem, and

4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Note: The women won.

Tuesday Funnies
You get a two-fer today because it's Christmas time and I'm in a joyful mood.

Chores

When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day.

She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!"

"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!"

Top 10 Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines

"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"

"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"

"Nice Asimov."

"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."

"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

"I'm the droid you're looking for."

"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."

"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."

"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

Haha. Hull breach. Tuesday Funnies

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar andtakes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

I don't want to know how this creep got a urine sample from his daughter. Tuesday Funnies

Decisions

An executive was in quandary. Due to budget cuts, he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shit."

Tuesday Funnies

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Son, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother. Then I said, 'Here Honey, try these on.' So she did and said, 'Well sweetie they're a little too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," thought Jack. "That might be a good thing to try!"

On his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, Babe. Try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large."

Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and don't ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."

So he did and said, "I can't even get into your pants."

Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your fucking attitude, you never will."

Tuesday Funnies

Driver

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Nice and clean. Tuesday Funnies

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing on the war in Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up with a puzzled look on his face, and asks, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Because there's enough Bush bashing going on. Tuesday Funnies

Same Old Thing

"I'm just bored with fuckin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety." Fred told his buddy.

Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

Oh snap! Tuesday Funnies

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

Short and sweet. Tuesday Funnies

Tech Support

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingBuddies 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as GuysNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Hooker 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2006.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboBitch and Multi-Personality. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Porsche 911 Turbo hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

It just keeps stooping lower and lower.
To protect names, we had some placeholders in place. Go figure. That's what placeholders do, no?

Luke: This guy is whipped pretty badly by his wife.
Scott Dokken: He loves Pearl Jam. He's the one "the fire" is destined to detroy, as witnessed in this three-word game post. (See the last one.)
Brett: He hates Pearl Jam. A lot. However, his musical tastes are questionable since he admitedly buys Lindsay Lohan stuff.

Five words. Three writers:

I do vehemently attest that the last time we went to the bank Brett lost, but today he beat Scott with infinite fucking epicness. He almost did it in half the time it takes Luke to submit to his wife! Before next week, the rules of engagement while in enemy banks will have to change.

To my surprise, Brett bought various Lindsay Lohan memorabilia at discount prices after he bought the entire Pearl Jam catalogue, which he promptly set aflame because he already owned it. His favorite CD is "Yield." Scott Dokken greatly enjoys penis. But that's ok, because he and Brett love Pearl Jam and Scott Dokken enjoys penis. Together, they can rock out both with their cocks out. Scott likes that, he's gay.

This story was never gonna end its cycle, as "Brett" refused to accept listening to Pearl Jam.

This one coming is pretty nutty. "Scott" called out sick and we take full advantage. Three words. Varied between two and three writers at time:

Today, an unexpected event has made this day the happiest one ever. With the biggest douchebag calling out complaining about a thing so gay it defies explanation, we can only hope that he has died horrifically. His lust for masculine things has made everyone uncomfortable.

What has caused him to have the audacity to strip the pants off his favorite preschooler? Simple. He only feels lust when he explores the orifices of succulent and vulnerable little secrets called, "children's rear ends." Readying his meat for insertion into their lust caverns, he smiled gleefully as he rammed the poor child WITH HIS TRUCK! OMG! LOL! WTF!

Epically maneuvering the truck to maximize his forward movement while still taking time to delicately turn the wheel 10 degrees past his prior swerve, he was rapidly propelled ahead of the airborne body, allowing him to air combo with his miniscule penis. 32 hits later, the pantsless child skidded to an inappropriate, prone position. Scott firmly grabbed him by the skin of his quivering hips, and spread him wide to accept his BIRTHDAY PARTY INVITE! Bring your own chainsaws, guns, and 1337 54u(3!

The big surprise is in Scott's pants: free crabs! It causes uncontrollable itching and you need blood from a marsupial to get onto your lumpy preschooler without infection. If executed correctly, Scott can get out of the preschooler and into a 9- year-old. He likes to slowly lick the soft rosy CHERRY COTTON CANDY off of the asshole of Johnny, the second-grader.

It seems there are other people with the same mental disease as Scott "Kidslammer" Dokken. They have to be identified quickly and then shot by a camera for police records. The most notorious offender, his father, is made famous for banging four nails into the kids Scott molests.

The abnormal battle in Scott's psyche causes rapid degredation of his appetite for penis, and increased it for his hunger of little boys. What intrigues scientists most is that he refuses to swallow anything except for penis penis penis. And hyperbeams.

Fin.

What a novel. Over 100 emails sent out to complete this. You gotta love any story that combines pedophilia, strafe jumping, air combos, and 1337 54u(3!

And hyperbeams. Tuesday Funnies

Limited Edition NH Barbies

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the New Hampshire market:

Bedford Barbie:

This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Bedford stores. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Concord Barbie:

This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Manchester Barbie:

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Amherst Barbie:

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Laconia Barbie:

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchuse her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Loon Mountain Barbie:

This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge. Optional Percocet prescription available.

Claremont Barbie:

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Newport Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.

Peterborough Barbie:

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

Hanover Barbie:

This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV, complete with kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.

Franklin Barbie:

This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Sounds like my dream Barbie lives in Hanover, assuming her SUV is a hybrid. Now if I only knew where Hanover is...

Because the above is only funny if you know your New Hampshire towns, here's a second funny for those not "in the know:"

George Carlin's New Rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." " He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Tuesday Funnies

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... Then to the right... Right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"

I hate puns. Tuesday Funnies

Trays up!

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Tuesday Funnies

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred Dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really," she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Tuesday Funnies

A virile, young Italian bro named Consuelo was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she sighs in his ear, "No... I, I... Norwegian."

Tuesday Funnies

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

Bonus funny:

The following 15 police comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? Ok, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

Tuesday Funnies

Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replied.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man

Owned. Tuesday Funnies
A buddy at work compiled this list in about 15 minutes. Quite an impressive feat, because it's quite decent as well. Yeah, the date is off, but it wasn't Tuesday then. If only real life played like a MMORPG...

Today, August 4th, 2006 maintenance was performed on the "Earth" server. The following issues were addressed:

The "Female" gender group underwent the following changes to improve game balance:

* The "Lust" passive trait has been altered to more accurately affect sober players, and now has less of an effect on players currently enfeebled by the "Drunk" and "Lonely" debuffs.

* The duration of stun from the "Bitch" ability has been altered in accordance with the changing of the "Lust" passive trait.

* Previously, a female gendered player could meet a male gendered player, stage an in game wedding, and then leave the marriage while retaining the male player's wealth. A new feature has been implemented as a protection against this extremely unbalancing glitch.

* Adjustments have been made to the time delay in between occurrences of the "In the mood" state.

* Adjustments have been made to the "Driving" skill.

* The amount of time required to complete the synthesis recipe for "Child" has been greatly decreased, and the amount of critical failures has been increased drastically.

* A glitch allowing repeated use of the "Bitch" job ability after completion of the "Child" synthesis has been addressed.

* A glitch allowing access to Male player's bank accounts has been addressed.

* Female player's "Relationship" technique tree has been altered to no longer allow multiple partners.

* An issue where attempting to rationalize with a female would cause the game to crash has been addressed.

* An issue where attempting to be logical with a female would cause the game to crash has been addressed.

* The cost of the following character enhancements have been reduced: Chest

* An issue where female characters would defaultedly take priority in job hiring processes has been addressed.

* An issue where arguments with female characters were able to force the game into a closed loop state has been addressed.

* The following modifications have been made to the Female communication techniques: Volume Reduction, Coherency Enhancement.

Buncha cock teases all of ya. Tuesday Funnies

Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Tuesday Funnies
Almost forgot!

Shopping

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then quickly realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her and not someone else nearby. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she is the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

"I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois." Tuesday Funnies

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending this delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you do it?"

The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth and after the delivery she approached the old gentleman, smiling, and said, "Well, you surely are something else. How do you do it?"

The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, said to the old gentleman, "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."

Why do most jokes have three repetitions before the punch line? Like, seriously. Tuesday Funnies

Doctor Visit

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Not the best, but there were significantly worse ones that I'd refuse to post. Tuesday Funnies

Dear Diary

HER DIARY:

Saturday night I though he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV'; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it any more so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS JOURNAL:

Tennessee lost today, but at least I got laid.

Tuesday Funnies
For my boys from RPI:

Comprehending Engineers

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson one
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson two
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson three
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1.00. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.00

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson five
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson six
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like having both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog...now that's cool."

Tuesday Funnies

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.

Recently (years ago actually), she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
Jack

Tuesday Funnies

Pilot Talking

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation.

"Well" says the skipper, "first I'm going check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the big tits. I'm going wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

Probably inspired by the similar joke in Good Will Hunting. Tuesday Funnies

Ouch

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.

I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy.

So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."

"And then?" said the doctor.

"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

Tuesday Funnies
Nice to see you stopped looking at erotic gay porn long enough to see what I have for a joke this week. Thanks.

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

Tuesday Funnies

IN A BAR

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

TWO SHOTS

This guy goes into a bar and orders two shots. He drinks one and pours the other on his hand. He then orders two more and does the same, drinks one and pours the other on his hand. After the third time, the bartender asks him what he's doing. The guy says, "I'm trying to get my date drunk."

Tuesday Funnies

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when Dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

Tuesday Funnies

A scientist has just discovered a new engine that runs on Vasoline. So he goes to try it out and it seems to work fine, though he notices his mileage calculations are off and he is going to have to stop and get some extra fuel if he plans to make it back to the lab. He realizes he is close to the house of on of his friends. So he decides to go ask him for help.

At the same time his friend and his family, consisting of his beautiful wife and very pretty daughter, are having dinner. Unbeknownst to everyone else, this family has an odd tradition. Since no one ever wants to do the dishes, after dinner they sit in the living room and stay silent, and the first person who talks has to do the dishes.

So they have just finished dinner up and go to sit in the living room. Just then the scientist knocks and is let in by his friend. "Hey buddy," he says "I was in the neighborhood and I need some help... Oh were you guys just in the middle of dinner? I'm sorry but..." He notices that they aren't moving or saying anything. "Umm, is it ok if I help myself to some leftovers? I was working late and missed my meal. OK?" So he cautiously walks over and helps himself to the dinner.

"Well thanks for letting me have that, it was wonderful. Now could you guys tell me if... um... you guys?" The scientist notices they are still sitting there silently. So he messes around for a minute and dances around, tweaks his friend's nose, ands all the time they are doing nothing. "This is odd," he says, "But the hell with it." So he decides to make the most of this and takes his buddy's wife in the bedroom and has sex with her. He brings the wife back and still notices nothing out of any of them, so he takes the daughter and has his way with her too. He notices nothing and this time takes both the wife and the daughter into the bedroom and gets his freak on. So he takes them back and decides he has had his fun but he really needs to be going. "Ok folks," he says, "got any Vasoline?" The father immediately stands up and says, "Fine, FINE! I'll do the damn dishes!"

Meh. I ran out of good jokes months ago. Tuesday Funnies
I've had this for a while, but I didn't think it was that great. Some coworkers think otherwise:

OFFICE DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the National Anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off ten times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5) After every sentence, say "Mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"

11) Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figurines on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

20) Move your work desk and chair into the elevator and when the doors open say, "Hello, can I help you?"

And if that wasn't enough for you...

SEVEN-POINT DARES

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

4) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS."

6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

7) Don't use any punctuation.

8) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

10) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

11) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! Third time this week!"

Some actually call me "Stone Cold" at work. Mainly 'cause I'm a dick when it comes to negotiation. The guzzling of beer during work hours just happens to be a coincidence. Tuesday Funnies
Almost forgot!

A guy drives up to a farmhouse, and knocks on the door. You see, he's a wealthy man, and the farmer's daughters have reputations of being absolutely stunning.

The farmer answers, and the guy introduces himself. "You see, sir, I am a very rich man, but I am unmarried, and need a wife to bear my children and carry on my name. As your daughters have the reputation of being up to my standards, I'd like to marry one."

The farmer thinks, and says all right. Money's tight, and this guy seems nice enough. Handsome, too.

Farmer goes into the parlor, and gets his firstborn daughter. Brunette, 25, and an absolute knockout. The man and the brunette go out on a date, but the man comes back saddened. He tells the farmer that his daughters face, well, it's too angular, you see. Not so much as you'd notice, but enough.

Farmer goes, and gets his second daughter. 23, blonde, and even more beautiful than his firstborn. They go out, and the same result. She's a little cross-eyed. Not so much as you'd notice, you understand, but enough.

The farmer's getting frustrated. He goes and gets his last daughter. 21, redhead, and looks like she just stepped out of every man's fantasy. The wealthy man is starstruck. He must have her.

A dowry is agreed on, they wed, and two months later, she finds she's pregnant. When the child is born, it's the ugliest kid on earth. Cross-eyed, lumpy skull, weird birthmarks, the works. He doesn't even look like his father.

"How could this be," the man asked his father-in-law, the farmer. "He is handsome, his bride is beautiful, how could they have such a butt-ugly kid?"

The farmer grins, looks over, and says "Well, it's like this. When you married her, she was just a little bit pregnant. Not so much as you'd notice, but enough."

Tuesday Funnies
I'm just about dry on text-based funnies. So sad. Jon supplied me with this one:

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Also, check out this great video. Owned. Tuesday Funnies

After Ten Marriages, NOW She's Happy!

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... Oh God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"Because You're a tax man.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Tuesday Funnies

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
NEW COMPANY POLICY
Effective April 4, 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

On a similar note, I'm gonna share another office joke with you, this one made by a dude I work with named Greg:

Play the them to the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials in your head while you read this.

Bud Light presents: Real men of genius.

(Real men of genius!)

Today we're looking at you, Mr. never picks up his reports from the printer.

(Mr. never picks up his reports from the printer!)

You know that you're a busy man, a key player. And you want to share that with all of us by showing everyone just how busy you are.

(The more paper the more importance!)

E-mails, spreadsheets, Word documents, reports, pictures, cooking recipes, horoscopes, anything you can find on your computer you will print, and leave it there for everyone to see just how busy you are.

(Oh save the trees!)

We have to sort through a 595-page report at 1pm that has been there since 8am to find the one sheet of paper that we just printed. And if that report of yours should ever become out of order, you'll teach us all by leaving the first one, and printing another, seven... Teen more times.

(Hippies would be crying!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Never picks up his reports from the printer. Or better yet, have someone bring one too you. You've made us all completely aware of how busy you are. Because if you don't have the time to pick up your documents from the printer, than you definitely won't have time to make it to the fridge.

(Mr. never picks up his reports from the printerrrrrrr!)

I really hate that printer guy. What a douche. Tuesday Funnies

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

I was initially going to share Things to do in a Terrorist Attack, but since I found it online, it spares me the effort of coding it to look nice. I personally like to pin down "terrorist arrows."

The Tuesday Funnies are in jeopardy of drying up. About a month ago, we had some sort of Photoshop flame war in my department, and a week later, a copy of the email use and privileges was given to everyone in the company. Perhaps that was coincidental (maybe they send this out every year?), but since the rules and regulations state that email is for work purposes only, I haven't received a forward since. I do have a few tucked away on other email accounts, however. Tuesday Funnies

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T DRINK

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 AM,, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him, "midnight." He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

What I was going to post originally was the contents of a document that circulated around work a while ago, but it turns out it was ripped off from another person's website. And it's four years old. Go figure. The site is here. What I would have posted is the article "I am better than your kids." Two pages of good stuff.

I also enjoyed reading the article "Love your kids? Prove it by beating them." It spares me the effort of having to write my own list. Would have made for some decent content (for once) if I did it before finding this site. Oh well. Tuesday Funnies

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Bet you'll read it twice. Tuesday Funnies

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune: Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say, "Hello."

Tuesday Funnies

In Dallas, TX, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini-skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic, and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Tuesday Funnies

Tongue Twister
----------------------------

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this clerk with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh.' So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'Thanks for ruining my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

Tuesday Funnies

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary.
============

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no Long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4-inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, Master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and:

HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN... That hurt like heck! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there?

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Wednesday Funnies
Can't really fault me for no internet yesterday.

5 LEVELS OF A HANGOVER

One-Star Hangover (*)

No Pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.

Two-Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three-Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.

Four-Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five-Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping our of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare "floater" thrown in. The sole purpose of this "floater" seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing tonight.
Sorry, I'm being such a jackass.

Too much information on those higher level hangovers.

Good thing I never get headaches. Tuesday Funnies
Consider it a birthday present, Chris. :)

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll: Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things: Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Tuesday Funnies
Got you a two-fer today!

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Tuesday Funnies

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past (well shyness anyway), and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

Tuesday Funnies

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black -- were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything: the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Yay tastelessness. Tuesday Funnies
Things to do while your coworkers are on vacation:

Make a note of that
Handle with care
Sprouts
More sprouts
Keyboard trays are for sissies
Today's news
Lock in the freshness

Bonus: this blonde joke is pretty funny! Tuesday Funnies


Found via Bits & Pieces. Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when you were conceived, right?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie and a sweater vest. You like that, fruitcake?

Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch and give your mom my number.

Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica
Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Moron.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex because both of your parents are worthless lazy shits. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams.

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater... again.

Santa

How to have a fun Christmas sleepover

Christmas Cookie Ingredients

1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Absolute vodka

Sample the Absolute to check quality. Take a large bowl. Check the Absolute again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar, beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Absolute is still OK, try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy, break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in 1 cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor... mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Absolut to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Absolute. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add 1 table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Absolute and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!

Xmas funnies
Expect to see a joke a day for a while, since a lot of these holiday ones are what I'd like to refer to as "time sensitive." They kinda lack their luster if I saved these for Memorial Day, don't you think?

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Happy Holidays!

As a side note, those of you who think that sending a forward out to a specific number of people will yield the answer to some sort of riddle or give you some other present need to get your head checked. Seriously. If all email accounts ran on the same client and had the same exploit, sure, something might happen... most likely in viral format.

Though it is kinda ironic if the answer to the riddle is "nothing" and you wonder why your magic email with the answer never shows up. Sex sex sex
I think most of these came from Blogywood:

Kodak trying to tap into the pervert sector. Not bad, but I still like my Nikon.

Google video search results for "hot girls making out." It's work safe. And not what you'd expect.

The top 100 female-to-male cities in America. I'm on my way to North Center, Mass.

Deaf people hump too loudly over at some school in Sacremento.

And to finish it off, how about a funny from BadGirl's Hotbox?

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Tuesday Funnies

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began:
"Red............cherry"
"Yellow.........lemon"
"Green..........lime"
"Orange.........orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all a honey-flavored lifesaver. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue: it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh my god, they're assholes!"

What would Chuck Norris do?
This is too funny to save until Tuesday. I shared this with my coworkers and one of them had to go freshen up in the bathroom 'cause he was laughing out loud and crying. Not so popular with the ladies, though. Not sure why that is. Whatever.

31 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

There's a bunch more at this site.

Kudos to Jon for sending this to me in the first place. Tuesday Funnies

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against the wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant
business. The CEO walked up to the guy and asked, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "$300.00. Why?"

The CEO then reached into his pocket and handed the guy $1,200 in cash then screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off was doing here?"

One of the other workers chuckled, "Delivering pizza."

See you next Tuesday! Tuesday Funnies
This one has been around for years. Clearly, I'm running out of forwarded emails that don't involve pictures.

Two old friends, Bob and Fred, were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," Fred said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, Bob asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said Fred, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Haha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor Ed in there with her... He's naked, too! That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate for you. One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then shoot Ed. He's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said Fred impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

Tuesday Funnies
Almost forgot about it today!

Reasons to Go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Tuesday Funnies
I'm almost out of forwards. Haven't been getting them at the rate I used to. :( I have a lot of them that are funny pictures and whatnot, but I'm trying to run a modem-friendly website. Hmm.

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, they only had $2.00 between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore! and my knees are killing me!"
Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar!"

Tuesday Funnies

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mamma – all three inputs!! Yeah!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Tuesday Funnies

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour, "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Tuesday Funnies
I guess this Tuesday should be called "Girl Power Tuesday," because clearly the funnies below make more of an impact if you happen to be one of the millions of hot chicks that read this site between swimsuit photo ops and daydreaming about me. Well, I'm looking out for you ladies. Don't say Jerome never did anything for you.

(Call me?)

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceed to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her rear that said, 'From all of us at The Fire Station. We will never forget you.'"

When girls drink too much:

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "woohoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3 AM sub on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up, and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love him or her sooooo much.

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table, and since or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.

18. I'm tired, so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault I'm having problems walking straight.

Tuesday Funnies

Groom's Tale

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

For an extra joke that I was gonna post sooner or later, click here. My friend Chris beat me to it. :p

Actually, there's a lot of jokes at her site. Check 'em out. Don't bother with the comments, though, since a few clever bastards created some Blogger spam bots, rendering that feature near-useless. Damn you! Tuesday Funnies
Had to type these ones out since they wouldn't forward for some gay reason. You better appreciate them.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let if be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quatas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = the problem logged by pilot
S = the solution and action taken by mechanics

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produced 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one that is living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long as he lived with you?
A: 45 years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does not know about until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old was he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on a table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law somewhere.

Tuesday Funnies
For some reason, today's funnies wouldn't transfer over from my work email account to any other email account I have. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I figured that those ">" signs were causing the email to be filtered as spam and never make it to my home inbox. But my spam-heavy hotmail account didn't get it, either, which leads me to believe that MS Outlook is a piece of junk. Boo Outlook! Yay Eudora!

Lucky for me (and you?), I do have a very small handful of funnies on my home PC, this one courtesy of my friend Chris:

The Drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few moments later a loud, blood, curdling scream is heard coming from the restroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to the restroom door to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles!"

With that, the bartender opens the door and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Hopefully, I'll have better luck next week. Tuesday Funnies

TWO-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two-minute management course.

Tuesday Funnies
Be grateful. You have two for the price of one! Or the price of none, since these didn't actually cost anything. Whatever.

THE BEST IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell sleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

The Monkey

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off
the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy said, "No, what?"

"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.

Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the
man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then it
found a peanut. This, too he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender was disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures it first."

Tuesday Funnies

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the man's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Tuesday Funnies
I get a lot of forwards at work, and I think each Tuesday, I will share one joke with you. Yay, a consistant theme! And something for you to look forward to each Tuesday! Aren't you excited? Anyway:

Dave Letterman's Top Ten Drawbacks To Working In A Cubicle

#10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a @#$%?*! box all day long.

#9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

#8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

#7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

#6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

#5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

#4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

#3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

#2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you...

And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:

#1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Feel free to copy and paste this and forward it to all of your buddies. Or better yet, direct them here and increase my readership! :D

I was gonna share another one today, but it didn't make it from my work inbox to my home inbox. Ho hum. Maybe next week.